In the Life of A College Student

The library smells of seasoned books.
Parchment like wine, aging at its finest
as i take in a deep breath and allow the dust and ink smells to fill my lungs
i feel motivated enough to cross to the other end of the building to search keywords on the decrepit old sand man computer for my final exam
its a take home exam in which i need to answer 3 questions and answer a fourth one for extra credit
with books spilled all about me on a flat desk with no foot rest i set out to write my final exam
hours pass as i have my nose in book after book
i sit with my back arched forward in a red patterned desk chair that i am sure my grandparents used for house decorations
I continued looking up references, quotes and pertinent information for my four topics
I yawn every couple hours, and rub my itchy eyes and continue on
with my earphones in i smile every once in a while as a good tune sings to my soul
friends will randomly laugh at me as i realize i am humming a tune out loud while bobbing my head to the beat
it is in that moment that i realize that i am humming and bobbing that i turn a rosy cheeked blush and laugh embarrassingly
i then proceed to apologize for getting carried away and continue with my studies.
with my nose yet again in a book
i grab a chocolate bar from Christmas that i tear open and enjoy as i read about the Godhead and youth ministries
another couple hours pass and i have ashamedly eaten 3 bars of chocolate and listened to at least 20 to 30 Kpop songs on my itunes.
3 questions for my final are complete and i wonder if it would be worth it to do the extra credit
i battle within feeling a deep sense of natural and genetic laziness and lack of motivation
as i battle within with my sense of responsibility and my natural tendencies to do as little as possible
my responsibility wins over and i grab another stack of books and trudges forward with continued fortitude
the kpop continues and the humming of my voice like a lilt plays on
i feel more and more drawn to distractions such as my email and youtube but I temper the temptations and conclude the final question.
i then stare at my final feeling extremely insecure, wondering if it will be enough
i want to feel confident
and as i tie up all the last points and go to turn it in i feel a deep sense of panic
i take a deep breath and hear Rafael say that i did a good job
i smile and press the send button in the final exam drop box
I go to eat dinner feel scared for my life
i go to the gym to let out some steam, run a mile, walk half of another mile, bicycle four a half miles and run up the stairs for a few minutes
i then head home
hours have passed and then a reply comes
i fearfully let out a little girly squeak
i squelch the desire to scream and press the open button
Once it is downloaded i open the page and scroll down scared of what i will see
taking my time to read each note in which as usual i find him to be extremely critical and difficult as most professors are
and then i have reached the end of the paper and i see my grade
THANK GOD i did the extra credit i got an 81!!!
i feel such a let down
all that hard work! for what?
well anyway that is my story.
such is the life of a college student

The Yellow Umbrella

(Painting by: Ken Valastro)

He asked while quietly pondering, "Is love lost eternally if it was only alive for a time?"
Personally i see rejection as painful, and in many cases there really is no true survival of it, because in many ways a piece of the heart dies from it.
But the deepest rejection is not the kind that falls from his lovers lips and it's not even the shove or push away in a bout of anger or pain.
No i believe that the most painful rejection is the kind that life gives. Because it is the circumstances of life that play a part in whether your love will flourish or your love will die.
In one moment all the earth will be blooming with spring in congratulatory celebration of your new found love.
The sun would shine bright and even the rain sounded soft and peaceful in its melody as it fell to the earth in sweet surrender.
The smell of earth overtook your senses as it wafted through the grass and dirt into the breezy sky
You don't notice the lightning or even hear the thunder because it was such a beautiful spring
the birds were out and you were joyously happy
For the first time, this new found love could not be contained and as a couple you were truly happy.
But then in a blink of an eye life decided to change its mood. its desire was to tear you apart. and so the storms really bore down and circumstance decided to play its cruel intentions and manipulations upon the loving duo.
and like a disease, it set things into motion.
the love though not dead had surely been torn asunder
what can you do when life itself rejects your happiness?
All you can truly do is get angry, but in the end that anger is no justification for your being wronged.
through it you can never truly find retribution.
No, that kind of rejection leaves you feeling empty and barren
Because what was once a garden flourishing with color and vibrancy
Through the years has slowly turned into a forsaken graveyard of memories.
They are cherished deeply but still to painful to keep up and so on the wayside of your mind it remains
and on the wayside they slowly began to fade
years passed and her presence was missed.
regrets no longer steal his peace in the night, yet insomnia still remains his friend
she whom he loved still gone, separated by time and space
He slowly comes back to reality and away from his far away state
After being still in one position for so long
with his aged back, he rises stiffly
suppressing the long and aching memories of the past from his mind by taking a deep breath of air into his raspy lungs
stashing them away in his heart he headed for the door with his briefcase in his hand and an umbrella ready
and just as he expected the millions of springs from the past poured down on him as the drizzling shower started to come down on his yellow umbrella
with a heavy heart he headed home
this spring was no different... just like every spring since his love he continually remembered her.
The weather was perfect for their melancholy mood, with the grey backdrop and drizzling rain
The city was slow and the cars were constant
He headed for the crosswalk to cross the street
unknowingly she walked in his direction parallel to where he walked
within seconds they would meet at the crossroads
and as the light turned green they would cross the crosswalk and head directly into each other
moments passed as the cosmos allowed another reunion,
the faint steps of their shoes hitting cement meant nothing to them as they continued on
Because it had been so long, their bodies were no longer young
they did not recognize each other
yellow umbrella faced yellow umbrella
like strangers in both heart and body they pass without knowing each other
even the grazing contact of their shoulders in passing was not enough to awaken what once was
1 second, 2 seconds, 3 seconds pass and a memory blooms out of the ever decayed and forsaken moments kept deep and away in his mind
was it her scent? Her eyes? her smile? the way she walked? or simply the reality of what once was intermingling with the present reality with factors of circumstance?
Is he ever able to forget her? Is he even allowed to?
The skin may age but the heart has no limit on time when concerning its love for another
His punishment in life is holding her only in his memory and keeping it alive forever.
Without the warm touch the memory may turn cold and what warmth can come from "What if's?" or "What may have been's?"
But regardless of his punishment, he knew her
Turning quickly to catch another glance
the rain poured down with heavy abandon and in dismal solitude he searched for her yellow umbrella only to find a moment in life forever gone
and with the rain all hope of seeing her washed away as he slowly made his way home
Love
Can love and happy endings truly be worth cherishing if it was only for a time?
was that love in vain?
He asks himself this question everyday
and yet deep within his soul he still holds her dear to his heart
loving and cherishing her memory until the day he passes from this life

What Is Love

This song transcended language and spoke to me. I didn't know the lyrics yet and i knew it was a love letter. Now that i have looked it up, i was right :) Enjoy.

Exo-k - what is love english translation lyrics

Girl, i can't explain what i feel. Oh baby my baby, baby, baby, baby.. Yeah.

Making a day feel like a minute
with you, i’m the main character of a movie
as if i’m about to film an action scene to come see you, as if i’ve become a hero

You’re perfect to me, i imagined
how would it be if we were together? If only you say okay, everything is perfect, oh baby

*i lost my mind, the moment i saw you
except you, everything get in slow montion
tell me, if this is love
sharing and learning countless emotions everyday with you
fighting, crying and hugging
tell me, if this is love

All the guys in the world are jealous of me
they must be jealous to death of me, for having you
even after the sun goes down and moon goes down, it will never change
you will find out that i’m a guy whom you can trust

I don’t know why, this unconditional emotion
did i ever imagine? Next to me, you shine more brightly as i become a better guy

*repeat

If you wish and wish earnestly
will it come true, like the fairytales? A never-ending happy ending, happily ever after
i will trust you, protect you and comfort you
i will be on your side
i will never leave your side

*repeat

All the guys in the world are jealous of me
they must be jealous to death of me, for having you
my babe, baby babe, baby baby
i can tell, this is love
i will make you smile often like a child
i will make you feel the most comfortable, like a friend
my babe, baby babe, baby baby
tell me, what is love

Over a bowl of Wonton Soup

The restaurant was reletatively slow on this sunday afternoon.
Customers trickled in and out at a snails pace.
I sat at the table that i felt most comfortable at.
I could hear the grandmother in the back sitting with the youngest daughter of the owners.
She was always in a bouncer with wheels.
and so as you ate, you would find a 12 month old baby scooting around the room on her bouncy
she is adorably chunky and active, and amazingly outspoken for her age
There is always something so adorable about the pink blush that graces an infants face when they are happy
it ultimately warms your heart and makes you in turn happy
the two oldest daughters are bilingual and always eating chinese noodles at a nearby table
I must have a knack for coming during their dinner time
and the mother and father (the owners) are quite blunt yet gentle in their demeanor
They remind me of my hispanic family :) "lovingly honest"
however this day I brought a friend with me, to my "comfort" restaurant
and on this day, I also shared a secret with my friend.
As the chinese language flew back and forth in the restaurant, and the little girls giggled and laughed as they played with their noodles
I said to my friend, over a bowl of wonton soup,
"I love to come here, because the noise brings me comfort." For some reason i do enjoy the family noise. as the husband looks over a map and the wife takes orders from the front. the grandmother cuddles the infant and the little daughters read books or run in and outside constantly i feel comforted because in a small way i feel apart
the truth is that i am just a customer, but for that small time that i eat, I am apart of their world
However, when dinner is done and i ask for a bag to take my left over's home, it always has to come to an end.
when i walk out the door to leave i am no longer a part of that close knit world
when i get home i can no longer hear the girls giggles, or the sound of the infants scooter, i can't even hear the owner's foreign language sing in the air.
In the end all I have are memories of a family that once a week gives me comfort just by being themselves
What is it about their presence that gives me peace?
I don't know, but when I am with them I don't feel so alone
I feel a bit better about where I am.
I know some single people don't like to go out eating by themselves, but the truth is that I love it
I love to sit alone in little hole in the wall restaurants (whether that be chinese, korean, mexican, jamaican, or African) because it is in those restaurants that i feel the most apart.
I feel for that small amount of time that I am not alone.
and over time if i visit the restaurant enough i do get the privilege of becoming a part of their community.
For instance in Colorado Springs there is a restaurant named, Jade Dragon, and the owner's name is Golden.
I miss him a lot these days. he always made me feel like a valued customer, but even more than that over time i felt like a valued friend of his.
Its people like this that i love.
it reminds me that even though i am alone, when i want good food by good people, for that hour at least i am not so alone as i first supposed.

The Porch Swing

Goodbye to the Cliche,
A letter is a final submission and admission of what is hidden in the heart
words that were never spoken but held dear from the start
in many dreams and desires, even unaware
I held the family cliche closely to my heart.
why you ask such a thing would be my dearest treasure
because in the moments of the storm it was my warmest weather
I see the mail man with his bag walking down the street
iced tea in the evening while on the porch swing
I see him walking the dog right before bed
and when the lights have all gone off it was her lullaby that rung through my head
maybe its the comfort of a family I never had
a parental unit that held together no matter what was near
the pain of yesterday still clings to me in the most rawest of places
and even in my dreams at night I can't begin to erase it
I said goodbye to the cliche because even a minivan in a garage makes me sad
a child running across the street leaves me empty and sometimes mad
what of a father hugging his son in the altar how then do you think I feel?
or the wife holding her husband in the morning before the first meal
the goodbye kiss for the day what a cliche thing to see
but its the cliche in my heart that hurts me deeply that I continually seek
my own thoughts of what it should have been play over in my mind
and in anger I cling to it rather than slowly saying goodbye
so goodbye I must say to the things I wish that were
in place of a reality where the dream is just a vapor
a vapor that like a mist dried away with the sun
leaving only a small moisture mark on the cement it was once on

My Season for Spring

There are times in my life where it seems a fog has rested on the recesses of my mind.
it isn't a fog of confusion. it seems more of an intentional mist that numbs my emotions.
many times i cannot seem to translate the feelings within
and like a spinning top it seems to turn and turn inside me without any clear definition.
i catch myself resting my chin on my hand, leaning forward in a chair with my fogging thoughts reaching far into the deep as a glazed look covers my eyes.
What is it that i am thinking? Am i lonely? Am i searching for purpose? Am i seeking personal definition? In the grand scheme of life, your have more confidence when you know where your feet are landing
but in the fog many times you cant see the ground in which you walk. Right now the ground seems unclear and the fog in its chilly mist is cool to the skin.
I catch myself thinking random phrases like, "If you want to change, you need to make the change happen." or "Its not the intent of the heart that gives a person motivation but rather their will."
I ask myself how strong my will really is to be proactive in this life.
I get so comfortable with the fog many times that i sit on the unclear ground, where i was once walking, and with my knees crossed just deeply breath in the mist. I can feel its undefined emotion fill my lungs and i contemplate on its ambigious nature.
Why do i do that?
All around me the landscape ahead and behind me is foggy, the edges are blurry. my peripheral vision is unhelpful and i wonder where i am. in those moments i realize that without real personal purpose i drift into the fog. its a slow drifting. a sliding of the heart.
It is a complacency that makes the ground muddy with its disappointments. and i begin to trek along life with an emotionless demeanor. can the fog lift, or is it there forever?
I always forget that life is full of seasons. The winter will not always nip at my toes, just as the summer sun will not always bake my skin.
But, when you are in that season, experiencing the heat in its most intense moment, always feels like an eternity even if it is but a few seconds.
the fog of my mind is only in a season, and soon enough spring will dance in the morning light. i'll hear the baby birds in their nest, and the grasshoppers in the grass. the light will pierce the ambiguity and give clarity to the numbness.
its only a season
and seasons come and go
its the beautiful thing about life, it can always change
Spring come quickly and clear the fog
Because its my season for spring

It was Another Ashley Moment

I was sitting in my room one night. It was pretty late, considering my moment of insanity this could explain the irrational act. I was on the computer, googling teaching jobs in Korea. Some are not aware that i want to teach English as a second language in Korea after i graduate. And so to be proactive in that endeavor i was reading up on the steps you need to take to go overseas and all the paper work it involves with the country and the employer.

I was on a particular website, reading the words of a grumpy old man talking about the entrance and hiring process and how he is tough on the entrance steps. :) and my eyes wondered to the side of the screen in which i saw a korean dating site, and instantly the thought popped in my head.... REAL KOREANS! I can talk to them! and without any second thought, caution or moment of sanity i clicked on the advertisement. The emotion of excitement overcame me and in a moments haze and haste i filled out the new membership part and loaded a pic of myself. It wasn't until twenty minutes later after my profile was set up, my page was beautiful and i took the personality servey that i paused. My fingers froze over the keyboard, i sucked in a deep breath, and looked to my age old Gateway ceiling and said out loud, "Ash! What are you doing?!"

It hit me in that moment that I had joined a Korean singles site, and im not even Korean. eh.... I realized in that moment as I saw my mothers face in my head. No wonder, nothing her children does, surprises her anymore. We do some pretty crazy and random things and for the most part dont even realize it! My poor mother

I began to look back on my track record of stupid things i have done that made sense in the moment.
1. Going to a priest for confession
2. Playing Soccer to play with my African man fren ;)
3. Going on a 'spy mission' to sneak up on a dungeons and dragons (those kind of people) costume party. haha!
4. Going through all of a walmart asking every man how tall he was, and if i could stand next to him if he was 5'6''

These are but a few of what i can think of. However, i feel as if my point has been made. Do these examples make me seem strange :) most likely. I think, on the surface what seems at first strange when explained the intentions give clarity. In all of these examples i had a reason as to why i did something. However, i realize that in those moments rationality for an inside need for answers were more paramount to me. I have come to call these beautiful moments as Ashley moments. because these are Ashley moments in which only i could have come up with.

I havent deleted my Korean profile :) haha! not yet. Because there are some cute Koreans on that website. But the questions begs to be asked, "What have i learned from this experience?" and the beautiful thing about my Ashley moments, is that i always ask myself this question afterwards. Why did i do it? and what did i learn from it?

This is what i learned. I learned that in times like that moment, you just gotta let life be slow. Don't try to rush the future. because in many cases (if not all) it can't be done. Sometimes i am to eager for the future to get here that i forget the beauty of the moment in which i breath. I am so excited about getting my TESOL certification and graduating. I am so excited about going to Korea and teaching English. I am SO excited about taking in the people, culture, music, and FOOD :) I am just excited! that i realize i can get carried away. If i would just lift my eyes and look out the window i could see a majestically unique landscape that God has blessed me to experience. I can see friends that God has put in my life and i can hold and love unconditionally family that has always  been there for me in this moment. I learned to just live life for the now and wait for the future to meet me here.

and as a disclaimer: I sincerely, did NOT join the website to find my 'true love.' The thought did not even cross my mind until after the profile had been made and i realized on what website i was on. I just wanted to talk to a Korean lol . . . I know it sounds silly. And it is. :) but that is just the beauty of being Ashley. Sometimes i do silly things without thinking.

THE END.