I have pretty intense writer's block right now. In fact all that I can think about is the Chinese food I had for dinner, the carbohydrate content of my sweat tea, the boredom and loneliness that comes from being in my room all day and how easy it is to sleep your Friday afternoon away. Yep, that about covers the extent of my mental faculties at the present (except for a few undisclosed thoughts also swimming in my head).
As I sit on a hundred year old college mattress and contemplate what is running along the paths of my heart I feel drawn to the subject of purpose and hope . . . or hope and purpose. The order really is not important. Or is it? However, as much as these delicate and wonderfully boundless terms for conversation start to roll around in my head; I continue to scan my Facebook page, take another bite of Chinese food, and sigh discontentedly at the state of my room. I need to put my clothes away...
What is my purpose? Will I ignorantly decide something and all of a sudden fall into a black pit of horrid destiny? I made my bed I suppose, now i must lie in it, or lay in it. I'm not sure which one is correct. Which one sounds cooler. Oh well. Yet I know that life has its moments of ups and downs. The downs these days seem to drain me of my energy but I find myself thinking of the endless possibilities that tomorrow holds. Tomorrow would be a great day for me to buy a Starbucks, go on a walk in the woods and breath in the fresh smell of earth. Perhaps I could go on an adventure to Goodwill and buy a random picture frame or knickknack. Tomorrow is another day I will wake up after another night of dreams that seem to be filled with more emotion than motion.
Faces roll in my minds eyes and I feel. I feel over and over and even as I wake I feel the emotions roll over me like a wave. I ask myself every morning, what is the purpose of this? Am I growing? Am I meant to feel this way? I suppose I am. I sigh deeply and the room instantly seem to get a bit more heated than it was five minutes prior. Perhaps I should turn the fan up and ask God why this school is so opposed to air conditioners.
Yet I dream of better days where after much pain I feel content and happy. I hope and dream of days where many of my goals are a reality not just a distant blimp in life. My heart seems to have grown so big and then it deflated... somewhere. I am not sure where it is. It only seems natural to feel a bit apprehensive about its sorry state. I went looking for it but all I feel are what is left of it. Its memories roll around over and over like a re-run. It no longer holds the excitement it once held.
My soul gently soothes me saying, be still. You are safe. Perhaps my purpose is to love even when I feel so completely unloved. Perhaps my purpose is to look at life from a perspective of hope that though today's Chinese is cold and tomorrow seems like another day of afternoon napping; one day I will wake up, sigh a bit happier and realize that I am better because of it.
My life may not be extravagant or exciting but it is full of color. Splashes of pinks, blues and oranges fill in the spaces of my solitude and I realize that purpose and hope are what keep me going even when I ache so internally. This time alone with God only seems to be a time that we would call a long intimate walk as lovers do by the beach. Perhaps I should start to enjoy the sand between my toes and soft gentle breeze that caresses my cheek. It is in these times where love, His love seems so very real and intimately deep.
My purpose, your purpose is to love even in the times you feel alone the most. Love is the highest calling. Slow down, take a deep breath, eat some Chinese food and reflect on God's good mercies that are so utterly undeserved and love. Love will all you have just as God has loved you. These times will pass. The walks we have together create the most beautiful and cherished memories. Do not be anxious for tomorrow. Just wait in Him. As you call on His name; realize that the tears may come but in His presence that is the safest place to be.
"The Lord is your keeper: The Lord is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day nor the moon by night
The Lord will keep you from all evil; He will keep your life.
The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore."
-Psalm 121:5-8
