She is my little Baby Birdy

(Photographer: Tara Moore)

Her little dainty foot rested on my knee as she proudly proclaimed that she indeed had learned to tie her little pink converse. I watched with mixed emotions as she took the strings from me and proceeded to do them herself. At first I had every intention of doing them myself, because I did not know she knew how. But once the strings were out of my hands, I released control and allowed her to show me. I wanted to guide her and I watched as my hands on multiple occasions moved forward towards the strings to correct something. It felt and looked like an involuntary twitch or spasm as they would randomly move forward and then back against my chest in purposeful restraint against my own person. I watched in wonder as she showed me her expertise in the matter at hand. Her fingers moved slow with each measure but as she made the loop and tied them in a knot i was amazed and moved by her growth.  After she was done, she lifted herself and threw her hands in the air proclaiming, "See! I told you I learned how! Now I don't need mommy or daddy to help me do it!" Oh what wonderful words fell from her lips as my heart listened and heard.

I can't explain the pride I felt as she leaned down over my knee and showed me she was a big girl. There was this undeniable glow about her. Knowledge, it is the food of growth and maturity. I watched her over night become bigger in person and it was beautiful. She isn't even my daughter, for I am sure that I would have cried like a baby had it been. But I also noticed and learned a valuable lesson from that moment. I wanted to help her, I wanted to show her my way, I wanted to guide her. I wanted to do all those things for such a thing that was no longer necessary. Sometimes you have to learn to let those you love spread their wings and grow. We are more than happy for them to learn but when it comes time to take your hand off the seat of the bicycle, it is in that moment that you learn of what quality you are made of. I learned in that moment how hard it will be for me to let my daughter tie her own shoes. Teaching her would bring me much joy but ultimately allowing her the honor of tying her own shoes had been the final test of my own control.

The truth is that the control we contain stems from a beautiful and endless fountain of love. furthermore, the control we continue to exude upon our children is furthered by our need for them to be safe. That is what I felt in that moment. A need for her to be safe and right. I want to be an amazing mother. I want my daughter to respect me and to love me with her whole heart. But I also want her to know that I very much desire her to grow into what she is meant to be. Even if it means that she is ready to tie her shoes all by herself without my help, then I would try to do it. Even if that moment came before I thought I was ready to let her. Sometimes, the hardest part is knowing they are ready to fly but we aren't ready to let them step off the branch. Its the deep dip, and the immense distance and height that makes us wish that they were dependant on us always. But a deeper pride comes when you realize that they fly so expertly and so beautiful AND OF COURSE even more beautiful than all the other children. :)