The Ugly

I can see the ugly within
I have unveiled my own denial
This denial that painted my heart a refreshing facade
but as time passed the paint began to chip away and I saw hints of what truly laid beneath
My own denial deceived my insecure mind into believing my beauty could have no flaw
What a lie.
But the black beneath began to move like a wave eager to come forth
It began to ooze under the surface
It like a fungus began to decay the structure of my home
The place I felt safest
But never trusted
My heart began to reveal what I had so desperately tried to hide
The ugly within had awakened
The blackness of my soul was heartbreakingly sharp in its darkness
The contrast intensely shown through like a bride who was caught in the rain
The pure white of the paint had like a dandruff on the skin turned flaky and foul as it slowly began to peal away from the surface
This dark reality was to much to bear
I was fearful for the moment I met a person more good than me
He would see into the gates of my soul and identify the fraud within
A fake that pawns herself off as rare and expensive gold
but in my purest form I have been bent and dented
I have been folded down and weathered by the elements of life
I am the darkest and blackest of silt
I rest at the bottom of the deepest most chaotic river bed
though soft and smooth to the touch
no life can be birthed from my earth
I am barren and alone and have contented myself with frivolity
The deepest of my ugliness is the lifelessness of my niche
This place that can no longer bring forth life
Like the dead weight of limbs that no longer function
this I carry as my shame
this soul is irredeemable
I am remarkably human and lacking in unique nature
This soul that is suffocating by its true nature grasps for some air
Where is beauty?
Where can I find love?
I know not a place
and just as I feared the moment came in which my crimes have been revealed
my evil mind and desires betray me
The silt of my soil is rich with forbidden acts
It spewed forth itself from the deep crevices of its hiding place
I lay awake and naked to the one person I feared the most
I lay there with the black muck all about me
I can't cover it!
Judgement is sure to come
He stands there in all his pure glory
like the sun he is captivating and bright
I close my eyes and cringe away from the light that pierced my heart
the pain is so great, I am sure to melt away
and in that instant I feel warm
Is this where I find grace?
beauty in the moment I lay most vulnerable?
Could there truly be such a thing?
He found me... Can I be saved?
Truth, Reason, Goodness . . . These things could not save me
But love. His love.
Is that the greatest beauty of all?

"For the life of a creature is in the blood, and I have given it to you to make atonement for yourselves on the altar; it is the blood that makes atonement for one’s life." -Leviticus 17:11