I took another trip to the library today and renewed five of the books from the previous pile and then checked out seventeen new books on being a successful writer. they are all different topics. i sit here in my room in complete solitude with a bottle of water, a package of sticky notes, my computer and a pile of books and as i read and sticky note the books to death, i find myself overwhelmed and immersed. i truly feel over come with awe and desire for something that many times feels out of reach, and yet i continue to research, and learn and be better than what i am. i am determined to publish a book, if it is the last thing i do!
School has been good, work is a drag but when i curl up in my pink chair with my jammies on, my hair in a comfy ponytail and a self help book on writing i feel like i am in my element and that i am actually doing something i love. I want to make a difference in this world, i want my voice to be heard and as i read simple sentences, and quotes in these books i find myself tearing up and getting not a feeling of sorrow but of . . . well i don't know. it's not exactly joy and not exactly painful. it's an immense yearning, a passion, a drive, a dream! and even as i am writing these words i feel my heart constrict and my eyes water with such an extreme passion and motivation that i cant contain it within my chest.
i love writing. i love the feeling of seeing my hand hold a pen over parchment with the fluid movements of expression, i love the white glow of a computer screen on my face in the middle of the night as my fingers move to the speed of light over the key board. i love the feeling of writing and seeing responses from people in my life who say that my words helped them, encouraged them, changed their lives, made them cry, brought them closer to God. It is an incredible feeling and in those special moments my life feels complete and it holds the truest and purest meaning that anything else ever could. it is probably the same feeling a surgeon gets when a successful operation has taken place and he sews the last stitch into their precious and delicate skin. life is such a fragile thing,the body, the soul, the heart, the spirit all these elements of a person are things that must be ministered too and while the doctor endeavors to heal the body, i endeavor to touch and mend the heart, and mind. i want my words to stir the soul, and bring a tear of emotion to the eyes of my reader. i want my reader to be moved into action not empathy. for empathy and motivation are two different things.
i love this pile of books on my desk, i love the feeling of suspense as i discover new nuggets of information. I laughed with my friends today when i told them, "When a publisher asks me in the future, 'do you have a degree?' i will reply, 'why yes i do, i have the whole row of library books in my room if you would like to see my resources!" and though that may not be a degree i feel like i am doing something about my dream and that is more than what others can say. My daddy always said, "a dream can only take you so far." and i want to exceed the dreaming part, i want this dream to be my reality. My daddy prays for me every night concerning my procrastination, and though it sounds funny. i am thankful for his prayers, because they are being heard. i endeavor to become an author and the last thing i need is a friend called procrastination in my life. so may my dreams come true with each step i take toward its making!
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