Through it All

"Then Eli said, 'He is the Lord; let him do what is good in his eyes."

-1 Samuel 3:18

He is the Lord . . . I have reflected on this passage of scripture for about two days. I love the Old Testament. I love reading the different stories of the prophets. There is something so powerful, humbling and disquieting about reading the ministries of these great men. But even in their greatness there was a weakness for each them. For Eli it was his blasheming sons. He did not take the time to correct their sinful actions, and his lineage paid for those actions.

But what stuck out to me was not the judgement that God poured out on Eli's family but rather his response to that judgment. He said, "He is the Lord; let him do what is good in his eyes." Those words struck me to the innermost recesses of my heart! How quick we are to judge God or to blame him for our circumstances or even our short comings. and yet here is a prophet of God that so simply owns up to his sin and also acknowledges a profound truth; that God is our creator with all power and all control. But also that this all powerful all controlling creator will do what He wishes.

I was young, naive and way too planned out for my own good. I had the five year plan for college and career success. but most of all i had the five year plan for ministry and spiritual success! I was going to graduate high school, go to bible college, graduate a year early and start my ministry overseas and become the greatest missionary the world had ever seen! i was going to shake the world with my awesomeness!

What happened was that i graduated from high school and God told me that i was going to stay in Colorado springs and study Anthropology at the University for two years and then i would go to Bible college. I was infuriated! that would set me back two years on my five year plan! Outrageous!
Well two years passed and i was comfortable with where i was at. As a result i decided (without God's permission) that i was going to stay in the Springs and finish my degree in Anthropoligy. I mean i was already half way through . . . right?! Well sometimes God has to shake up your world of comfort to make you feel a need to change up the scenery. Well God shook my world a bit and i needed to get away, and fast! So, in a hurried state i rushed with my application to Gateway and headed to Florissant Missouri to continue my education and learn from the greatest apostolic minds of the world!

Two years passed and many heart breaking things happened in my life. My parents divorced, I lived away from my sisters for the first time, I learned what it really meant to struggle financially and live on 16 cents for 4 months. I learned about relationships and depression. It was deep trials of self discovery and God discovery. In many ways those days were dark times.
Those were also times of deep undercurrents of spiritual reconstruction within my soul. It was the first time i gave God my full trust, it was the first time i allowed myself to put my whole being into his safe care. It was a time where i learned the value of believing and knowing that no matter the circumstance; if i cling to him He will ALWAYS provide. Ultimately; however, I learned about His unconditional and unwavering love.

After two years at Gateway God decided to throw me through another loop. He sent me home. I told myself that i would never be one of those kids that went home early without a degree in their hands. And yet, the day Gateway asked me to leave because of lack of funds, my heart broke. I felt torn between knowing where i was supposed to be and knowing that the money just wasn't there. And so in self defeat and self loathing, I packed my minivan up and headed home. I was spiritually broken, emotionally defeated and financially penniless. I  was quite literally homeless in my soul and a sense of self confidence within me had shattered to pieces.

It is in that moment in life where God has placed you down a certain path that you realize you have two choices to make:
1. You can either turn away from God because your pain is SO great. You dont understand why something is happening and nothing makes sense at all. And so you turn to the wisdom of your human mind to lead you and guide you.and ultimately self destruct. Or. . .
2. In that moment where nothing makes sense and you dont understand what is going on that you recognize and say, "He is the Lord; let him do what is good in His eyes."
And though you may be heartbroken, you may feel defeated and your dreams may feel so far lost and unreachable. But in it all, and through it all you commit your heart to follow after your Creator. Cling to Him and hope through Him, that He will guide you through and keep you no matter how hopeless it may seem.

I went home, and for two months i worked the hardest that i have ever worked in my entire life. I am SO proud of those days! It brings me great joy to remember those days of growth. Looking back i realize that i am so thankful God sent me home. If he hadn't i would never have learned the value of a deepness in Christ. An intimacy you can achieve in God through prayer and FASTING!!! But most of all i learned the value of trusting even when you don't understand something.

To be honest i dont know why I am at Gateway. What are God's plans for me? If you know, please fill me in ;) However, i am coming to a better understanding of what it is to blindly trust. Eli...Though his pain was great, and the judgement upon his family was final and severe. He looked at that judgement and faced it head on. He recognized that he was just a man, and God was his maker. He recognized who really was in control and he found solace in that.

We need to get to the point where we recognize who REALLY is in control of our lives. God our Lord and Saviour is in control of all. The sooner you release your will for His, the sooner you will find peace and comfort. True joy will enter your heart. Fear and uncertainty will no longer have a foothold in your soul. Because He is the Lord and He will do what He pleases. Its our job to love Him, stay true to Him and mold our lives to the will of His. Nothing short of that will suffice.

Go and read Samuel 3. It will encourage you and strengthen you. There is something so empowering about reading the word of God. Let it minister to your soul on a regular basis. :)

The Writing on the Wall

You know, I am a walking miracle. I am. Let me start from the beginning. . . April 2011, Gateway has asked me to leave because of finances. I didn't feel a peace about leaving. In fact I felt an immense sense of personal failure. But I prayed to God to give me strength to go back home and find peace in it. Instead God gave me strength and also gave me a purpose. Many do not know my story beyond Gateway. You know I went home but you do not know the journey.

I now cherish every step I made. I cherish the sunshine and the rain from those days but most of all I cherish the quiet moments before work when God revealed things to me and matured me.

Because of those early morning devotions, I learned what it really meant to pray, what it really meant to hunger for his word, what it really meant to fast, what it really meant to wait in silence to hear His voice. But most of all I learned what it meant to believe in something that God gave to me and cling to it even when all the world said it was impossible. You see I really believed that I was supposed to come back to Gateway. I don't know why and I still don't but I know I was supposed to.

So as a result of that conviction, I woke up one warm day in may and decided that if I was going back I couldn't wait for my miracle to fall in my lap. I realized that I had to get up and start moving in the direction of my miracle. And so I got my mopie self together. I collected all my self loathing and self pity and decided that it was not helping and got rid of it. I was in battle and it was a battle against time.

To shorten a very long journey. I worked the hardest that I have ever worked in my life. For a purpose and a goal that I could not and still do not fully understand. I worked full time in a dry cleaners at a five star hotel named the Broadmoor. At this hotel I met the most amazing people I will ever have the privilege of knowing. They were asians, Jamaicans, Africans, hispanics and so many more cultures compacted into one building. Lunch was always fascinating to me.  I brought my own lunch but I always wanted to eat everyone else's food.

When I wasn't working fulltime I was baking to raise money for college. I saved all my change and raised over a hundred dollars. And when I wasn't working I was at the church. I was helping with extra things like gift wrap, Christmas musicals, praise singing, youth activities. To say the least I was a very busy person.

My beautiful sister Ams got me a gift while I was at work one day. It was a wall stensil that said, "go confidently in the direction of your dreams." It faced my bed so that every morning that I woke up I had a reason to keep going. A goal to attain.

Well it was coming to the end. In faith I have always been a tad drastic. I don't have back-up plans. I just go all out or not at all. And so two months before january I told my boss that I was quitting in the beginning of January and was going back to school. I told her this knowing that I was $2000 short. But I knew that I was going. When you know something is right you just do it. You don't question what is right you just wonder how you are going to get there. I did not find out if I was going back to Gateway until the very day I quit my job. So if I didn't get back in I was without a job and without a school. But in my mind and in my heart it was a risk I was willing to take.

Christmas came and went and two weeks from knowing whether I knew I would go or not I got into a wreck. This is one of the reasons I am a walking miracle.  Imagine with me a snow storm. The highway packed down with ice and covered in an ever growing layer of snow. Dangerous.  But missing work in my mind was not an option. I grabbed my coffee and my lunch and headed out onto the highway. I was almost to work when a white jeep in front of me decided to switch lanes and in doing so slammed on their breaks. To keep from hitting the Jeep I hit my breaks. While in a thirty car cluster I started to swerve. And with two semi trucks on my right I swerved out of control and with my van now sideways swerved right into the semi trucks lane. You know that moment where you are going to die? They say your life flashes before your eyes. . . Well there were no flashes. A peace just came over me. I don't know how and the drivers who were also apart of the wreck don't know how but the semi trucks somehow got out of the way. My van was completely 360ing out of control by this point. I was now against the flow of traffic and I remember seeing cars everywhere. I was headed straight for the median at full speed. The car refused to stop and in final desperation I screamed out "JESUS!" and my van just stopped. Completely just stopped. Two other cars ended up on the side of the median one actually hit me but we were all so blessed. I should have died that day but I didn't. What did happen was as the preverbial smoke cleared, my hands were shaking, I was crying and I was saying over and over, "thank you Jesus" I heard the Lord speak to me and say, "I am not finished with you yet."

I am a walking miracle. But most of all my van is a walking miracle ;) he only needs his headlight fixed.

Finances were not only tight they were EXTREMELY tight. Ends weren't meeting. I was stressing but I knew my miracle was coming. The money wasn't there but I called Gateway anyway. They said that I could come back and with a plan in motion I set out. I said goodbye to loved ones.

But here is the thing. I shouldn't be here. But I am. I am a walking miracle. I walked into my dorm room on Monday and on the wall it said, "everyday holds the possibility for a miracle." And it is true. God has given one miracle after the other.

But the past week I have lived under such a fog. I didn't feel joy, I wasnt excited or even anything positive. I was just existing. I was doing things differently. I tried out for chorale and went about doing things to get a job and take care of finances but I still wasn't happy or excited. 

Come to find out. . . I was still living in survival mode. I'm used to surviving.  So much so that when I don't have to anymore I don't know any other way to be. I couldn't find peace here because I was afraid that it was all going to fall apart again. I was preparing for something to go wrong. I was waiting for the surprise attack. I was waiting for my miracle to fall through. The truth was that I wasn't trusting God and I was worrying over something that didn't even exist.

Spiritual emphasis week was amazing. But if there was one thing I took from it, it was this. Tomorrow is tomorrow I'll step towards it tomorrow. Today is today I'll keep moving forward. But yesterday is dead and gone. The struggles, the pain, the tears and uncertainty of those times are no more. All I have is the future so why not grab it by the horns and milk it for all its got. No matter what happens. Even if my miracle did fall through and I had to go home again. I know that there would be a reason. I may not understand it, I don't now but God loves me and He has a purpose for me. He isn't done with me. I know because he has left me writings on the wall.

And so I have resolved to live my life with NO MORE FEAR, NO MORE UNCERTAINTY, NO MORE DOUBT. I WILL MOVE FORWARD, I WILL KEEP GOING. God reminded me that I am strong but that through Him I am stronger. I may not know what tomorrow brings but one thing i do know is that it is going to be an adventure.

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Patching It Up

My fingers were aching from the long day of sewing on buttons, hemming pants, patching holes, and fixing seams. With each pierce of the needle into a new shirt, the needle began to become a part of me, like a third limb. My daily routine is to stand by the button machine; a 2 1/2 foot pole with a machine on top. Held in place by screws drilled on the four corners of it. It is a black machine of iron and it is manual. So by sewing the buttons on I turn the wheel and the machine buttons the buttons onto the item. So to say the least, the routine of my day is pretty standard with a pattern I run along in my mind. Without the pattern I emotionally become chaotic. I am a creature of habit, of stability and when that routine is broken I adjust as I always have but I adjust painfully and uncomfortably. But for most people this is true.

And so my daily routine was running its natural course. Every two hours I would go for a break or lunch. And then I would go to the front and see what needed to be done, and if there was nothing needing work I headed to the alterations room to catch up on the mending. I was back in the room for a couple hours. The line with mending hanging beside me just grew and grew and I was unsure as to whether I would finish it all by myself. I contemplated asking my boss to help me but knew that it would disappoint me inwardly to ask her. My fears of failure a still very real insecurity inside. We all have fears and insecurity's. I guess the only difference between confidence and insecurity is how you define it. What I deem failure by definition is not failure or weakness but rather a normal part of life's difficulties. A stumbling block if you will. But not being sufficient enough or lacking in some way makes me feel inadequate and in many ways a personal definition of a failure. Maybe its the perfectionist, or over achiever in me. Or maybe its just the part of me called "the critic" she never really stops her constant berating upon my confidence.

Either way I feel the constant pressure to make someone proud. The thought of disappointing anyone causes me great distress and in many ways wounds me deeply. However, what may be a weakness for me could be something totally different for another.

So I was sewing my little heart out. Becoming quite frustrated with a pair of pants that had huge holes in the crotch. And let me just point out. As a seamstress in training I would like to say that when your clothes wear out THROW them AWAY! I don't care if they are your favorite! Because, trying to mend these clothes that are irreparable is so difficult to do. And even if we were to patch them up, they would never look brand new. They would look tacky and aged. Okay so I am off my soap box. And so the black pair of cotton pants were the enemy of my habitual day. Going against my daily routine. By taking up so much of my brain power and aching finger's sewing skills. And as I was concentrating entirely to hard on one of the holes my coworker began to open up to me. With each story she told I sensed a little more of how much she ached within. Her husband sick, her parents passed, her struggles spiritually, her struggles at work and her fears and insecurity's in life. I heard one story after another. I was transfixed by each tale.

You see this woman, is a woman of strength. There is a solid piece of steel that rides all the way down her spine. She can lead with a force of the wind but also with the breeze of gentility. And though I would not describe her as gentle by nature, I believe that she loves deeply by nature. But we are social creatures by nature and with each tale she told I could sense a deep loss within her. A loneliness that permeated her very being with mourning and sadness. Her eyes both soft but distant. She sees everything through the grand scope of life, and though she sees the little details, the greater meaning knocks on the door of her heart.

She had told me stories all day as I mended. I began to pause at my sewing machine when she spoke. As the engine still ran and the little green monster roared and shook under my hands. The wretched black pants still in my hands as I tried to swivel the stupid patched cloth under the sharp metal needle that ached to move. But I refused to push my foot upon the vibrating pedal so that I could hear what she had to say next.

As she ended another story, she said, "these are things I used to talk to my mother about." As she turned to close a window. Her shoulders were drawn down and her body was sad. You could see that life had tired her. A stirring in my spirit whirled about in my soul and a warmth of both love and sympathy permeated my heart and chest as the words filled my mind with strength and comfort. The words were, "You are not alone." And I felt a need to say the words. For a split second my insecurity's played with my mind as I thought, "don't be an idiot, she doesn't want to hear that. She is how many years older than you?!" But I new the words needed to be said.

I turned around on my red swivel chair. The engine on my green sewing machine still growling behind me. And as I clutched the aged black cotton pants in my hands, I said softly to my co-worker's back, "you are not alone" for a split second I felt so stupid. What would she think? That I was meddling? I should never have said anything! But then she turned and with tears streaming down her pale white cheeks, her unique gray blue eyes, red rimmed and saddened looked back at me with comfort and surprise at my statement. And she said, "I know, but some days it gets so hard."

Oh, how one simple statement can reach into a persons life and change them. But we do. We can be surrounded by so many people and feel so alone. Because the intimacy that we grow accustomed to with certain individuals in our daily routine or pattern of life become a constant. But when that routine changes and that person is gone, we feel such a magnitude of solitude and loneliness that it can isolate us from even the people that are still present in our lives.

If you are a person that is also struggling with this, I want you to know that you are not alone. That though you may feel isolated emotionally or geographically from the ones you love, there is love all around you.

"Don’t you be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness." -Isaiah 41:10

I know what it feels like to see hundreds of faces everyday and feel the emotional distance and isolation from them, but then you realize that many days they are feeling the same emotional isolation in you. When I lived at Gateway, it was the first time I had ever been out on my own. It was my fourth year of college but it was my first year as a single person out and about in the world. I didn't know how to just be Ashley because I defined myself through my family. Everything I was, was defined by who I was through my family. So when I moved to Florissant Missouri, I didn't know who I was without my sisters. I didn't know how to have a conversation just as me without the constant interruptions or interjections from my sisters. I had to relearn who I was and I had to figure out what I liked all over again. It was a painful lonely process. Many days I stayed in my dorm room. Reading, doing homework, sleeping or just surfing the net. When I looked at peoples faces as I walked down the hall, I saw a distance, when I sat at lunch or in a classroom I felt the isolation as I sat alone, when I traveled with my classmates; my ipod became my best friend. But when I was alone, I yearned to feel uncontrollable laughter like I used to. I wanted to scream to the air just so that I could be heard, I wanted a hug so badly and I just wanted someone to tell me that they were there. The isolation was so intense and burdened me that I became even more anti social. I only went to dinner when I knew a few people were in the cafeteria and it wouldn't be to loud. And some days if a room became to crowded my sense of hearing would spike and a laughter that rang through the air would sound shrill and send my nerves on over drive. I would instantly enter into a foul mood and have an intense desire to escape to a place that was quieter. I learned I didn't have patience for people anymore and many times it was hard for me to hold a conversation because I felt to awkward. It felt as if everything I said held no meaning or value, or it just wasn't pertinent to the conversation itself. And to be honest there are days where I still struggle with socializing and having a conversation. So I know what loneliness feels like. Its a heaviness that even sleep can't take away. But I can't imagine loneliness plaguing me when I didn't have God in my life. That kind of solitude would have been to much for me to bear.

"Be strong and courageous, don’t be afraid, nor be scared of them: for Yahweh your God, he it is who does go with you; he will not fail you, nor forsake you."
-Deuteronomy 31:6

And so these words are for you, "you are not alone" hopefully you will realize that all those faces that look distant really are faces that are just as lonely as you are. We all desire to be noticed, to be loved, and to be social. But many times we just don't know how to go about to get it. You are not alone. Find comfort in that knowledge and your daily routine will move by much smoother and gentler. And I can promise you there will come a day where God will send you someone to comfort you, and show you that you are worth loving and your unique thoughts and habits are what make you beautiful.

God sent me Bex, Meggles, Ruth, Amanda, Arica, Rafael, and my lil sis Ams to me at Gateway and it was the best year ever! God will never give you more than you can handle. Maybe he is just asking you through your solitude to draw closer to him. To desire him when you have no one else. He wants an intimacy with you, that you otherwise would never have given him if you weren't feeling lonely. But when you are feeling lonely you can always count on the fact that God will always be present and ever involved in your life.

"for he has said, “I will in no way leave you, neither will I in any way forsake you.” -Hebrews 13:5 (second half)

So you may feel like that aged pair of black cotton pants that I was stitching up. It was so old, the threads were thin and bare. Stretched to the point of tearing but here is the reality of those pants. They were a persons favorite pair. They loved that pair so much that even though huge holes had torn through the thin fabric they still desired to wear them. Maybe through your loneliness God is just asking you to draw closer to him so that he can patch up some of the holes in your life. He loves you so much that he has no desire to throw you away. He wants to make you like new again. And though those pants I am mending will never look brand new; God is the great mender of all and when you draw close to him in your loneliness those holes won't just be sewn up, you'll be brand new. He loves you that much.

Stepping on Toes

When you decide to blow down the gates of hell. Idle minions do not just let you ransack their province with the glory of God just as you wouldn't just allow an individual to ransack your home. Immediate reaction and retaliation is put into action to ensure the safety of both the individuals and the property that is being attacked. And then after you blow open Hell's gates, counter attacks are to be expected and yet many times WE stand idle as the devil tears apart our home after we take a step towards Christ.  

I have both a prayer request and a testimony that I would like to share. I work at a dry cleaning place at the Broadmoor hotel in colorado springs and I cross train in the alterations section of the building as well. I enjoy what I do. And upon hiring it was understood that if work was slow, and we were not busy in the dry cleaning area I can go to the alterations room and work there in my spare time. And I love it. To make a very LONG story short. There has been opposition from co-workers who did not know the agreement set up upon my hiring. For the past week, a new Broadmoor dry cleaner's holiday was established, and it is called, "Let's ALL hate Ashley day!" Lol it was literally a dry cleaning uprising as people in ignorance, judged, called me names, glared, and refused to work beside me. It was overall a terrible week. But as I was bagging the last of the clothing for the day to be put away today. I thought something profound. I don't want to leave, hide or otherwise run as far away from this place as I possibly can. I love my work and I love my job. But most of all, I mourn for these people that so easily cast a stone at an innocent person without justifiable cause. 

Not a week before this incident another incident had taken place where a co-worker literally tried to cut my hair off. I ran for my precious hair life! Ha! It was so strange in which the incident transpired. I had just gotten a perm and they wanted to see it so I took my hair down. Literally a crazed frenzy came over the women she became intensely intent upon sheering my beautiful brown locks. And with haste and glorious motivation I ran from her as she fumbled for scissors and yes . . . She followed in suit running after me with scissors in hand. It was a terrible experience and afterwards with my hair safely pinned up I worked in shock and with a slight case of a nauseated stomach.   

These are two scenes that have happened within the past two weeks RIGHT AFTER I started to continually pray and fast for the people of the Broadmoor. Bringing names in prayer, and praying in my spare time for the souls of these people have gotten the attention of the enemy and their counter attacks are evident. 

I began to think on the idea of, what if she had cut my hair? Oh my word! I am a child of God, a born again Christian, baptized in the mighty name of Jesus Christ by which all must be saved and filled with the infilling of the Holy Ghost by evidence of speaking tongues. And I am under the protection of the Creator that I serve. I would pray for mercy for these souls that do not realize what they are doing to themselves. They are "heaping coals upon their own heads" they are bringing judgment upon their own lives and I fear the consequences of their actions. The Lord protects His own. And though I am facing hard times at work, I know the Lord has me in the palm of His hand protecting me and guiding me.

I am hurt because of what is going on but listen to me well. I LOVE these people! They have hurt me but I love them still! I pray for them still, I will continue to fast! And I will continue to love them, be their friend, and not lay a finger upon them. What they choose to do is up to them. But I will be as Christian as I possibly can. I am extremely proud of myself to day especially. Because as they openly talked about me IN FRONT OF ME. I did not raise my voice, I respected them as my elder, I continue to work hard, I left the correction up to my supervisor, and I responded to all of them in an even and calm tone! Haha! Who would of thought that would be possible for me?! All I could think was this, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of fools pour out folly. The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good. A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit." -Proverbs 15:1-4 

The Lord knows my plight, and I did the best that I could do in the situation that I was in. the Lord will bless me and continue to hold me in the palm of His hand if I will continue to lean on Him in these trials BUT even in anything in life!

Look at Moses and the children of God as they were watching pharaoh and his army descend on them to destroy them simply because they were the children of God. "And Moses said to the people, 'Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will accomplish for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see again no more forever. ' The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.' And the Lord said to Moses, 'why do you cry to me? Tell the children of Israel to go forward." Exodus 14:13-15 So I will continue to go forward! I will continue to speak gently, to be kind, to be loving and to be their FRIEND! And the Lord will fight for me and His glory will be revealed through this trial. 

But this is the truth of the matter. I probably would not be facing this trial if I was not fasting and praying actively for the souls of these individuals. I must realize that I am fighting more than just a physical battle but a spiritual battle. It is written "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." -Ephesians 6:12

I absolutely LOVE ephesians! It is a book of battle and action! But above all thing truth and faith, that book in my bible has just had the mess highlighted right out of it :) but this is what I want to get across. Adversaries and hard times in your life are not necessarily a bad thing, for it encourages growth. I am growing through this uncomfortable time at work. I am learning things about myself and others. But most of all, I don't believe any true positive change can come about in these people's lives without first a battle from the adversary taking place. Because it is only then you realize that the Devil is not in complacency but rather in defense. As a result you realize that your prayers are being heard and spiritual actions are being prepped and packaged to bless the Broadmoor with a whole new beginning.

So what do you do when the adversary strikes back? You continue to pray, you continue to fast, you continue to fight! And as Ephesians says to put the whole armour of God on. Ephesians 6:13-18 
1.Girded your waist with truth
2.Breastplate of righteousness
3.Shod your feet with preparation of the gospel of peace
4.Taking the shield of faith
5. And lastly the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit which is the word of God.

But I love this last scripture and it goes like this, "Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints." WOW! How beautiful. Never stand still go in and continue to fight for truth and you can't go wrong.

So in closing I encourage a few toes to be stepped on. Because its when their stepped on that any change or reaction can be made! 

To Feel His Wounds

I was inspired a couple of weeks ago to write about the proof of God's existence. Now knowing my audience, the thoughts that are running through the minds of my readers are probably running along the lines of, "Ash, I think you took a little to much than you can swallow." And i must agree, the topic is a little grand in scale, but when is anything concerning God any smaller than grand? 


And as a side note the article on the topic of God creating evil will be written soon. but like anything that i do, i want to be fully studied and confident in my convictions on the topic before i open my mouth or cyber lips as it were to share it with the world. 


There was an personal incident that took place a couple of weeks ago that both hurt me, but also taught me a lesson on the belief or existence (regardless of the thing in question). Without sharing all the gory details of what happened, i just want to previse  this article by saying that this article is inspired and an open letter to a specific person who is struggling with this very topic. He knows who he is. I also want to further previse by saying that there will be a quote in this article that came directly from this person that will further fortify the topic of this article, and that is the only reason why i put it in the article. If it had other wise held no bearing to the topic i would have kept it out. 


"You know sometimes i wonder if you are real. I know you're there and i've tried to get to you and i have come close but i always seem to fall short. It's the same way with God. . ." -Anonymous


I was reading today (as i usually do) and i came across a quote that absolutely shook me. And even though i had subconsciously known it, learning the lesson consciously took it to a whole different level. The book i was reading is titled, "The 100 Absolutely Unbreakable Laws of Business Success, and it said, "You do not necessarily believe what you see, but rather you see what you already believe." The topic was on the Law of Causality, and i was reading the four sub points of cause and effect. The first sub point was the Law of Belief. And as i was reading this book though business based, my mind and heart was drawn to the spiritual ramifications of this law. 


I thought of atheist's that argue that there is no God. they ask, "can you see him?" Has he spoken to you?" "is there any proof in the earth or even universe that is tangible for the existence of God." But what shook my world about this quote was the idea that they have already decided what they believe, so even if God Himself had walked up to the man and shook his hand, he would continue to deny the existence of God because before God had even walked up to him he had already mentally decided on what he would see. that is why so many people walk right past a blessing or a personal experience with God without even knowing it because they were unable to see Him there. they saw what they had chosen to believe instead of believing what they saw. 


The truth is that short of God in all His blazing and glorious power swooping down to earth in a fire chariot nothing is good enough for some people to believe in the existence of God. And for some, even if they had seen God swoop down with lightning and such, they still would not have accepted God as their creator. and that is the reality of the power of humanities mind. We can blind ourselves from the truth so powerfully that we hinder our own spiritual condition. 


Furthermore; when you become so materialistic in your mindset the practice of faith is drastically hindered. It is by faith that true spiritual inspiration reveals that God is real and that the world in which we know was framed and created by God, 
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. . . by faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible." -Hebrews 11:1
Faith cannot be touched by finding the perfect evidence scientifically to prove the existence of God. Because, creation in itself is proof of God's existence. 


C.S. Lewis wrote in his book Mere Christianity, "If there was a controlling power outside the universe, it could not show itself to us as one of the facts inside the universe-no more than the architect of a house could actually be a wall or staircase or fireplace in that house. The only way in which we would expect it to show itself would be inside ourselves as an influence or a command trying to get us to behave in a certain way." 
So many people are looking for the existence of God in the wall of the universe. We have to understand that God is not the wall but rather the architect who designed the universe. We can see aspects of who God is through His creation but we can't expect to see God himself in His creation. It is only a reflection of his nature.


Take for instance the time when Jesus went to see Thomas after he was risen. Thomas had said, ' unless i see in His hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe.' (Acts 20:25) And after Jesus had visited, and Thomas had touch his wounds and his side, Jesus spoke and said, "Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." (Acts 20:29)  I like how it was so simply put by Jamie in Walk to Remember, "God is like the wind, you can feel it but you cant see it." The proof is in the wind. You dont need to see the wind to know that it exists and that it is there. That is why Jesus said, blessed are those that have not felt Jesus' wounds and believed. 


1. Nature itself is a testament to God's existence.
2. Your conscience, the very law of human nature is the faint whisper of God's voice  
3. And the Holy Spirit that dwells within you is the feel of His presence. 


these are just a few examples out of the many that prove the existence of God. And yet many people do not see God in these things. 


So the real question is not whether God is real, but rather do you choose to believe that God is real? Because though you deny God's existence does not mean that He ceases to exist. Just as truth does not cease to exist just because everyone believes a lie. 


do you not see God in your life? Do you not see him ministering to you on a daily basis? Just close your eyes for a moment, and ask God to minister to you. because he is already all around you, He is just waiting for you to realize it. I don't know how He will speak to you, what you will feel. But what i can tell you is that God will never disappoint. God desires to be near you. If you will only allow Him to minister to you. Don't wait until you see something to believe that God can perform miracles in your life because then it will be to late. Believe and have faith and then you will see what you never imagined.


So it all boils down to this . . . You believe in the existence of God, but you have a hard time believing in His existence in your life. He feels so far away, you feel you can only get so far and then you fall once again. At least that is how my friend feels. I want to share something with you. we all at times feel this way, but it is His word that we cling to when we feel like our prayers are bouncing off the clouds. i have learned four valuable lessons on how to keep marching even when you don't think you can take another step


1. lift your hands and worship God anyway. You were created to worship your creator. When you hinder yourself from worshiping you are hindering everything else in your life. Worship God even when its hard to, when you don't think you can. Just lift your hands, clap your hands, say hallelujah, just let God know that you love Him and that you are trying to seek Him even in your pain
2. Read the word of God. In your darkest times, the book of psalms can be such an encouragement. One of my professors told me that i should pray the psalms when i cant seem to find the words. When my parents were getting a divorce the psalms gave me comfort through the heartache. reading God's word gives you strength and guidance. You'd be surprised how much you recall later.
3. praying. How can you expect to get anywhere spiritually when you aren't even willing to get to know your God. You can't move anywhere without communication. God knows that sometimes there are no words. All He asks is that you lean on Him when all you have are tears. As my mothers says, just give it to Him, Give God your sorrows, and He will replace it with peace and joy.
4. And lastly i cannot begin to tell you the value of fasting. It is an underrated practice in the Christian faith but i am starting to realize how powerful fasting can be in your life. You want to get Gods attention! Fast! Fast like you are desperate for a change, that you are desperate for an answer from God, that you need to feel Him surround you right then and there. And i can assure you, nothing gets Gods attention more than when you lay aside food and focus all your attention on Him. He see's your sacrifice and desires to bless you for it.


Don't lose hope. It is only when you give up and decide to walk away that you become a failure. But if there is one thing i am learning in God. Is that no matter what i have done he still loves me. No matter how many times i have walked away, he still desires to give me my inheritance, no matter how many times i sin, he still loves me enough to forgive me. He may feel far away and non existent in your life. But i assure you if you practice these things regularly in your life you will see a change. But you need to be desperate. You must desire a change! only then will you see the change come to pass. It doesn't start with God, it starts with you. 


God wants to show you the wounds in His hands and in His side, but you have got to be willing to meet Him in the meeting place. But those of you who already believe without seeing His wounds God says you are blessed. It is the power of His wounds in which you are healed. Allow God to heal you tonight. Allow Him to minister to you like you have never allowed Him to before. 

Get your boxing gloves!

I have been thinking on this topic all day. I get two ten minute breaks and a thirty minute lunch each day and every chance I get I try to add a few more words to this article. I feel like God is really trying to get this topic out. As a person that consciously and subconsciously thought these thoughts I feel with certifiable confidence that I can write on this topic. 

It is a topic which pertains to the idea that "life is easy" and "fighting for what I want is not necessary because God will take care of it." Now already with this one statement I know you are thinking, "I know life isn't easy in fact it stinks!" Well yes but what I am speaking of is different than what you are thinking. Life in the material sense is not easy and we realize that. We know we have to fight to be successful. We know we have to fight to get extra money in the bank and fight to keep our kids out of trouble, and getting good grades. All these things in life we know take work but there is one area in our lives that consciously we know we need to fight but subconsciously we feel it will just come to us, that God will just "bless" us. And that is our walk with God, our ministry with God, our everyday spiritual life with God. 

Now I realize that statement is pretty generalized so let me narrow it down for you

If you ever want to see results in yourself, and in your family it will not just magically happen or appear one morning when you wake up. Your finances won't just magically fix itself, just as your depression and emotional solitude will not just disappear.

Your son will not all of a sudden love God and serve him with his whole heart if you are talking behind the pastors back at home, or not showing him a regular and loved prayer life, if he doesn't see the fruits of the spirit as a witness in your life what can he base his only relationship (or lack there of) on? He is only living out what you can't see in yourself.    

You mourn for your family but you can't yet see that you yourself are spiritually dying! Quit waiting for God to just appear and lift you out of the situation you are in. He's waiting for you to put your boxing gloves on and start fighting back. praying, fasting, serving in your church, community, and family are the ways  to pull your way out of the spiritual rut you are in. 

Now let me prefiss by saying that I don't want you to think that God is not willing at all to "bless" you or save you from your situation. Because believe me, God wants to do all those things and more BUT what have you done to grow your intimacy in Him? This relationship with God can be so one sided. There is a reason people are called "prayer warriors" and "intercessors" and the idea that you should put the "whole armor of God on" because these titles imply a sense of battle, of trials and many times pain. They also imply an intense call for action! 

But the truth is that You only pray to God when you need something which is most likely every couple weeks maybe months. You don't fast regularly in fact you maybe fast once a year OR never and you aren't involved in church or your community at all. 

I will share a secret with you. . . It all comes down to one thing. Are you Faithful? Because God is faithful but he can only work as far as you allow him. Are you faithful? Have you put your spiritual boxing gloves on lately?

Imagine the seclusion our creator must feel when He only hears you cry out to Him when you are in need. He must feel like a bank that MUST give out free money every time you come calling. Instead he wants to bless you but every time he calls just to visit or say hello, well you aren't around. He doesn't just want to be a bank. He wants to be your friend. Now I believe we have a hard time seeing God as having emotions but the Bible gives plenty of examples of him feeling many things. We have an example from the very beginning of the good book. When God created man after His own image. He wasn't just talking about his Adam's physical body He was also describing Adams nature. 

now put that into context with your relationship with Him. He wants your faithfulness. He bought you with a price and desires for that price to be paid continually. It really isn't a high price to pay when you have a relationship with Him. Because, you would desire to be as close to Him as possible every moment of the day.

we wonder why so many things that we go through or struggle with are even there. However, we come (hopefully) to realize all the fault lays with us alone not with God. 

Faithfulness is such a demanding word for us. It means that regardless of what happens, I will not stop kneeling on my knees and giving it to Christ. 

How many stories do we have where trials, and requests were made of Gods people. These were things that were asked not as a demand but because a great reward goes hand in hand with sacrifice and faithfulness. The rich man was asked to give up all that he had and walk with Christ but he refused because he was not truly faithful and he was not willing to sacrifice material things for a far greater reward. 

How about David, "a man after God's own heart" he was anointed as king but he didn't just gain the crown on that very day. He went through persecution,  trials, he was chased by the very king he respected and he was tempted another moment to take his life. But one thing that stands out from this story is David's faithfulness and sacrificing spirit for a far greater reward.  

Sometimes all we need is a reminder that even though we mess up does not mean that we can justify giving up on our walk with God. Faithfulness is having the courage to keep walking even when it seems like we don't have the strength to do it. 

" The Lord is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy. The Lord is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works." -Psalm 145:8-9

Even though you may stumble does not mean that you should give up on God because He will not give up on you. Just as when David slipped and fell into temptation with the woman on the roof top. Not only did David lust after that woman, he had an affair with her, AND he had her husband murdered on the front lines of war as a means to rid him of the inconvenience. These were heinous acts that David did do; however, he still fell before Gods face in prayer and begged for forgiveness and continued to live for Him. Just as you should feel the NEED to continue to live for God regardless of the sins you have committed in the past or even the things in which you struggle with right now.

Remember God's faithfulness is forever, because if it isn't forever it isn't faithful! -Bro Jerry Jones. But for anything to come and bear fruit in your life actions should be made on your part. Are you willing to put your spiritual boxing gloves on and fight for what you want to see come true in your life? Are you willing to fast until you feel a break through in your spirit? Are you willing to pray until you feel his warm touch on your shoulder? Are you willing to give yourself to servitude towards others as a means of worship towards your creator? These are things that God loves and desires to see in His children. 

It is time we quit waiting for something to happen when we haven't even taken the spiritual first step ourselves! We need to take initiative and start living a godly and holy life for Christ and only then will we begin to see fruit begin to grow in our spiritual lives and in those that we love. 

Step into the spiritual ring and prepare to beat the devil up! Continue to stay faithful to Christ and the adversary will begin to see that you aren't going down without a fight!

Clinging To The Call

It happens in all of us. However for others the devastation is irreparable. Have you ever seen the hollow emptiness in a person's eyes. You can even see it in the brother that sits in the pew in front of you. These are people that at one point in their life slowly but surely let hold of the hopes and dreams they so deeply cherished. It doesn't happen over night. Sometimes its the circumstances in life that slowly chip away the confidence you once had in your future. Or other times, its the mistakes or "failures" in your life that you feel with immovable conviction can never be redeemed. Regardless of the reason for the death of your dreams, it happens and it happens to many of us.

Death is a common occurrence. It happens daily and with every passing second someone dies around the world. However I would declare that for one physical death 5 deaths of a vision, a hope, a dream has just perished in a persons heart. Why is it so easy for humanity to let go of what is burning in them? Some say it is because the youthful lust for life slowly dissipates until at one point in life we just settle into the reality of the world. They actually encourage the abandonment of "childhood" fancies. We let go of our deepest desires in place for second best, compromise and even settling for something we never really even wanted.

Letting go of your dreams is an emotional suicide, a lifetime of stagnation and an indefinite retirement of movement in life. And yet when the going gets tough it is the first thing that gets thrown over board in an attempt to survive the bumpy ride.

1. Heart aches and disappointments motivate us to give up on our goals
2. When something doesn't happen in our timing we settle for the "next best thing"
3. When God gives us a vision we so easily "forget" over time that we had it
4. And most of all when it comes to love, we have a tendency to settle, compromise, and even forfeit convictions for convenience.

Why do we do these things?!
If we are going to be anything in Christ. If we are going to be used in any capacity as ministers we must keep the faith and cling to the dreams God placed in our heart.

Jeremiah was known as the weeping prophet. But he was used so mightily by the Lord. He prophesied in a time of extreme peril for the children of God. The chosen people had completely forsaken God for idolatry and pagan practices. Jeremiah's messages basically consisted of warnings for impending destruction of Israel but also exile of the chosen people.

As a result of his extreme messages he was not particularly liked by the people and was persecuted by them. His life was constantly threatened. There came a point in Jeremiah's walk with God where he questioned why he was born and wished he could not even speak the word of God to the people of israel.

It got to the point where he decided that he would no longer speak for God as a messenger for israel. However his silence did not take away the call God had placed in him, nor did it take the message out of his heart. He ended up admitting that there was a fire in his heart that was "shut up in his bones." he could not escape what God had called him to do. Jeremiah had a purpose. One purpose, and that was to be a mediator for God to his people. He could not escape that.

"O Lord, thou hast deceived me, and I was deceived; thou art stronger than I, and hast prevailed: I am in derision daily, every one mocketh me. For since. I spake, I cried out, I cried violence and spoil; because the word of the Lord was made a reproach unto me, and a derision, daily. Then I said, I will not make mention of him, nor speak any more in his name. But his word was in mine heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I was weary with forbearing, and I could not stay." Jeremiah 20:7-9

Where has the burning fire in your heart gone? Why is his word no longer shut up in your bones. Why have you let the purpose God has placed in your life go for the convenience or even the confusion of today?

We as children of God. As called saints and servants of the body of Christ must cling to the calling God has put in our heart. You may feel lost right now, you may feel worthless and of no value. But you can't let go of the purpose placed in your heart, the dreams he placed in your mind, and the word he placed as a burning fire in your bones. Keep dreaming! Because when we stop dreaming, we stop living.

I want to have his word like a fire shut up in my bones! I want to think of nothing else but the call he has placed on my life. My goals, my desires, my dreams, my everything should be centered on God and His plans for me.

What we forget is that God is faithful. He will never give you more than you can handle. He will never forsake you or overburden you. He will test you and he will put you through trials that will strengthen you and prepare you for tomorrow. We as humans are constantly growing, learning and struggling because that is life. We cannot escape sorrow. Just as Jeremiah could not escape his own sorrow, But what we can do is cling to the things that God gave us as a beacon of hope and lean on Him when times get tough.

Don't forsake truth just because you don't understand why you are hurting. Jeremiah could have walked away from God. He could have shut his mouth for the rest of his life and never spoken the prophetic word of God to the people of Israel. But if he had done that the Children of Israel probably would not have found hope, comfort, peace or even known God was there during their exile.

In chapter 20 Jeremiah was angry, he was frustrated and he did question God. But if he had stopped clinging to the call, or even clinging to God. The many messages that God had for his people would never have been spoken. And a silent prophet is no prophet at all. Jeremiah, isaiah and Ezekiel were mighty prophets of God because they stood for truth when all the world had forsaken the call of God for pleasure.

Do you honestly think that because God is silent in your storm that he is not present? Do you honestly think that because of his silence you are entitled to forsake holiness for worldly beauty and pleasures? Your trial is not there in your life to destroy you, it is there to mature you, to break you and humble you. It is there to mold you into the person God would have you to be for His purposes. Don't think that by reverting back to old ways that you are some how progressing forward. You are only hurting yourself more and you will only find more sorrow in life than you bargained for.

Only God can give you pure joy, peace and contentment. For it is in him you can find your true purpose. Seek him first in all things and the rest will come together.

Bro McClintock preached one sunday morning and said this, "Some of you are in dark times in your life, and you are reading the signs wrong because you are focusing on the obvious. But you can't see the big picture. fear not God has a plan, even though you can't see it!"

"And he answered, fear not for they that be with us are more than they that be with them." 2 Kings 6:16

Elisha was saying we have God on our side, who do the syrians have?! They have no one. You may not understand why, but all you need to know is that God is faithful, that He loves you and He has a purpose for your life. And though the trial may feel unbearable cling to the calling God has given you, allow the fire and passion to burn uncontrollably and undeniably in your heart, allow God to feed the flame so that it will be shut up in your bones. For as children of Christ we are all called to a higher purpose than our own.

In closing, I want you to pray and ask God if your heart is right. Pray and ask God if you are doing all that you can do to keep the dream and call alive in your life. Don't compromise in life! Don't cause unnecessary sorrow for yourself just because you don't understand what God is doing in your life right now. Because when you look back later you will realize that "they that be with us is greater than they that be with them."