The Topic of Healing

Healing... well healing would seem like a thing that would be smooth and wonderfully transitional. However, many times healing is painful and extremely long. There are times in the healing process where feelings you can't completely comprehend (and probably never will) will take their toll on your confidence and what little strength you think you have.However, healing is so very necessary. I have heard many ministers in my life say that it was because of the sufferings and times of healing in their life that created the backdrop for the anointing they then had in their ministry. Of course I always desired to be used of God in my life, and in what little way I could I wanted to be an over-comer of the struggles that had haunted and shaped me from childhood to now. I think a part of me knew that the darkness of the past had to be brought to the light if I desired to be used in the capacity that God desires. Yet, I don't think I fully understood (on the cognitive) the level of digging in the soul it would take to overcome the demons from the past. All I desire is to be whole! I keep telling myself, all I desire is to be whole! I want to love as a whole person! I am not just talking romantically, I am talking about loving those that I will minister too in the ministry, and I am talking about friends, loved ones and the future children I will have.

I hear many ministers say, "Be careful what you pray for," concerning patience, healing, anointing and trust. However, it was because this phrase was spoken that I was afraid to pray these prayers. I thought it should be avoided because it works! ha! Yet, it is these prayers that take an individual from the surface level of a relationship with God into the deep depths of servant-hood and intimacy! As a person deep within the valley at the present moment, I can honestly say that if it brings me closer to Christ, if it brings me closer to healing, if it brings me closer to a deeper love for others and appreciation for who I am as an individual then I thank the Lord for this trial. I can assure you that if you serve God and you love God there will come a time in your life (many times) where He will prod you to a deeper level of intimacy will Him. When He does invite you to a deeper level, there always comes a new level of suffering, healing, or trial. It is because when we draw closer to God, we must shed another layer of facade that we hide behind.

Let me be real so that a person that is facing a time of healing understands what comes with healing. When they pray that prayer, they are praying for long trials (months/years) of emotional pain, they are praying for times in which nothing will keep a person going except the hope and trust that Christ will pull them through. They are praying for a time of extreme loneliness in which the only person that will be there to hold them up will be God, and no other relationship would seem to fulfill on the level that God could. It means that there will be times where they will cry out in intense pain and ask why they were experiencing such pain! The big question, "Why?! What is the purpose of this?!" will seem like the mantra of your existence. There will be the times (if completely honest) the spiritual attacks coupled with your valley experience will motivate yourself to ask, "What is the purpose of living anymore?" That question is not worth entertaining! There is always purpose! God has a plan for your life.

It seem only fair to express why the time of healing is good for you! Now that I have completely shattered your idea that times of healing are smooth and easy, but it is definitely worth it, and let me explain why.
It is worth it because when you overcome the pain and struggle and finally face those things that you had so craftily hid all your life, you will be a completely new and whole person through the works of the Holy Spirit. You will be a new creature! (2 Cor. 5:17)Your relationship with God will be undeniable! You will learn to never question His unconditional love! For the first time in your life, His love will be so real in every aspect of your life. It will also be displayed and acted out through your interpersonal walk with others! (Hebrew 10:24, James 1:12)Thirdly but definitely not the last reason why it is so worth it, is because, when you overcome this time of trial through healing you will be empowered to strengthen others who are still suffering. Our greatest weakness through Christ is our greatest strength! You are meant to love those in this world that are hurting! You are called to great ministries through Christ! But we each must first battle the things that we are afraid of.

I want to encourage you and call you to action in this matter! There are so many people that go their entire lives never having dealt with the pains of their past, and many others that then became the very things they hated, simply because they did not dare to face the things that caused them pain. We are so much stronger through Christ! His love and purpose's for us are so much higher than the "huge" mountain or giant that faces us now. I encourage you to let God lead you into a time of healing. Don't go seeking it, but when God calls you into a deeper place with Him, trust that all that He does is for your good. The Word says that He will never give you more than you can handle! (1 Cor. 10:13)So hold on and seek His face continually! if anyone believes in you and desires the very best in you in all things it is our Creator! He has plans for you beyond your imaginings but you must first submit yourself, and trust His will completely and I can assure you that He will bring you out as a new person, whole and clean in His sight! (Romans 12:2)

Here are some scriptures that have been an encouragement through the dark times. Of course these are sections that have spoken to me personally. However, in your walk with Christ allow Him to minister to you as He would have to minister to you. That may be through different sections of the Bible. The main point is to let the Word be a light in the dark times, a weapon when spiritual attacks are prevalent, a hope when all things seem hopeless, and a means of ministering when you and God commune one on one!

Psalm 23, 25, 27, 34, 37, 38, 46, 51, 61, 91, 116, 121, 127, 143
The book of Romans, Hebrews, and the book of John.
Isaiah 40: 31 (Strength through God), 50:2, 52, 53 (The coming hope in Christ!), 55

The Call to Serve

I want to start this blog with a video. While you listen to this song, I want you to consider and reflect on one of two things. The first to reflect on is the severity of certain pains, hurts & stresses in your life. For many of you this aspect of reflection will not be difficult, and for others it may. We can all think of different difficulties that we each face from the day to day and then sometimes we can see even deeper within the dark crevices of our soul. When we come face to face with those kinds of pains many times we cannot fully face the reality of who we are. As a result, we yet again push those pains down to survive each day having never dealt with those deep issues within.

As you listen to this song ponder on these things, ask yourself, "Do I tackle these pains, stresses & frustrations alone or is God in the midst of my struggles?" This song has been on my heart so heavily these past couple weeks and I felt the need to share it, and also share how much it has affected my thinking. Enjoy the song and remember to reflect.



The second thing I would like you to reflect on is to consider those pains, stresses and sorrows that others in your life may be facing. The first aspect can be easier for you to ponder on; however, it is the second that should take time. Do you remember the look of emptiness, sadness, pain, tears upon a close ones face? What of the face of a stranger? Do you look into their eyes and truly see all that is there? Do we really take the time to see people? Can you think of all you have done to help, comfort, or serve others in their time of need?

There has never been a stronger pull for me to serve others than when I have suffered as I have. I realize that there are those in life that have faced very little in life. They have been exceedingly blessed with a life with little struggle; however, there are those that have faced heartache after heartache. So many lives that did not even survive infant-hood. this is the reality of the world that we live in. Does this make God inherently evil? Does this somehow make our Creator unjust? In all the pain, throughout all the unanswered questions spoken in the dark, the lonely tears that have stained your cheeks deep in the shadow of the night, it is in all those moments that God's greatest glory can be showcased. No God is not evil, and He is not unjust. We live in a fallen world, full of broken and hurting people.

I think I am coming to a realization that compassion is not birthed out of a vacuum. Perhaps compassion is the truest sense of knowing that despite the incredible cruelty in this world and even within ourselves, we learn to not obsess over the wretchedness of ourselves but rather turn and love (care) for those that are hurting as well. A large portion of sadness in Western society is the epidemic of loneliness. It runs rampant throughout the world but rather intensely in North America. A nation that has so much riches is so poverty stricken of intimacy and love. A people that has everything monetarily and starving in all things concerning the condition of a healthy and thriving heart. This statement, I know, is a blanket statement, but not at all far from the truth.

I believe there is a two step process of suffering that a person takes to becoming more compassionate concerning loving others as Christ has loved them.

1. The inward struggle: They struggle with the reality of their own pains and sufferings. The Lord reveals to them the reality that through persecution and pain obedience in Him can become a reality and His glory is ultimately displayed through the testimony that you as a believer hold. In this level the Christian can become very self focused. Much obsessive introspection can consume the believer; however, they must be mindful to remember that the trial that they are facing is not ultimately about them but rather the testimony that they will have. This testimony has a sole purpose of displaying the wonderful glory and power of God.

Even Christ learned obedience through suffering here on earth. Hebrews 5:8-9, states, "Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered. And being made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation to all that obey him." Suffering doesn't have to seem like a vain thing with no purpose. Suffering can and has been used throughout time and history as a means of pruning God's children. He desires to mature, and prepare us for a higher level of witness and ministry to the world.

2. The Outward Response: This compassion that wells up within the servants heart then begins to need release. This deep sense of gratitude that ultimately consumes your heart overflows with the knowledge that it was by Christ's lovingkindness, mercy and grace that you have even survived the time of suffering that you survived. It had nothing to do with how strong you were, or how great you are at persevering or digging your heals in and weathering the storm. No, it comes down to the simple fact that God's great mercies and love are what brought you through. Ultimately you wish to share that experience with those around you (or your should), and what was once an inward experience or transformation thus becomes an outward witness and testimony.

But here is the clincher. You cannot give up! Do not for one moment believe that your pains and suffering are in vain, because, they are not! Your life is special, it is unique and it has a very special purpose for this world! You are not in any way useless or worthless, and I can prove it! The Lord woke me up early.... early.... early this morning to remind me something that I can never forget ever again and it is in Psalm 139:13-14, "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." You are fearfully and wonderfully made! Imagine God using gentle fingers to form your existence in the womb... as small as each of us begin, and yet He formed each of us. Does that sound like a God that formed a life for a purposeless life? I think not! In the end that life is created for a unique purpose. Each of us is meant to share that beautiful testimony with those around us that have also forgotten that they too are called to sing a special song in life.

You are called to serve. Do you know how I know this? Because the hurting, when they overcome their trials are vessels by which God can reach those that are still hurting. This is because when you have overcome your trial, you are strengthened to the point that you transfer that testimony from the inward maturation to the outward ministry expression! The gospel is meant to be shared! It is not meant to be caged, silenced or hidden! We are the vessels by which that great work is spread! But we must accept the fact that we are called by His great name, that He inevitably gets all the glory (no matter the struggle), and that we are each wonderfully and fearfully made. Now lets go out and share this great news with those that don't yet realize what they are made of through Jesus Christ our Savior!

It may look bleak now, but realize that nothing worth having comes through the drive through window. Instant gratification is exactly what it sounds like... cheap. However, if you desire a life that is filled with love, peace, joy and kindness towards others, then be prepared to wait. Only time will be the factor between a life heated and burned in the microwave or gently baked in the hot heat of a furnace oven. Its not about time, it is about quality, but in the end I desire to hear my maker speak those beautiful words, "Well done thy good and faithful servant."

Dear Brokenhearted,

Joel David Holsinger - "Mount Calvary"

"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand."
-John 10:27-29 

You wait for a time where hope will be alive in you. You see the pain and the deep seeded shame in you. You wonder if you could ever feel normal again. Walking on seems useless and working has lost its value. Each day is a struggle to find purpose in little things.

Dear Brokenhearted, I know your thoughts in the night. Curling in the fetal position your emotions and thoughts begin to fight. Overwhelmed with sorrow and hopeless thoughts inside. Your dreams seem unfulfilled and the complex of failure alive. Darling I see your tears and I hear you sobs through the sky.

Dear Brokenhearted, your soul is still alive. You'll find strength every day from the Lord and you will be okay. And when you lose all your faith, just believe in His ways. The time will come when you will be strengthened. All the sorrow and the pain, doesn't make sense in the rain. But when the clouds clear the sky, the sun will seem so bright.

HOLD ON!!

Your life is in His hands. He cradles everything. His love is so deep!

Hold on... Hold on, I beg you.

Your life is of value. And you are beautiful. Don't think to believe that you are worth nothing. Jesus created you and He paid the full price to see you live in Him. His work on the cross is not in vain. He died for you, so that you wouldn't need to live in shame. The night seems dark in the present but the day will come when it isn't...so hold on.

Dear Brokenhearted, you sing a song alone. No hugs, no love from anyone. You suffer from the tears of loneliness. However, you are not alone. You will never be alone. Accept His love into your heart and the great gap will be filled. You are God's creation and all pains in Him is healed. He loves you so deeply.

You angrily ask why suffering must exist. Your tears seem red with anger and your thoughts can't comprehend. His ways are not our own and the evil in the world is not our home. The Lord is our Savior and He will bring us home. Cling to His promises that life anew with Him is worth it. He will not forsake you so hold on.

Darling, we may never understand, why the pain we feel hurts so bad. The times we suffer are the times we grow. The wilderness, the desert is the lowest of the lows. However, when the Lord is our Savior and we lean on His great strength, no amount of suffering could ever pull us away. The Good Lord, is still good even when we can't lift our face.The tears may still rain down, but it is safe in His hands. He sentimentally collects them and remembers all our woes. With great care and gentility He will hold us as we grow.

The Lord is all we need if we are willing to seek His face. The Lord our God and Savior believes in all we are. Hold on my darling. You will make it. His word is still and true. Hold on my darling. Hold on.

Sincerely,

Hope.

Sweet Dreams

I am wide awake and the twinkling lights in The black keep me company.
The fan beats me heavily with the wind that comes in through the window.
Perhaps this night could stay a bit longer.
I lay awake and deeply ponder.

I ponder life in the silence of my spinning ceiling fan.
The fan twirls its endless rhythm above me.
These thoughts are my own and I cannot silence them.
This is the loneliness in my soul.

Come hither, come thither it makes no difference.
My memories are painted a different color than yours.
Perhaps you see through touch and sight
But I see through the thoughts that my mind gives light.

"Wake her! Wake her!"
My mind says constantly in my dreams.
I lay awake at night wondering what these dreams mean.
Could they have purpose or are they cached emotions and fears?
I cannot tell the difference and it burdens my wearied shoulders.

Wide awake, my fan spins and the window brings in the cold breeze.
But in my thoughts a prayer begins and falls upon my lips.
They move in surrender this trust I never had before.
"Lord, keep me. I surrender all my hopes and dreams."

Slumber. Sweet slumber slowly lulls me to the deep. Where even the twinkling lights in the black canvas cannot find me in the night.

Purpose, Hope & Writer's Block

I have pretty intense writer's block right now. In fact all that I can think about is the Chinese food I had for dinner, the carbohydrate content of my sweat tea, the boredom and loneliness that comes from being in my room all day and how easy it is to sleep your Friday afternoon away. Yep, that about covers the extent of my mental faculties at the present (except for a few undisclosed thoughts also swimming in my head).

As I sit on a hundred year old college mattress and contemplate what is running along the paths of my heart I feel drawn to the subject of purpose and hope . . . or hope and purpose. The order really is not important. Or is it? However, as much as these delicate and wonderfully boundless terms for conversation start to roll around in my head; I continue to scan my Facebook page, take another bite of Chinese food, and sigh discontentedly at the state of my room. I need to put my clothes away...

What is my purpose? Will I ignorantly decide something and all of a sudden fall into a black pit of horrid destiny? I made my bed I suppose, now i must lie in it, or lay in it. I'm not sure which one is correct. Which one sounds cooler. Oh well. Yet I know that life has its moments of ups and downs. The downs these days seem to drain me of my energy but I find myself thinking of the endless possibilities that tomorrow holds. Tomorrow would be a great day for me to buy a Starbucks, go on a walk in the woods and breath in the fresh smell of earth. Perhaps I could go on an adventure to Goodwill and buy a random picture frame or knickknack. Tomorrow is another day I will wake up after another night of dreams that seem to be filled with more emotion than motion.

Faces roll in my minds eyes and I feel. I feel over and over and even as I wake I feel the emotions roll over me like a wave. I ask myself every morning, what is the purpose of this? Am I growing? Am I meant to feel this way? I suppose I am. I sigh deeply and the room instantly seem to get a bit more heated than it was five minutes prior. Perhaps I should turn the fan up and ask God why this school is so opposed to air conditioners.

Yet I dream of better days where after much pain I feel content and happy. I hope and dream of days where many of my goals are a reality not just a distant blimp in life. My heart seems to have grown so big and then it deflated... somewhere. I am not sure where it is. It only seems natural to feel a bit apprehensive about its sorry state. I went looking for it but all I feel are what is left of it. Its memories roll around over and over like a re-run. It no longer holds the excitement it once held.

My soul gently soothes me saying, be still. You are safe. Perhaps my purpose is to love even when I feel so completely unloved. Perhaps my purpose is to look at life from a perspective of hope that though today's Chinese is cold and tomorrow seems like another day of afternoon napping; one day I will wake up, sigh a bit happier and realize that I am better because of it.

My life may not be extravagant or exciting but it is full of color. Splashes of pinks, blues and oranges fill in the spaces of my solitude and I realize that purpose and hope are what keep me going even when I ache so internally. This time alone with God only seems to be a time that we would call a long intimate walk as lovers do by the beach. Perhaps I should start to enjoy the sand between my toes and soft gentle breeze that caresses my cheek. It is in these times where love, His love seems so very real and intimately deep.

My purpose, your purpose is to love even in the times you feel alone the most. Love is the highest calling. Slow down, take a deep breath, eat some Chinese food and reflect on God's good mercies that are so utterly undeserved and love. Love will all you have just as God has loved you. These times will pass. The walks we have together create the most beautiful and cherished memories. Do not be anxious for tomorrow. Just wait in Him. As you call on His name; realize that the tears may come but in His presence that is the safest place to be.

"The Lord is your keeper: The Lord is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day nor the moon by night
The Lord will keep you from all evil; He will keep your life.
The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore."
-Psalm 121:5-8

A Lightning Storm & A Promise

I always take the window seat when I fly, because I have an intense fear of heights (among other nonessential phobias). As a result of this fear I force myself to fly window so that I can see where I am. When the plane takes off and you feel the wheels touch off the ground there is this strong sense of limbo and insecurity that courses through my veins perhaps even a small dosage of adrenaline. However, it is not until the plane is in the air and it is about the time that you can turn your electronics back on for the wifi that you have to pay $4.99 for! This of course is ridiculous, but I digress. It is only then when I look out the window and all the world looks like little specks. Houses and fields and cars seem like sand resting on the shores of a vast and endless beach that I get an overwhelming sense that I could die. . . yes and this is why I always sit by the window. Without fail I always picture myself on flight 815 and the plane has broken in two and I am crash landing on an island with Psychos and time warps and stuff... I see myself and the plane plummeting to the earth, fast and heavy and I imagine my stomach pressing against my lungs with so much pressure likened to the feeling one gets when they ride the tower of doom at Six Flags. Morbid? Yeah it may be but that is what I think . . . every single time. Don't get me started on snow and highways because I am definitely not thinking of hot chocolate and a warm fire place when I think of winter. Jus' sayin.

Anyway, as i watch the tiny sand specks from the sky I realize that I have flown a plane a lot and not once did I die. In fact the statistical likelihood is very low. I remind myself of these two factors and I cannot say that I feel instant peace about the apprehension I feel at being so high from touchable ground but I do feel a sense that I have done this before and Lord willing I will touch ground once again. This calm that comes over is kind of like the feeling an individual gets when they think of a promise, but not just any promise but the Lord's promises. I have two promises that I would like to present.

1. Promises of His Word
2. Personal promises that He has made with you

Personally I now enjoy watching the earth from the sky. There is something so humbling watching little cars in the distance drive so slowly. Millions of cars driving simultaneously and all of a sudden your perspective changes. You start seeing everything all at once. Nothing was as captivating as the last time I flew which was about three weeks ago. It was a late flight and as usual you couldn't really see anything out the window unless you passed a city. but once the plane turned, a huge and gorgeous round moon planted itself in plain view of my window and its light illuminated the sky and even the rivers beneath glistened and seemed to move as the light from the moon moved across the water. It truly was captivating. However, the moment that simply took my breath away was an hour of watching multiple lightning storms from above the clouds.

When you are home and firmly planted in your bed for the night and a lightning storms hits and thunder booms the earth. You slowly begin to count the seconds in between to see how many miles away it is, the storm seems overwhelming and right on top of you no matter how many miles away it is. In that moment the storm is all you see. You can't sleep because of the light and the noise and all peace is blocked out by all the commotion. The storm is all you see.

But in the sky as I flew above the clouds I saw many storms. I saw a mighty powerful one to the left and I saw a smaller one to the right and a third right in the center of my window and all three though they were happening at the same time where in completely different places and the lightning would light up different parts of the sky at different times. the lightning was not in tune. As I watched these storms I thought of God and how big He is, and then I thought of me and how small I am. I am just another speck on the beaches of life, and as I watched I heard God speak into my heart, "I see all things all at once." The reality is that I am the small speck that feels so overwhelmed and scared from the storm that is raging in my life but I have to remember that God is flying in the sky and He sees all things all at once!

Now this brings  me back to God's promises. Whether you read God's word and see His promises or you have a personal promise He has given you, I want to encourage you today to remember that no matter what storm may be raging in your life. No matter how many nights you have laid awake because the thunder would not let your mind rest that God is in the sky and He sees all things at once. He has not forgotten you and He definitely has not forgotten His promises. When He says trust me and hold on then no matter how long it takes you hold on! Many times holding onto a promise is not and cannot be about how you feel. It has to be about what you know to be true and a faith that even though you cannot see that promise bear fruit yet, there is a belief that it i will. Trusting God is one of the most challenging things in life. It is easy to trust God when everything is going right but it is when you have hit rock bottom and all you love and hold dear seems lost. Your heart is bruised and your stamina is weakened. You wonder if you should even take another step or retreat and go back to a place of safety and comfort that a promise (especially a promise given by God) is far more valuable that the weight of gold. it is in those moments when all seems lost that the hope of a promise given is what gives you the strength to persevere and hold on. So please I encourage whoever is reading my "blahness" to just keep holding on! You will make it! Because from where I was sitting while watching the storms i knew everything was going to be okay, just as God has promised you the same.

Touching Skin

I'm touching skin.

I'm touching life.

This bed of grass tingles my outsides.

My fingers graze the tops,

as the breeze blows every which way.

I'm touching skin.

I'm touching life.

I'm touching the delicate wings of a butterfly.

It moves to the sway of life,

as the sounds of life teach it to dance.

I'm touching skin.

I'm touching life.

I'm holding your hand in the night.

It squeezes mine tighter when I lose faith,

as the sounds of life seem to scream and complain.

I'm touching skin.

I'm touching life.

The outside seems warm but the inside stays silent.

I'm touching skin.

I'm touching life.

It's all I feel.

the inside seems to leave me feeling empty.

The inside. Is it even real?

I'm touching skin.

I'm touching life.

My only desire is to touch the soul.

the soul.

the soul.

I'm touching skin.

I'm touching life.

I'm touching skin.

I'm touching life.

The Cross

His nail scarred hands warmed this heart of stone
Brick by brick, He brought it down;
Until all the walls I had built came humbly to the ground.

Fearfully I huddled beneath the cold of my fortress
But His nail scarred hands gently brought me to His strong fortress.

The Lord, my strong tower,
Freed me from the coldness and cleansed my wounds in living water.

Bathed in new life and aflame with divine purpose;
His nail scarred hands healed what I thought would always be broken.

He said, "My dear, come near and see.
These hands, these scars; they are the remedy."
The blood was paid on the cross that day
Now boldly claim your freedom in that mighty name!
In Jesus name!

"My burden is light and my yoke is easy.
My message sings Freedom and my gospel is mighty!"

His nail scarred hands led me to the cross.
There as the earth trembled and the veil was torn;
I laid down my burdens and began life fresh and with new purpose.

The Lord is my strength with His strong arm.
He is the maker and ender of life.
He is my brick maker, my soul molder, and my breath giver.
He is my all in all.

On my knees, as I lay down all my dreams, I see a bright future full of hopeful possibilities.
As His nail scarred hands reach out for mine;
I grab hold of it with all my might.

I am clinging to His promises.
I am a child made new.
Bravely with faith, I take my first step into this new life.

This new life created from the blood of the lamb; spilt on that day.
Spilt to give me freedom in that mighty, mighty name!

An open Letter to my Father

Dear Lord,

Can I be real for a moment? Can I tell you how I feel?
Your word says you know my every thought (Job 42:2)
You know my every need before I ask it. (Matt. 6:8)
So I pray a letter to tell you how I feel, praying that your comfort
will begin to overwhelm. Because the truth is,

I feel like crying most days, and sometimes I feel hopelessly lost.
People tell me I am strong but the truth is that they are wrong (Psalm 38:9-10)
I have nightmares, and anxiety and I worry about what I can't control
But your word says worry for nothing, because we have Your perfect love.
I get insecure and feel down when the world takes its full toll
But your word says that trials will fall on the unjust and the just! (Matt 5:45)

Sometimes, I cry and sometimes I get mad (Psalm 69:3)
When the day is over, for hours I will just lay in my bed (Psalm 6:6)
I Wonder about life and if tomorrow I will grow weary just the same.
But your word promises strength to those who lean upon your wonderful name! (Isaiah 40:30-31)
but then I get up in the morning and decide that it is worth it
You never promised a perfect life, but You promised your perfect peace. (Psalm 29:11)

Lord sometimes I lose my faith and question your every move
But I know that in your word, faith is when I can't see those things of which I hope (Heb. 11:1)
I ask you why I feel such pain and I why I work so hard for pennies (Luke 12:28)
For weeks you may be quiet and all I will have is your Word to guide me (Psalm 119:105)
But I will be so busy and i feel week from the lack of your light.

Jesus, I know you are with me always
but many days I feel like I have failed (Psalm 38:3)
and though I try to behave my spirit gets rebellious and runs away
I tell myself that I am just human but I know its because I haven't sought you lately.

Jesus my God, you sought me from the beginning
If only I took the time to just sit and rest in your presence (Psalm 23:2)
I know I would have better days where I am lead in righteousness. (Psalm 23:3)

i look into your bible and realize that you promise me provision! (Matthew 6:25-34)
It isn't even an issue for you to supply  my every need.
here I am worrying if tomorrow I will have gas (Php 4:19)
Worrying if the bills will get paid a whole year in advance . . .

Lord, you are the Maker, you gave breath to my lungs
Clearly I need to re-evaluate the power of your strong arm! (Isaiah 40:10)
that I so blatantly cannot perceive when I let my spirit grow glum.

Lord, you are the maker, the heavens is your throne (Isaiah 66:1)
here on earth, on the footstool of the universe I pray you will continue to bless my home
Lord, my God, Creator of all the known and unknown (Genesis 2:4)
I pray you give me strength & faith to Worship and follow you for the rest of my days! (Psalm 29:2)

Make me whole by making me holy! (Romans 5:19)
Let all I desire be in your will!
For your names sake I pray I can proclaim, the gospel you've given on that precious day
Christ, my redeemer, who redeemed me from my sin (Galations 3:13)
Through your blood, His wrath was satisfied and I am made righteous in His eyes! (Romans 3:25)
Glory to the Father who sits on High, may I always remember I'm His child
and through Him I have eternal life!

By the Moor

How do I know that I know what I know?

This knowledge that I cherish without any factual flow.

It was all in the heart with each moment that has passed.

This knowing I hold even when I doubt it to the last.

It's the knowledge, the logic without the emotional inconsistency.

I ask myself and see myself responding to its continuous elasticity.

I know it to be true because even away from you I knew.

I know it to be true because when I am with you I can see it too.

All the stars, the galaxies, the suns both near and far;

and even close to home, I float in ecstasy on the moon by the moor.

I know it to be true because so many irrational insecurities take flight.

Like flocks of birds, my very body fought it out of habit but my soul was made right.

From the first time that you smiled, the knowing was truly there.

But not all suns where first breathed into existence in mid air.

They come and go at their own pace and my knowing came the same.

It came without a single trace of tangibility or flame.

I know it like I know myself which isn't very well.

But inside all your loving acts I see the wonderfully curving trail.

With each twist & turn, I see every aspect and my heart falls for it day by day

Like a flower bursting through the ground;

once only having just been a seed.

I know because the seed that burst, like new birth in the dark

became a thing of glorious beauty when it lifted high up to the stars.

Love. This love. This love I can't deny.

It is a knowing in itself; a love I could never say goodbye to

This love is deep and fulfilling and through our God is made complete.

This knowing is more than just us two, it involves the greatest love we see,

or sometimes don't see, but undeniably believe.

Love so deep and wide and thick that oceans could never hide it.

With one sigh by our Creator all truth would be laid bare before it.

This truth that I know without a doubt that leaves my heart secure.

I know, what I know and I don't know how.

But knowing is enough to keep me going somehow.

I pray everyday for blessings that have blossomed.

Blossomed with vibrant passion and poignant shy abandon.

I know this to be true because my heart warms like the younger suns.

The sun that is hot with youth as it radiates its love.

It is love like the Creator who created all that is seen.

Creating all the knowing that I know inside me.

I know, I know, I dare you to try to know.

This knowing isn't for the faint of heart it demands that you grow!

It challenges your life to go to the extreme and change yourself for the better.

Even if the better is a greater & painful pursuit of a life captivated by truth.

It changes your expectations, and sometimes your misinterpretations;

that then are placed on a shelf . . . yes a shelf, a dusty & old shelf.

This shelf of life that is on hold, not forever but for a better of your home.

We know that life is the yes & the no's but we want all the yes's without the no's.

But the no's are what strengthen you for the knowing in your soul.

This is a battle of the heart, the mind and the soul that hangs open like a gaping hole.

you kept it locked up for so long without change,

and still it waited to be hated, to be loved, and then to be hated again.

It has been used and abused. Yes, used and abused.

But in end when the stars are still there; the moon is by the moor.

It leaves your soul out to bare, and begging for more.

Your pride is hanging on a thread from the fishhook in the sky.

The knowing is still present and that knowing will never hide.

It will give you strength on the morrow to face another sun that

is shining so bright in its youth, your knowing you won't deny! 

And his advances of love, blushingly make you shy. 

I Need A Savior

Please don't pull away!
I beg you please!
It's me that is broken, not you my darling!

How could I say this?
You aren't my lover?!
You are only a reflection of the inward monster . . .

The inward monster?
Does it mean to destroy?
Does it mean to tear a part all the things that give you joy?

Yes! Yes!
It does, I can feel it!
Save me from myself,
I can hardly, I can hardly handle it.

But is the damage done?
Is there hope that can be found?
Or has the monster rampaged
and already torn apart your would be home?

No, there is hope.
She is safe in the distance.
I dare not speak of where she is preciously hidden.

Hidden you say?
Like a jewel, like a precious stone?

Yes, yes, the metal is precious in itself by her home.

Bring her to me, she is safe in my arms.
the mountains are strong, but my darling I am your God.

I dare not come out!
Don't make me reveal!
These rags are dirty and my heart I cannot feel.

I hear them whisper.
They whisper their nasty thoughts!
I promise it is not my own.
I dread them and wish them to be gone!

Heal me, Heal me!
I beg you please.
Take away this brokenness that constantly hurts me.

Peace be still.
Peace is kind.
As I whisper love into your life.
Hear the gentle sound of a loving and content mind.

Quiet. Quiet.
All is well.
I whisper in the wind
My divine will.

Everything is quieter
and love you can finally comprehend.
Bring her to me
and I promise you will be whole again.

Paper & Pen

Please save me words; my thoughts.

Confusion. confusion. confusion...

It's out of control. I have lost all sense of up and down, 

and sickly I spin round and round.

Please save me pen; on this paper you fall.

Like dread on a gavel as it confesses the law.

I wait for the sound when wood meets wood

but inside I already know the verdict as I should.

I'm broken in shreds and torn from within.

Like paper mache the pieces glued in rends.

But pieces they remain to be used and beaten.

These insides of mine have slowly been eaten.

With the acid I feel dread in my limbs.

It is playing its music through the strings of my veins.

Every aspect of my body can feel the force of it

as the answer I know runs its course within it.

Baby you ask what this thing is that I feel?

The fear in my heart that doesn't seem quite real

You ask me to tell the truth but its me I can't handle.

I lie to myself with the seconds that follow.

Meet me here, where I am, lying in my sin.

I am lying in the shame of life that kept me warm within.

The blanket has been torn back and naked is all I see.

White flesh pale in the stars

and the moon stands silent in angry freeze.

The truth? The Truth?! 

You beg me for the truth?!

Please don't make me utter what I fear I see in you!

The truth? The truth?!

The bitter ends truth?!

Don't ask me to sputter what I don't dare say to you!

I begged. I begged!

I begged on my knees. . . 

They scraped, fell raw and in pain I lay wondering.

I dare not get up, I don't deserve the honor.

But here I am in a bed of petals, lace and flowers.

warm sunlight. Sun rays are on my skin.

A soothing passion in the air, its forgiving and quite unfair.

This life that we live. . . 

This life that we breathe. . . 

We only have one chance

but if I die and fate asks me;

I'll say I wasn't given a chance to meet the sunrise

and life silently ended me before I given my sight. 

Little Darling & The Turtle

In the silence of intermissions we find the true character of what it means to wait. Patience is a valuable virtue that no one has the time to cultivate. What a paradox I am faced with that I cannot seem to pace myself enough to breathe. They come in jagged edges, stripping my sanity of all its smooth texture. I lose the race to the slow and gentle turtle.
Does it make sense that this love should both hurt and give such fulfillment all at the same time? Should true love bring tears to the eyes? Does it have that right? Is it the only kind that could justify such a reaction? of the brutal stranger, his rape upon my sensibilities is something to be expected but the gentle hand of a lover, this is something completely unexpected. Yet, why? Why do we place his soft whispers in such high regard? It's high regard cushioned with complete trust, leaves the heart vulnerable and bare. Mine encased and warm with life's rhythm is beating faster to the sound of what seems to be impatience and sadness. . . sadness that cannot be explained
Can a mother explain the empty feeling that aches in her arms when her child has left the home? Can a father explain the aching regard he is faced with when he places his daughter's hand in the palm of another man? No this ache is normal because it encourages growth. Life itself demands fluid movement. Our hearts are no different. This fluid pattern that beats with each waking moment is a constant reminder of this. Yet we forget even as we forget the beat we drone out with other sounds that play in life.
There are the sounds of laughter, and tears, the sound of life and innate anxiety and fears, the sounds of car horns and cash registers and the sounds of feet constantly moving on the warm, cold, freezing, and hot pavement.
Life is life, and all its sounds play and repeat in our ears.
Yet in the silence of intermission, we must wait. We have no choice but to wait for the seconds to slowly tick by. the moments drag on and we cannot force it to evolve into something it is not. No, intermissions are purposely meant to break between two events. this life intermission that is strategically placed between these two places causes great moments of immense inner turmoil. I cannot breathe and my mind runs in all directions. Like the rabbit, I run and run and yet I find it all to be in an endless circle. STOP!
I ask myself to sit and wait but my heart aches for something more. the soft pitter patter of feet run through my mind. Laughter, holding hands, a wedding band. . . and yet this intermission still ticks away leaving me feeling frayed. My hair is disheveled and my body exhausted. I curl up within and fall asleep to all the sounds that are playing in my life. All the loud noises that play over the small, quiet and still noises in my heart that say;
slow little darling, take one step at a time. The race is not truly a race if you never make it to the finish line. breathe little darling don't lose faith. The day will come when you will pass the line on by. It is only then you will wish that you had walked down the dusty spring road. You will realize you missed all the beautiful details along the way. Darling don't lose faith, in the sunset of our sorrows we see the most beautiful night sky and in the sleeping of our sorrows we can dream of an even more beautiful sunrise.
Sleep little darling, take rest in this thought, that the turtle may be slow but he was patient enough to see life and also win the fight.

Spring Cleaning

To say goodbye . . . 

in the place of what? in the place of I love you? in the place of I need you? In the place of your wants?

To say goodbye and to let go . . . 

In the place of holding on, in the place of clinging to the past, in the place of stubborn habits.

We lived for our own agenda, our own plans, our own walk in life.

To say goodbye is to truly love, and it is what it takes to truly care.

We practice loving, we practice caring but to practice goodbye seems taboo.

Why? isn't it a part of life? isn't it a major part of what it is to live, to grow and mature?

so why is it something we reject?

Why is it something that we fear? Rejection? Pain? Loss?

I have loved, and i have cared! 

I have clung to the past and through it hoped for a false future. 
An illusion. . . 

I have heard the words of reality ring through my ears so many times that tears were a waste of my much needed time.

You were a habit.

A habit that I held so dear that i became a victim of my own fantasies.

I lived in a dream of what life could have been instead of what it was.

To say goodbye is something i had never considered.

I was holding onto your memories & it seemed so natural. It only made sense to do so.

But who was it hurting? only me. . . You, unaware of my thoughts, my heart, lived on and dreamt of others.

A vicious cycle this love thing creates.

It seemed like a trap at times while it preyed on its naive and helpless victims. 

And in the end, time and pain seemed like a neighbor next to my hopelessly broken heart. 

To say goodbye . . . In the place of what? the hope for a better tomorrow?

This is potential that is birthed out of the shed skin of my yesterdays.

Loving you beyond what I had deemed my love to be from the past. 

Say goodbye? . . .yes I must, it is the only way in which I can breathe!

It is the only way I will breathe in the fresh scent of spring.

the dusty curtains of aged pain and regrets no longer cling to my mind.

To say goodbye . . . It is the only way to give you a chance to heal.

I desire for you to live, to laugh and to love even if that meant I couldn't share those moments with you.

Saying goodbye was a cut of the soul but a necessary cut on a cancerous cell that viciously grew.

To say goodbye . . . Honey I did it . . . I did it not only for me but for you. 

A Lovely Pondering

I am a fool for love . . . yes I have tasted of its sweetness.

I ask myself how I could endeavor to adequately define its fathomless character...

My mind runs in circles pondering its personality.

I find myself in want for definite resolution; and yet, empty handed I stand with no solutions.

Yes, I am a fool for love . . . A fool so easily committed.

In my heart is hidden, such desires as not to be bridled.

We have jumped over the broom with joyous determination.

I suppose in our hearts we see a future full of possibility and I agree the stars are unlimited.

Look at them! count as you may; you will never know the number!

Must we grasp for what few straws fly in the wind? 

Cut them near the ground and take hold of them by the handfuls!

Yes, we are fools in love . . . I daresay we are rather ambitious.

Forgive my indelicacies. I realize my brash confession may not be refined.

But I must beg pardon for the passion I feel and I ponder the love that seems so surreal.

I am a fool for love . . . Its true, I cannot deny its reality.

I live in this world that seems like a dream when I am next to you.

Though try as I might I cannot define this affection.

I feel its definition in the deepest aspects of my delicate soul.

How can I hope to convey this strange addiction?

May I call it an affliction?

Truly it must be an admission of a decision,

and altogether it becomes a commitment.

I am a fool for love . . . unsure of the road that lies ahead.

I beg the future to crack open its door so that I may peak but a tiny view.

Alas, I am contented with the blind mans view.

I should be persuaded to forgive the laws of nature for its impertinence.

But I cannot . . .

for surely nature itself cannot stop this undefinable aberration. 

I am a fool for love . . . I am content with just a dance.

Quality time. Forgiveness when you don't deserve it. Care when it is most needed.

Warmth when you are chilled. A partner when you are loneliest.

love is only lonely if it has no one to share its ambiguity with.

Two souls must come to a mutual consensus.

Forsaking all preconceptions of what they think it is.

Clinging to the reality that once it is shared they could never truly take such a gift back.

Love is a gift of the most intimate nature.

Yes, I am a fool for love...

I feel its warmth in my heart in the most wonderful ways.

I may not be able to define it as Miriam or Webster would so desire.

But can such a summation adequately describe such grandeur?

No . . . no fool would try to bribe such a beauty from its power.

A woman knows, such as a man does know if its heart has been deceived.

Love cannot be deceived or deceive. . . it knows only truth.

Let the world tell its lies! I know in your eyes all the world is brighter when seen through you.  

I am a fool for love . . . this is all I can say in light of the matter.

I have tried and failed to devise a description.

Every single notion has been for only commotion.

My heart is settled in the matter.

I am a fool for love . . . . My Darling I am in love with you.

It is as you well know a master of all my will power.

I desire nothing more than to share this quaint mystery with you.

Maybe together Miriam & Webster may one day have their answer.

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

-1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Comfort

Time slowly ticked on by; as the music in the background played. The moment slowed and I begged to see with all that I knew to see. I slowly lifted my hand to take the glasses off your face.Once free from the lenses I saw your eyes; those beautiful soft jewels.Gentle and soft they spoke so many thoughts to my soul.
It felt like a warm spring morning. I could feel myself waking up in the warmth of its sunshine.

looking up into your face I felt safe from all the uncertainties. Your smile became a safe haven. I stood with my back resting up against the wall, and as you spoke I just watched. I heard the words you spoke, but was captivated by the movement of your lips. I saw your vulnerable eyes whisper words to me that only I could understand. Then in the silence of this precious moment a memory came to me. I raced back in time and relived the delicate moment.

The burrito was completely consumed, the drink drank up to the last drop. The business of the restaurant became a faint hum in the background. We sat at the booth, both silent and taking turns sharing fears and anxieties. Tears in my eyes, anxiety heavy upon my chest, and uncertainty all about my burdened mind, I look up into your face where I see the warmest, most loving face I ever had the privilege of loving, and I said, "Why do you put up with me?" As if it made perfect and logical sense; with a shrug of the shoulders he replies; "Because I love you. I think I was always meant to love you."

Like a time machine my mind comes back to my body. I felt warm and soft, as if I was cocooned beneath the heavy layers of a comforter on a chilly morn. With the warm sun rays shining through the window, I reluctant to step out from under the warmth, lay under the covers a little longer just to enjoy its coziness. Just as my mind lingers on the warm memory I had just traveled back from.

Looking into those eyes I see windows to a mysterious world of comfort. I see a safe haven. Yes baby, I guess you were always meant to love me. I caress your face and pull you close. I realize as your scruff tickles my skin that you loving me makes me feel so complete. No, I may not understand most of anything concerning tomorrow, but as for tonight I feel deeply loved. I think for now its enough for me.