I woke up this afternoon thinking on the condition of my heart. Not that i am miserable, but that i am desperate for a change in my life. i want a deepness and intimacy with Christ that i have never felt before. i want to say with full conviction that God walks with me daily and ALL day long. Not that i am not able to say that now, but that there are moments that i feel God would not be proud of.
so i woke up this morning thinking on these things. I thought long and hard as i considered the many avenues in which i can strengthen my motivation. What can i do? and instantly i thought of Barnes and Nobles! i need a book! :) Now lets reflect on my personality for a couple of seconds. I am a goody two shoes, i love rules and boundaries, i like time limits and due dates, structure and schedules. so knowing this and knowing that God created me that way why have i not used that to my advantage in my personal walk with God. Let me use a disclaimer (I AM NOT saying to put God into a schedule!) that is not what i am saying. What i am saying is that if i want God to be a constant in my life, i should make him a constant in my life.
I am the type of person that needs to constantly be moving, i hate waking up in the day and realize that i have NOTHING to do. It can nearly bring me to tears. I desire a full and hectic schedule. Here are my reasons. I love being useful, i love being needed and i love the feeling of accomplishment. For the past two years i was driven with a purpose at Gateway. i had things to do and i was getting them done and i loved it! Now that i am back home, i feel purposeless. but before you think i am having a pity party; just wait. The article is not ending at this paragraph. so just read on.
as i parked my van in the parking lot of the bookstore, and headed in with an intense purpose and desire for a strong mocha i thought on exactly what i was looking for. I had the preconceived idea that i was looking for a year daily devotional. I scoured the Christian section of the store and nearly took both book cases back with me to the table to read (with my mocha of course). and as i rifled through the books i was drawn to a set in particular (a book and study guide). the title was simply this, "Fasting"
And it was in the first two pages of this book that i read this biblical passage; "As the deer pants for the water brooks, So my soul pants for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God; When shall I come and appear before God? My tears have been my food day and night, While they say to me all day long, 'Where is your God?'" -Psalm 42:1-3, NASU
What powerful words in such a small space of syllables. i was emotional and overcome as i sat in the small kiddie table in the back of the store (You know where the children's books are; with the small chairs to little for your toosh) i began to realize a simple truth about my walk with God. I AM ONLY GETTING AS MUCH OUT OF MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD AS I AM PUTTING INTO IT. What a mind blowing realization. People may ask, "Well why can't i hear God!" and they get so upset because they feel like God never speaks to them. but let me pose this question, "When was the last time you spoke to him?" How often do you speak with God?
I cry within my soul (many times not literal tears; but a person knows when his heart is broken) never realizing that the tears themselves may be pained but tears cannot pray, only the creation can. My tears have been speaking to me asking me where my God is and i have not listened. Simply because the truth is that many times i am not concerned with where God is because i am to busy dwelling on why i am going through something. If tears could speak, they would have a lot to say.
Here is the simple truth about the intimacy of God, though reading your bible is good, and prayer is powerful; you will NEVER reach a certain level with God if fasting is not a constant and practiced lifestyle in your life. Is it not fasting that breaks the spirit and binds spiritual oppression? Is it not fasting to bring a deeper intimacy and communication between God and creation? If that is the case then Fasting NEEDS to be a constant in your life as a Christian.
I am hungry and desperate to feel something deeper in God. I am tired of feeling whatever it is that i feel when i start my day. I want to wake knowing that as the first thoughts enter my mind they would be centered on Christ. and since Barnes and Nobles is too expensive i decided to take all the books to customer service so that THEY could put them back ;) and i bought the books cheaper online!
the point of my story is this. I have been thinking so many things my entire life about what it is to be a Christian but it is an entirely different thing when it is something you actually live out. I have known that fasting is something every Christian must do in their walk with Christ but knowing it didn't actually motivate me to do it. its really sad that it took a struggle, a broken heart, a purposeless and confused mind to realize that i needed something to change in my life. and thank goodness God can talk even through the unspoken. i am ready to be something more in God.
So now i know why i am home and not at Gateway. God is teaching me a lesson. He is teaching me that in ministry you cant simply "get by" spiritually like i have been. He sent me home so that i can learn that if anything is going to wake me up from my complacency it would be my removal from my comfort zone. I went to gateway because i was ministry minded and desired a deeper relationship with God but somewhere along the way i forgot the purpose of why i went. I don't feel that my time at Gateway is over. But i do know that God will not allow me to finish what i started there until i learn what it is to lean on Him even when i don't understand.
I do believe God has great things in store for me but i know none of it will ever happen if i don't take the proper steps in my life to ensure that He can work through me. it takes more than just a willing vessel for God to use, it takes a disciplined vessel.
