Through it All

"Then Eli said, 'He is the Lord; let him do what is good in his eyes."

-1 Samuel 3:18

He is the Lord . . . I have reflected on this passage of scripture for about two days. I love the Old Testament. I love reading the different stories of the prophets. There is something so powerful, humbling and disquieting about reading the ministries of these great men. But even in their greatness there was a weakness for each them. For Eli it was his blasheming sons. He did not take the time to correct their sinful actions, and his lineage paid for those actions.

But what stuck out to me was not the judgement that God poured out on Eli's family but rather his response to that judgment. He said, "He is the Lord; let him do what is good in his eyes." Those words struck me to the innermost recesses of my heart! How quick we are to judge God or to blame him for our circumstances or even our short comings. and yet here is a prophet of God that so simply owns up to his sin and also acknowledges a profound truth; that God is our creator with all power and all control. But also that this all powerful all controlling creator will do what He wishes.

I was young, naive and way too planned out for my own good. I had the five year plan for college and career success. but most of all i had the five year plan for ministry and spiritual success! I was going to graduate high school, go to bible college, graduate a year early and start my ministry overseas and become the greatest missionary the world had ever seen! i was going to shake the world with my awesomeness!

What happened was that i graduated from high school and God told me that i was going to stay in Colorado springs and study Anthropology at the University for two years and then i would go to Bible college. I was infuriated! that would set me back two years on my five year plan! Outrageous!
Well two years passed and i was comfortable with where i was at. As a result i decided (without God's permission) that i was going to stay in the Springs and finish my degree in Anthropoligy. I mean i was already half way through . . . right?! Well sometimes God has to shake up your world of comfort to make you feel a need to change up the scenery. Well God shook my world a bit and i needed to get away, and fast! So, in a hurried state i rushed with my application to Gateway and headed to Florissant Missouri to continue my education and learn from the greatest apostolic minds of the world!

Two years passed and many heart breaking things happened in my life. My parents divorced, I lived away from my sisters for the first time, I learned what it really meant to struggle financially and live on 16 cents for 4 months. I learned about relationships and depression. It was deep trials of self discovery and God discovery. In many ways those days were dark times.
Those were also times of deep undercurrents of spiritual reconstruction within my soul. It was the first time i gave God my full trust, it was the first time i allowed myself to put my whole being into his safe care. It was a time where i learned the value of believing and knowing that no matter the circumstance; if i cling to him He will ALWAYS provide. Ultimately; however, I learned about His unconditional and unwavering love.

After two years at Gateway God decided to throw me through another loop. He sent me home. I told myself that i would never be one of those kids that went home early without a degree in their hands. And yet, the day Gateway asked me to leave because of lack of funds, my heart broke. I felt torn between knowing where i was supposed to be and knowing that the money just wasn't there. And so in self defeat and self loathing, I packed my minivan up and headed home. I was spiritually broken, emotionally defeated and financially penniless. I  was quite literally homeless in my soul and a sense of self confidence within me had shattered to pieces.

It is in that moment in life where God has placed you down a certain path that you realize you have two choices to make:
1. You can either turn away from God because your pain is SO great. You dont understand why something is happening and nothing makes sense at all. And so you turn to the wisdom of your human mind to lead you and guide you.and ultimately self destruct. Or. . .
2. In that moment where nothing makes sense and you dont understand what is going on that you recognize and say, "He is the Lord; let him do what is good in His eyes."
And though you may be heartbroken, you may feel defeated and your dreams may feel so far lost and unreachable. But in it all, and through it all you commit your heart to follow after your Creator. Cling to Him and hope through Him, that He will guide you through and keep you no matter how hopeless it may seem.

I went home, and for two months i worked the hardest that i have ever worked in my entire life. I am SO proud of those days! It brings me great joy to remember those days of growth. Looking back i realize that i am so thankful God sent me home. If he hadn't i would never have learned the value of a deepness in Christ. An intimacy you can achieve in God through prayer and FASTING!!! But most of all i learned the value of trusting even when you don't understand something.

To be honest i dont know why I am at Gateway. What are God's plans for me? If you know, please fill me in ;) However, i am coming to a better understanding of what it is to blindly trust. Eli...Though his pain was great, and the judgement upon his family was final and severe. He looked at that judgement and faced it head on. He recognized that he was just a man, and God was his maker. He recognized who really was in control and he found solace in that.

We need to get to the point where we recognize who REALLY is in control of our lives. God our Lord and Saviour is in control of all. The sooner you release your will for His, the sooner you will find peace and comfort. True joy will enter your heart. Fear and uncertainty will no longer have a foothold in your soul. Because He is the Lord and He will do what He pleases. Its our job to love Him, stay true to Him and mold our lives to the will of His. Nothing short of that will suffice.

Go and read Samuel 3. It will encourage you and strengthen you. There is something so empowering about reading the word of God. Let it minister to your soul on a regular basis. :)