Switchblades and Water guns

Picture by: Robert Yager

Back in the day . . . about seven years ago. I used to fight. I know, I know. NOT little miss Ashley! but yes, I had a serious problem with anger, and my fists in the barrio. Well there were worse barrios than the South side of San Antonio, but that was our barrio. The rage would just take over me, the adrenaline would course through my veins like a boiling heat under my skin, my hands would shake and then I would black out. I would wake up with a girl on the ground. It scared me. However, all we knew was to use our fists. Its a cycle of poverty intermingled with extremely dysfunctional communication, and as a result you wind up repeating the cycle over and over. Unless you are willing to change and work hard enough to make a change happen. When I came to Christ and found a relationship with him, things changed. Now i just get angry, and then get over it :) But let me tell you, finding Christ didn't solve my problems, it took painful years preceding salvation to fix the dysfunctional kinks in my life.


When someone purposely does something to belittle me (like today), my first reaction is shock. I go through a couple seconds of, "I cannot believe he did that!" and then after the shock has subsided, the anger within starts to boil over. I can't imagine what I look like from the outside, but from within, lets just say it gets black and red! I can feel the steam start to rise above my soul as I try to keep composed. and then after the waves of different emotions pass through me, I smile a sweet and mocking smile that could make a warm pond in the summer turn to ice.

After they have left, then the anger really hits, because now I have the leisure to rile and complain. I also have the ability to possibly punch something, or scream into a pillow (If available). I think of all the things I could have said, all the low blows I could have caused him pain with, and then i mentally run through all the weapons I have in my arsenal. However, after about twenty minutes of ranting and raving, I begin to slow down. I am most likely sitting or laying down on my bed at this point, and have successfully reached the point of pity. I pity the person that is hurting, or broken so much that they felt the need to humiliate me. It is the oldest trick in the book. If they can get the attention on them, then they feel more powerful, and their perception of their significance seems a little better.

However, the truth is that tomorrow morning the sun will rise, and the birds will be chirping, It will be a beautiful morning and he will wake up, back in the bed he made in life. Most likely in a melancholy disposition, he will take a deep sorrowful and lonely breath. He will get up and cross the room to the mirror, look at himself and realize that he hasn't changed and that nothing in life has changed. He isn't powerful, and the glory from the attention that he had yesterday, by hurting someone only lasted in the moment. He really was powerless.

Yes, I pity that person.

Then with conviction, I ask myself why I wasn't mature enough to pray for him in the first place? I am just as immature as he is. I was imagining different ways (for about twenty minutes) of how I could get back at him with weapons like a switchblade or a bazooka. Man is my mind violent! But the truth is that I don't even have a water gun! What was the motivation behind this? Probably because I wanted the power to get back at him. And so the cycle of offense and hurt goes full circle through his actions, and my reaction. Yes I pity him, but most of all in the end I must learn to love him. No matter how humiliating, painful, or unjust it was, in the end Christ's love is more powerful than my pity.

But loving someone after they hurt you is pretty hard! yes it is!!
BUT, I have to realize that learning to love someone overnight is near to impossible. It really takes time. However, after prayer, personal reminders, a scripture, and a quote about the betterment of mankind, maybe after all that hard work. and possibly talking to yourself in the mirror every morning for the next couple weeks, you will come to a place, where you will be able to love him as Christ loves him.

and that is the conclusion i came to after an incident today :) whew! I came full circle!