Stop & Listen: A Response to the Riots in Ferguson

"I'm absolutely convinced that a riot merely intensifies the fears of the white community while relieving the guilt. . . But it is not enough for me to stand before you tonight and condemn riots. It would be morally irresponsible for me to do that without, at the same time, condemning the contingent, intolerable conditions that exist in our society. These conditions are the things that cause individuals to feel that they have no other alternative than to engage in violent rebellions to get attention. And I must say tonight that a riot is the language of the unheard. And what is it America has failed to hear? . . . It has failed to hear that large segments of white society are more concerned about tranquility and the status quo than about justice and humanity."
Martin Luther King Jr.
"The Other America" March 14, 1968

Inside my heart, above all the perspectives and views out there. I have strived to perceive the single truth. What was wrong and what was absolutely right about the altercation between Darren Wilson & Michael Brown? I have sought to discover the #1 issue and thus the #1 fix behind the Ferguson rioting as a result of the death of Michael Brown. But I found myself (once I started listening) realizing that this murder didn't just happen yesterday... Not in the hearts of the people of Ferguson or many of the cities surrounding Stl.

I have scanned Facebook and Google news feed. I have felt emotional, cried and prayed and then read more. I have endeavored to understand this situation from multiple perspectives. There is something a friend of mine said from a Martin Luther King Jr. Quote that brought me to a place to write this post. Martin Luther King Jr. Wrote in his speech "The Other America," "A riot is the language of the unheard."

Have I taken the time to listen to the unheard? I mean, in a sense they are being heard now... But have we truly tried to listen in times past? Are we so sure about being "truly right" because we see it so clearly from our comfortable perspective? I think the riots outrage us because they make us uncomfortable. They make us feel like we can't control what has been the norm for so long. We feel confused and it all stems from a perspective that isn't tapped into what the unheard are experiencing. What are they experiencing? Have you asked yourself this question?

Why are they so mad?
Why are they so hurt?
Why are they screaming murder, racism, racial profiling and police abuse of power?
Why would they scream this from the rooftops when we are so certain (from our perspective) that it isn't?
It's because as Lecrae so aptly put it, "This Ferguson case was a mascot for something much bigger. Something that people want to hope for. A dream. A dream that has been etched in our hearts for hundreds of years.
A dream yet unrealized." (Facebook status quote).

Now I want to state that I do not condone violence. I believe that laws are put into place to protect the general public and to prosper the society that our culture has fostered. But I never want the violence of a riot to be justification to not look behind the violence. Luther spoke on this by saying that
"a riot merely intensifies the fears of the white community while relieving the guilt." Of which I have witnessed. Those two things; fear and justification has yet again blinded our eyes from trying to see the situation from an unheard and deeply wounded perspective.

But what have we created and allowed to flourish within certain subcultures of our society? That is the unheard voice that the violence of Ferguson is trying to get the rest of the United States to hear. Perhaps it was a platform... But don't we all use certain times in our lives as platforms for change? This is no different. We cannot justify one platform while dismissing another. It is not that easy.

I won't apologize for being white. I won't apologize for being from Mexican descent and I don't expect a black person to apologize for being black either. I don't think that was Martin Luther King Jr's point at all. He believed in equality. A higher equality than just skin color. The equality that comes with being God's creation - all of us. But in Ferguson and in many other parts of the country that equality has not been realized. That was his point.

Being Christlike demands that we love. It demands that we carry the burdens of our brothers. To be uplifters to those weaker than us. It is a calling to call for justice and to liberate the oppressed. It is a calling to listen and hope and dream with those that are different than us. It is an appreciation for diversity while maintaining a single identity in Christ. Why is it so hard for us to put those kinds of callings into practice? So instead of becoming fearful of the uncomfortable noise that comes with fire and destruction. I ask you to listen. What are the flames of the unheard saying? Stop. Just listen. You will find your perspective quite changed and your heart deeply affected. Yes it is uncomfortable. Yes it is painful, but seeing outside yourself always is.

"There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus." (Galatians 3:28)

Spiritual Sabbatical (Part 4): He Calls Us To Transformation Not Preservation

In the previous article, Spiritual Sabbatical (Part 2): What Happened On Calvary?  touched on Calvary and how the atonement was so necessary yet immensely undeserved. I explained the different aspects of Christ's suffering on the Cross and how all that He endured was the just punishment for our sin. The key to the article was that though Christ died for us and suffered for our sins, His love for us took Him to the Cross anyway even as our sin actively murdered Him. If you have not read the first three articles, please consider reading them first before beginning with the fourth. The first article is, Spiritual Sabbatical: Introduction & Spiritual Sabbatical (Part 3): We Are Slaves to Something.

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." (Romans 12:1-2) 

I think Christianity, especially in the western world has become more enraptured with "works" of holiness or more aptly put, visual representations of holiness, rather than holiness itself. As James chapter two clearly states, faith without works is dead, but our culture is more concerned with works and outward appearances and even prejudice than they are with faith. Humanity has a natural tendency to lean towards systems that promote a sense of personal control. It is much easier to control how you dress and where you go than it is to control the thoughts of your mind or the desires of your heart. Yet this is the modern issue of our time.

I am not at all diminishing the very real issues that people deal with on a daily basis. People are struggling with everyday life, they are seeking to find meaning and purpose behind the struggle they find themselves being faced with. It truly does take courage for a person to recognize that they are flawed (Christian terms such as fallen or sinful). Perhaps the real issue is a lack of self-discipline and lack of responsibility. Yet at the end of the day Christ's statutes still stand and our very real need of His redemption is paramount to our salvation.

So what is the true issue behind taking a break from God? What does a person really mean when they say that they need a break? I think there are two reasons why a person rationalizes this decision;
1) The first being that they are struggling (whether emotionally, physically and spiritually), and as a result the individual feels a sense of helplessness or even desperation.
2) Lastly it appears that the system has broke. What has been working for them in the past is not working any longer. Whether that be a religious rhetoric or a limited sense/identification with a spiritual identity & relationship.

Struggle is a natural part of life. Whether a believer or an unbeliever's struggle is a part of our walk with God and in life in general. We are a part of a fallen world. This fallen world, full of dark and grotesque realities also holds the most beautiful and grandiose moments of reality. As any person there are seasons of laughter and there are seasons of tears, of mourning and rejoicing, of peace and war (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8). This is the world that we live in. That being said, I have found that in the struggle there are two responses to God that potentially take place. First, the Christian either learns a deeper intimacy with God, they learn to truly trust, hope and suffer in God or they choose to turn away from God in rejection, hurt, anger and bitterness to ease the pain they feel in the moment. I have grappled with this issue for some time. In those moments of intense suffering, how does a person not clearly perceive their deep need for their Creator? Or they do recognize their need but the pain they feel doesn't seem worth the journey it would take to reach God. It is as though the reality that they are faced with is not worth the growth or betterment but rather immediate easing of the pain they feel. I know for me personally, the fear of whether I would make it scared me so deeply. I wondered if I would recover, or perish through the process.

Even if that person were to recover from the initial bomb blast of pain, the real struggle is maintaining their faith. Now for many people, maintaining their faith is not necessarily built on a solid foundation of relationship with God, hope or faith itself, but rather on outward works of their professed religion. This of course, without any true sense of personal commitment would perish in the light of immediate suffering. I went through a life crises almost a year and a half ago... crazy how time flies but it was in the immense pain that I was in that i wrote the words, "The intensity of my pain is more powerful than my personal experience with God; therefore, the existence of my pain is more real to me than the existence of God." That thought has stuck with me... I did not realize that I didn't know God until it was absolutely necessary that I did. 

 Once I realized that I did not know God, conviction burned a hole through my soul. I was brought to a place where I recognized three pivotal things;

 1. I quite literally cannot survive without God. I have no comfort outside of God. I prayed the Psalms. God, though I did not know Him personally, desired to know me. As I sought Him for comfort I found that I was unbearably starving spiritually and that for years I deeply desired to know God on an intimate level. I just did not recognize it.
2. There is no going back, even though going forward looks like it is going to hurt me more, going back is worse. Going forward is like going into spiritual and physical fire while at the same time scooping out muck in my heart and soul. Going forward is acknowledging that God is going to challenge us beyond our present ability. He is going to stretch our faith, stretch our strength and stretch our stamina. It is quite literally a most painful experience but I recognized that if I came out at the end, I would be an overcomer of those things that plagued me in the present. Going backwards, I knew, I would stay the same. Or worse that I would digress. The very though terrified me.
3. I need God. Rejecting God is not an option because I may be hurting now but without God I would be hurting for eternity. Salvation my friend, is so very necessary. But when we become a new creature in Christ, He asks us, when He thinks we are ready to rid our lives of those things that are not of Him.

It felt as though I was caught between a catch 22. I could endeavor to feel better instantly. I knew this. I could stop striving to know God, I could stop striving to be better, I could stop striving to be used for His kingdom, I could give in to the temptations and deep desires in my heart, instead of learning self-discipline. I could RUN, run in all haste away from God due to fear! Deep seeded fear that had been conditioned since childhood. Yes I could do all these things but I would be exactly where I was and if you are honest with yourself... completely honest, you can admit that is no safe place to be. What makes the books of Psalm's beautiful? It is beautiful because David knew his God before the struggle, that when he was in the midst of persecution, suffering, mourning, and doubt, God his friend was with him as a comfort every step of the way.

If there is one thing I desire for the reader to take from this is that we are flawed and we are in much need of a perfectly loving and just God. His just nature cannot turn a blind eye to our sin, while at the same time, His love for us found a way for us to be redeemed and that is through Christ and His sacrifice on the cross. If the system has broken and you are no longer finding yourself in the green grass of religious rhetoric or you are presently suffering through life. God is prodding you to grow beyond your present circumstance. Take it as a compliment. The Lord believes in us more than we believe in ourselves. He is prodding us and enticing us to journey into a deeper level with Him. He always desires to know us deeper and use us further in the Kingdom. Gideon, Saul, David, Moses, Jacob... especially Jacob. All these men have one thing in common; they were deeply flawed but God saw more in them than they saw in themselves.

If you are in a place between whether you should persevere and know God on an intimate level or give up and continue the way you always have, even in the midst of recognizing that the system has broken. Please choose the risk of seeking God over staying the same and taking a break from Him. John Piper really hits the nail on the head in his book, "Don't Waste Your Life," when he said, "One of my aims is to explode the myth of safety and to somehow deliver you from the enchantment of security. Because it's a mirage... The tragic hypocrisy is that the enchantment of security lets us take risks every day for ourselves but paralyzes us from taking risks from others on the Calvary road of love" (Piper, 81). So in the words of John Piper, I ask you not to waste your life by what you perceive as surviving it. Let this time of suffering, struggle and challenge propel you towards a life of usefulness in the Kingdom. It is easy to write these words when you have not struggled. But as a person that has been through the fire and was faced with the same choice, I can say that I made it and I am better for it! The relationship and intimacy you have with your creator cannot be replaced with anything else. The work of the Kingdom, the cause of the Gospel, there truly is no greater joy!

"Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore..." (Ephesians 6:13-14a) 

In conclusion, there are two questions that R.C. Sproul posed in his book, "The Holiness of God," that I want to post here as well. Keep in mind that after reading the last three articles, the reality of God's loathing of sin, our natural sinful natures without Christ, and God's ultimate judgment of sin itself, that we must have an open heart to the reality of where we stand. That means being completely and humbly honest with yourself and God. He asked:
1. How does understanding God's wrath help you honor Him as a holy God?
2. In what ways do you need God to help you love Him?

In what ways do you NEED GOD TO HELP you love Him?... Convicting words, yet so very necessary if you desire to know Him deeper. It starts with you taking that honest step. But you have to be willing to be vulnerable.

Books to help through the process:

1. Dr. Larry Crabb, Finding God
2. Ruth Haley Barton, Invitation to Solitude & Silence
3.Harry Schaumburg, False Intimacy
4. John Piper, Don't Waste Your Life
5. Joyce Meyer, Battlefield of the Mind

The Big Blue

My heart is full of enviable desires.
The unmet passions of the spirit-
rage within like the waves of the sea.
Bashing the rocks with a violent frenzy.

The sadness quakes with rumblings.
These rumblings of deep disappointment.
Across the silent expanse of the soul,
it sings its heavy tune to the moon.

Blue above and black abyss below,
there is no escape from its presence.
The song sings on, daring not to be ignored.
The sadness, and yearning lives on.

Die you silly desire!
The wind howls and pick up speed,
leading the frenzy upon the rocks.
They rage and they roar!

Tears fall from the big blue.
They land upon the black waters.
The waves slow, and the rocks battered,
lay desolate and broken on the shore.

Autumn Wind

The wind blew us like Autumn leaves.
Into the air we went.
On the waves we spun about.
Laughing, in joy, was our ascent.

Flirting with the warm sun rays,
we danced up in the air.
As the wind slowed we fell below.
Caught in the cycle we were content

Holding each other, our energy was spent.
To the ground we softly landed,
where all the rest do sleep.
Hoping for another gust to blow us off our feet.

Oh I wish to dance again,
to feel us in the air.
Like Autumn leaves, our love does sleep.
But in spring we'll love again.

(October 23, 2012)

The Princess Pauper

He needs to grow up a little,
but how can you tell a man to grow?
He needs to be the king of his people,
but content he is in what he knows.

He can be the king of me.
But crown me, he will not.

He is playing with power,
without sending out the guard.
Falling in shambles,
Like a tower of cards.

The nation is defenseless,
and the throne is left for nought.
I watch in horror,
as a princess bride without her rock

Defenseless and in rags.
I beg he make haste.

Does he not realize-
the feast is for his doom?
Laden with poison-
With one lick of the spoon.

Please my love, awaken!
Can you not see what is at stake?
I need a man to hold me,
because no man can take your place.

Spiritual Sabbatical (Part 3): We Are Slaves To Something

If you have not read the previous two articles please begin there:

1. Spiritual Sabbatical: Introduction

2. Spiritual Sabbatical (Part 2): What Happened on Calvary?

So how fallen are we? How bad is sin? In many ways we easily perceive 'evil' in the world. But those are other people. In some ways we are mystified as to how people do evil things. We ask questions like, "how did they become that?" "How were they raised?" "How does such evil exist in a person?" I have always said this and I will continue to do so; without God we all have murder in us, we all have perversion in us, we all have grotesque potential in us. We are all sinners and full of sinful acts, whether we realize it or not. It is the transformation of Calvary that challenges us to stand above the nature that so naturally can take over if given the proper feeding ground. It is only by Christ that we are made new and made better.

I love how R.C Sproul wrote about sin in his book, "Saved from What?" He writes, "...If people understood two things -- if they understood that God is holy and that sin is an offense against His holiness -- then they would be breaking down the doors of our churches, pleading, 'What must I do to be saved?'" (Pg. 45-46)

So how sinful are we? Colossians 1:21-22 makes it clear how sinful we are. "...And you, who once were alienated and enemies in your mind by wicked works..." Leon Morris in his book, The Atonement: It's meaning & Significance, writes, "Now an enemy is not simply someone who falls a little short of being a good and faithful friend. He belongs in the opposite camp. He is opposed to what one is doing. Sinners are putting their effort into the opposite directions to that of God... The sin we do inevitably arouses the hostility of God." (Pg. 136-137)

In what ways does our sins violate God? As R.C. Sproul writes, "if a crime has been committed, then we have to deal with penal sanctions. If a debt has been incurred, then payment must be made. If enmity has entered a personal relationship, if the relationship has been violated, that relationship must be restored." (Pg. 49)The three ways that our sin makes us an enemy of the Lord and necessitates atonement is: 

1)Sin as a debt
2)Sin as an act of enmity
3)Sin as a crime

"'Come now, let us reason together,'
Says the Lord,
'Though your sins are like scarlet,
They shall be as white as snow;
Though they are red like crimson,
They shall be as wool." (Isaiah 1:18)

Yet Christ redeemed us by the ransom price. He gave his own life to atone for our. He did so much for us, though it was undeserved. "For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." (2 Cor 5:21) "The Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all." (Isa. 53:6) "Yet was the will of the Lord to bruise him; he has put him to grief." (Isa. 53:10) Christ bore much for our sin. Our sin which is an affront to God's purity and holiness. When we purposely remove ourselves from redemption and Christ's atonement by taking a break from God, we are then removing His cleansing blood from our very crimson heart full of sins. Christ is our salvation! "For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, who gave Himself a ransom for all." (1 Timothy 2:5-6a)

Leon Morris in his book, defines "ransom" as, "the money that anyone pays to be delivered." (Pg. 116) or "the term (kopher) conveys the thought of price. God's people are delivered at cost (Isa. 43:3-4)" (pg. 117) So what are we being ransomed from? We are being ransomed from sin. Our wicked deeds. We through our sin, of which is first nature, makes us a slave to sin. John 8:33-34 says, "I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin." And when we are slaves to our sins, and our passions, we cannot break free from them. We are owned by them. That is exactly what being a slave to sin means. A common but very fitting example would be those passions that have then become addiction in our lives. Addictions are blatant examples of how sin has us bound. Even though we may not even realize we are bound to it.

Leon Morris beautifully encapsulates what it meant to be in bondage to our sins, "His word 'ransom' is the technical term used of the money paid to release a prisoner of war or a slave. To release the slaves of sin be paid the price. We were in captivity. We were in the strong grip of evil. We could not break free. But the price was paid and the result is that we go free. 'Sin shall not be your master' (Rom. 6:14)" (Pg. 121). That is why there is no medium. A person cannot simply take a break from God. You are a slave to something. You are either a slave to your sin which in the previous article mentioned the eternal consequences of our sin, of which Christ bore on the cross, or you are slave to God and His Kingdom. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." (1 Cor. 6:19-20) 1 Corinthians 7:22 also speaks of us being the Lord's slave.

Lastly I would like to point out why being a slave to Christ is better than being a slave to sin. In a sense being a slave to Christ is liberating. "You (Christ) are worthy to take the scroll and to open the seals, because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased men for God from every tribe and language and people and nation. You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God, and they will reign on the earth." (Rev. 5:9-10) Leon Morris writes, "that in buying them he did not simply transfer them from one slavery to another. . . This is brought out with the affirmation that they are 'a kingdom' and 'priests' and that 'they will reign'. They have a royal state and are thus as far from being menials as can be conceived." (Pg. 127-128) in turn to trusting in God and surrendering our life to Christ, we are made a royal priesthood and kings and queens of his service!

Living for God is in no way easy at times. Christ calls us to a place of self sacrifice and growth in different areas of our lives. But this earthly life is nothing in comparison to the life Christ has planned for us hereafter. The next article will speak on the topic of why I believe people justify taking a break from God. The past three articles, I hope have laid a firm foundation for the belief that taking a break from God is impossible. I pray that the next article helps in a very practical way to overcome this very human desire to give up and feel better in times of struggle.

Blessings!

Books:

R.C Sproul - "Saved From What?"

Leon Morris - "The Atonement: It's Meaning & Significance"

Wayne Grudem - "Making Sense of Christ and The Spirit: One of Seven Parts from Grudems Systematic Theology"

Spiritual Sabbatical (Part 2): What happened on Calvary?

In Part One: Introduction of Spiritual Sabbatical, I laid out two reasons that are paramount for understanding why taking a break from God or religion is not possible. This is the second part of the series in which I will talk about the fall and its implications, thus the necessity for Calvary and ultimately the atonement for our sins. I will lay out what exactly happened on Calvary... In case anyone was wondering. How does it relate to us as believers or as potential believers, and our need in a Savior. Thereby creating a clearer image of why taking a break from God is impossible and quite frankly is in no ones best interests.

The one thing that I absolutely love about the Word of God is that everything points back to the beginning. To understand the end of the book, you must understand the beginning of the book. For instance, for us to understand why Calvary was so necessary, we must understand what happened in the beginning in the Garden with man's first sin. Genesis chapter three. As we begin this session, you can start by reading the chapter. 

What were the consequences of mans sin or ramifications of  the Fall? 

1. Loss of relationship - Our sin severed that channel of relationship.
2. Sin entered the world- thus we are condemned to death. The penalty of sin is death.

These two consequences were a direct result of mans desire for something that was forbidden. Our pride which desired to be like God. This was touched on in the first article. If you have not read it begin there. 

As a result of man's sin, God created different covenant relationahips throughout history starting with the noahic covenant, then the abrahamic covenant and then the mosaic covenant. Ultimately each covenant relationship that God made with the people of Israel failed until Christ died on the cross. So what was the  impact of Calvary... In simple terms?

1. Sin was paid for by a blood sacrifice - The Atonement - Propitiation which is a blood sacrifice that appeases the wrath of God.
2. Thus we are brought back into covenant relationship - Reconciliation & Redemption

What truly impacts me as a believer of Christ's sacrifice is when I began to internalize what Christ truly went through up there on the cross. Secondly by internalizing that immense pain and seperation I cognitively recognized that the pain and separation He felt up there was meant for the foulest of sinners, which is me. What did Christ endure on the cross? And how does it relate to us as sinners? Wayne Grudem, one of my favorite authors on Systematic Theology beautifully describes the four ways in which Christ suffered or as he put it, "The Nature of the Atonement." 

Jesus endured (in our place):

1. Physical pain & death: we deserve to die as the penalty for sin. " A criminal who was crucified was essentially forced to inflict upon himself a very slow death by suffocation." (Grudem, 75). There was nothing easy about a death by the cross. Men stayed up there sometimes for days, slowly suffocating to death. It was a brutal and grotesque way to die. 
2. The pain of bearing sin: We deserve to bear God's wrath against sin. Isaiah 53:6, 53:12, John 1:29, 2 Cor. 5:21, Gal 3:13, Heb. 9:28, 1 Peter 2:24. The weight of sin, the guilt is not a light thing especially for a man that had never sinned. For Him to bear the weight of sin for an entire world is a lot of guilt, shame and sorrow. He bore it all. Grudem argues that bearing the weight of sin must have been heavier than the physical pain on the cross.
3. Abandonment: We are separated from God by our sins. Jesus faced the physical and spiritual weight of sin on His own. Alone he bore the sins of the world. His closest friends forsook him and fled (Matt 26:56), and in Matt 27:46 when He cried out those loneliest of words, 'Eli, Eli, lama sabach-thani?' 'My God, my God why have you forsaken me?' Was showing the consequence that sin has on someone... Ultimately, separation from God. Yet on the cross, Christ bore that separation for us.

4. Bearing the wrath of God: We are in bondage to sin and to the Kingdom of Satan. (Grudem, 75-83)

This section will be more heavily discussed in the next article. 

Jesus bore all these things in our place. We deserved this judgment but God in His infinite love bore the cross for us. The foulest consequences but rightly justifiable and God bore it. And through it we were gifted with Christ's sacrifice in our place, propitiation (payment): which is a blood sacrifice that appeases the wrath of God (1 John 4:10), Reconciliation which brings us back into relationship with God and redemption which means Christ was the ransom for our sins (Mark 10:45). Wow! Christ did all of that so that He could know you, be in relationship with you, save you and keep you! He did all that... And we take a break from him? Does that even make sense?

How does this relate to us taking a break from God? When we take a break from God we are rejecting His mercy and grace. We are rejecting His sacrifice and infinite love. We are willfully rejecting a way out from what we deserve, which is death. This is also starkly in contrast with the fact that by rejecting salvation and God, you are rejecting a gift of mercy that was already so intensely undeserved. 

Romans 5:10 states, "For if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of his son, much more having been reconciled, we shall be saved by his life." 

This passage states that while we were sinners, we were enemies of God. When we reject God, whether we realize it or not, we are against God. Because our natural tendency is not good but evil. I hope to expand on this topic in the next article. 

Please be blessed! 

Spiritual Sabbatical: Introduction

Since when was "taking a break from God," or "taking a break from religion" ever a viable option? I am going to argue this point from two perspectives that I believe truly need to be defined. First, let me pose a question; have we as people grown so callus to redemption that taking a break from God seems possible? Is mercy and grace viewed as more of an option rather than necessity these days? Is not a sense of urgency and judgment also a motivator behind our relationship with our Creator? Because the last time I checked, humanity was kind of headed towards hell and the only thing that ransomed our sinful selves from the fate was a blood sacrifice of an innocent lamb that died in our place. But please don't let me get ahead of myself. I need to lay this out as gently and politically correct as possible so that your hearts will be open to receive it... Or maybe I should just lay it out as bluntly as possible. So here it goes... Without Christ, we ARE condemned. There is NO salvation apart from Christ. OK I've vented. Now let me gently proceed.

There are two writers that I am profoundly fond of. Perhaps it is because these writers so vividly depict the Human/God relationship in the same sense that they depict our rightful places in sense of a hierarchy which is, us as creation and God as Creator. They depict us as small and as God as indefinably large. Even beyond the recesses that our mind can grasp. This is then paralleled with our very real necessity of God. These writers are John Piper and R.C. Sproul.

R.C Sproul in his book, "Saved from What?" Wrote a line that to this day still impacts the way I view my need for Christ. He wrote, "That we are shocked by the idea that we are saved from God reveals two crucial shortcomings in our understanding. We fail to understand who God is, and we fail to understand who we are. Our view of God is too low, and our view of mankind is too high." (27) Of course this sense of pride is not new to man, because it was pride itself that caused the fall of man in Genesis. Didn't man desire to be like God? What I want to point out from this quote however, is that by accepting salvation, we are not just accepting free access to the blessings of God but we are also allowing the sacrifice of Christ to cover us from the very real judgment of our sins. Taking a break from God, or taking a break from religion is willfully removing ourselves not only from the blessings of relationship, but also from the cover and safety of salvation. Those two aspects parallel each other. Neither are truly an option and it is for two reasons. 

1. The underlying premise of redemption is that sin (our sin) was paid by a blood sacrifice and we are then brought back into covenant relationship with our God. 

A concern for how the church views redemption has been pressed upon me. What is redemption? Do people truly understand the concepts of "mercy," "grace," and "propitiation?" Do we as a body of Christ truly understand the impact and ramifications of what took place on Calvary? If we understood the full impact of our sinful nature and the liberating power of Calvary then we would not so easily take a break from something that has set us free from God's judgment of our sin and sin itself. 

2. There is no growth outside of God. There is only digression. 

Do we fully grasp our natures as human beings? I think for many people, the truly evil people are outside themselves, distant and quite psycho. But the everyday evil is within us when we live outside the grace of God. What seems simple has eternal ramifications and consequences. There is no growth, there is no betterment, maturation, or spiritual relationship with God outside of the parameters that he set for us. There is no salvation and no winning or getting by outside of God.

I pray that these next three articles lay out a foundation by which you can rationally and prayerfully rethink how we have been relating to God but also how we are responding to God and His call in our lives. In this life there is no spiritual sabbatical and I pray that each and every one of us come to a place where we realize that taking a break from God is impossible. 

Be blessed!  

Romanticized Ministry

I think that much of my generation has romanticized and limited what it means to be a minister. Are we called to a specific place, to a specific people, in a specific manner? I believe that some are but many are unnecessarily waiting for something that I believe wasn't meant to be their form of "calling." We spend so much energy praying for so much detail that we never start what we were called to do which is to minister to the needy and broken.

I think that the great christian historical figures in history got it right. They didn't wait until they felt called or felt called to a specific place, job or peoples before they went. These great Christians just did it. They saw a need exactly where they were at. They filled the gap exactly where God placed them. They didn't romanticize the call and wait for the call to take them somewhere. The call was exactly where they were in that moment. It wasn't a call to a place but a call to people. It wasn't a call to a specific job but a call to a need.

Stop waiting and just serve. Stop romanticizing something that isn't romantic. It's ugly. It is hard, it is lonely and it is never finished. The only romantic part about ministry is the relationship we cultivate in our savior. He asks of us things that aren't easy and aren't pretty. He asks us to constantly be better in Him than who we are in the present. He challenges us to grow to a level that seems impossible at the spiritual level that we are at in the present. He is never content with us staying the same. This is because He truly believes we are capable of more than we think we are capable of. Ministry is being where you know to be, growing and serving in the place you are now and doing what no one else will do. Does that sound romantic or just plain practical?

The beauty of serving God isn't in the call. No, it is in the service. That is why the greats where so great! They served regardless of where they were and their passion was fueled by the need that they saw around them. Not the other way around. Stop romanticizing the call and romanticize the service. Because it is only the service that truly matters. In fact, better yet, let's not romanticize anything. Romanticizing only sets up false expectations that only end up disappointing.

For those of you waiting for a call or waiting to reach your destination for missions work. Pause and think, what are you doing now to fulfill the call you already have been given? Are you reaching those in need next to you or only desiring for something that you aren't spiritually ready to face yet? Perhaps a little perspective change is in order. How willing are you to do the work of the kingdom exactly where God has you right now? Perhaps the reason a calling hasn't been given is because you have shown no true commitment or service in the place God has planted you in presently. No matter where you are there is a need.

Ask yourself what is the need and what can I do in the ministry God has blessed me with already? God takes us to different levels in different phases of our life. Don't be too eager to rush what you aren't ready to face. All are called to service in the kingdom but sadly few ever truly serve outside their own needs. Step outside your comfort zone and serve!

Blessings to all!

What is your God given gift?

I am so grateful that God gifted me with the gift of writing. There are times in life when my writing reminded me of past experiences, mindsets or spiritual lessons. I remember a time when I was reading over my old works and I came across one of my articles that I had written as a freshman in college. I read over the words that I felt so deeply to write and just began to cry. God had used me to write an article that I had written at 19 years of age, so that it would be waiting for me as a 25 year old that was struggling with that very topic. I have often said that if no one in the world ever reads my writing, I know that God has used this ministry to teach me through my own writing. I remember sitting there on my laptop, in my jammies, not fully grasping spiritually what I was writing but knowing that it was from God. No I didn't know what it was to struggle with that topic or to battle the things I was writing but I knew that it was true and that God was prodding me to write it. As I read it years later, I identified with the words so deeply and was so immensely impacted by the conviction that I knew I felt in those words.

I have always endeavored to be as transparent with my writing as I possibly can. I have always felt a special place in my heart for the broken. For some reason, it is the broken that my heart reaches out to. Their silent suffering, their trials that seem never ending and their helplessness draws me to a place where I feel compelled to be a practical help in their life situations.

This is where transparency comes into play. I am a leader. I have a deep passion for the broken. I have a deep passion for ministry and my relationship with my Creator. But, I too have faced deep brokenness. I have faced emotionally and spiritually cripalling experiences that have bruised me deep within the soul. In these moments, it was not easy to bounce back from the pain and flounder off into the distance as a joyful, happy and peaceful minister of the Gospel. I laid there shell shocked and motionless. All I could do was lay there. Does this news of brokenness somehow exempt me from ministering to the broken? No, in fact it draws me to a place of appreciation for those that are still suffering. It draws me to a place of deep empathy and conviction that though they may be shell shocked and motionless now, if they keep holding on, they will make it. There is hope in this statement. There is faith in holding on and hoping.

Dan B. Allender, wrote two books entitled, "Leading With A Limp," & "To Be Told." In my transparency, I revealed a brokenness that I am just now recovering from. However, recovering from brokenness does not somehow exempt us from the work of the Kingdom. I think that many times we place ourselves on sabbatical. I will say, however, that there are times where due to positions, certain situations and the gravity of its influence, a minister should remove themselves from certain position to allow proper healing and to work towards conflict resolution. However, if it is not a struggle that morally conflicts with a position of leadership then the real struggle is to lead and battle at the same time. So many people have the privilege of battling without the leadership aspect. It is so easy for so many people to put themselves into a spiritual timeout. They just shut down and take a break to conserve all their energy on self. Even when I have placed myself purposely out of a role of leadership, I could not escape the call. The Lord always finds you when He knows He has a plan for you. And you ALWAYS seem to find yourself back in leadership. Don't fight it, just accept what God is preparing for you. Fighting only makes it worse... Ask Jonah. At the end of the ride he still ended up in Nineveh. God has always reminded me of this truth through my writing. If all other ministries in my life were to conclude I know that my writing ministry would not.

I pray that my writings can be an encouragement to those that wonder, question and hurt. Those silent sufferers that know that they are meant for more than they have allowed themselves to live. God has more faith in us that we do in ourselves. He prepares us in strange and unique ways. Each of us is loved and dealt with uniquely by God. Though I am grateful that God has given me the gift of writing. The older I get I recognize that my writing has also been a ministry to me. God has spoken to me over and over through works I had completed years prior. I want these words to be that kind of encouragement to others when they themselves have life crises, feel a call from God but aren't sure how to proceed, or just feel comforted in the fact that we are living daily and many times ordinary human experiences while also searching for meaning in an all powerful and mighty creator! No matter the situation, I pray that people are blessed by the ministry the Lord has given me and also feel inspired to discover the ministry God has blessed them with as well.

Are you a future writer, Sunday school teacher, bible teacher, preacher, theological educator or missionary? Whatever the call may be, it is unique and beautiful because it is a gift and a talent that was blessed by God and given especially for you! Discover your gift and start to use your wings. You never know how high you can fly until you actually try.

Please be blessed!

It Is Okay To Be Desperate

Yesterday night, my church had its monthly leadership meeting and pastor showed an impacting video about suffering and its correlation with our relationship with God and our dependence on Him. The root of the message was not suffering, or leadership, or success... No the root of the message was tied to man's need of God and our trust in Him.

The woman in the video has been paraplegic for 45 years. I'm not paraplegic, but just as everyone has their struggles, I do as well. She described a time of intense suffering. A time of which life seemed so dark and all questions seemed to be left unanswered. Nothing made sense. Life had no meaning and death seemed so much more appealing. She talked of a time when she professed to be Christian but admitted that she didn't truly know Christ personally.

I cannot express how much of an encouragement it is to know that I am not alone. The number one tool of the enemy is emotional and physical isolation. If the enemy can get you to believe that you are the only one feeling this way, struggling in this way, suffering in this way then you are more likely to pull away in pain, discomfort and anger. Loneliness is a painful experience that if channeled right and responded to correctly can draw you closer to God. However, the majority of time, it propels people towards sin, bitterness and isolation.

No matter the life situation. It is OK to be desperate for God. In fact i would encourage it! It is better to be desperate for God than to wholeheartedly pursue coping mechanism and addictions as a means to appease the pain within. Yes we have our mountain moments and other times we have our valley moments. In the mountain moments we aren't as desperate for a touch of God. We aren't as desperate in our need of His love or relationship. Our daily devotion and gratefulness isn't always the first fruits of our day. But in the valley it is.

This woman has been paraplegic for 45 years! After 45 years she still has many mornings where she cannot bring herself to smile, enjoy life or get up in the morning. She has a friend brush her teeth and dress her everyday. That is a daily, humbling, human experience. It is no wonder that she doesn't want to face the day. I am an individual that struggles with depression and overcoming my childhood abuse and trauma. Mine is little in comparison to the struggle she faces everyday. But the truth is that there are mornings that I find it hard to get up in the morning. I find it hard at times to smile and see the brightness and potential in life when everything within me seems so gray. It is hard for me to feel good about living when I wake up and relive a flashback that washes over me and spreads like fear over my skin. No it isn't easy.

However, it is OK. In our desperation. In our pain. In our daily trials of just making it through, it helps us do one thing and that is depend on God with all we have. She is right. I can't lift myself up out of a painful flashback from the past, from the pain that seers through me like a soul killing knife, just as she can't lift herself out of bed by her own strength. But there is one who can and that is our God. We need God whether we realize it or not. In the mountaintop experience it is harder for us to recognize it, but in the valley our dependence in our Creator is absolutely essential.

In the midst of unanswered questions and pain that seers through you day by day, trust God. Know that the pain will not always go away when you tell it to, but accept that in the midst of pain that endures for what seems like forever is meant to draw you to God. I think the hardest part for me to learn was realizing that just because I know what is wrong and why I am in pain, doesn't mean that I will feel better that instant. There will be times a flashback will wash over me and I will be miserable, but crying, praying and resting doesn't mean I will instantly empty of the bad feelings and instantly fill with amazing feelings.

I will find a confidence to rest in God through the pain. What it does mean is that in my pain, as I cry and pray, I consciously make the decision to trust that God knows what he is doing and that it is for my good. Just as the lady in the video will not be instantly healed and able to walk just because she trusts God and has worked through the painful memories of breaking her neck in a swimming accident. We must be willing to let life work its heal process in us over the course of time. We cannot rush the work of God.

God loves those that are humble and in need of Him constantly! Those that wholly depend on Him have the greatest joy and peace than those that live in their own strengths. I think that the story of Gideon (Judges 7) is a prime example of how God uses human weakness to showcase his greatness and might through a super natural victory. If we allow Him to work in us by trusting Him, resting in Him, we too can watch the greatest victories take place in our lives simply by allowing God's glory and might to work through us. Human strength. My strength. Your strength is too limited, but Gods strength can move mountains. Wipe out enemies by the thousands with a single breath and create the universe with a single word. Don't box your God but allow Him to shine in your life.

Read Judges 7 and let it be an encouragement to you in your struggle! Many blessings!

Little Epiphanies & Love

This past year has been a life journey for me. I find myself on occasion reflecting on the different places that God has brought me. In many ways I am so grateful that I have learned so much and in other ways I am still within the thick of a struggle. I will be 26 years of age in about a month and a half. This of course is strange to me. I'm not quite sure how I feel to be in the latter end of my twenties. However, time cannot still or stop; so I suppose I will have to get over it. However, as a female, with ministry aspirations, with a bachelors in theology, and unmarried. There has, in the past, been a stigma for Pentecostal women that remain unmarried. This of course weighed heavy upon me when I hit 23... I'm not quite sure why it was that year that it did.

However, three years will soon have passed since that fateful melancholy day when it struck me that I was an old hag. needless to say, I look back and I realize that my perspective on my marital demise was rather dramatic. The simple truth is that if I had been married at 23 I would not have been ready. If I had been married last year I would not have been ready either. Yet, I had rationalized in my mind that the only door to ministry would be through my husband. I kept waiting to find the "perfect" husband that would define for me what my future ministry would be. I would like to preface by saying that I didn't conscientiously think this, but on some level I kept waiting. I think that many women do this very thing. We know that God has given us a passion to serve in His kingdom.We know that the personal call He has given is very real. But we are not certain of how it will all play out, especially, considering that many doors are not quite open to women in ministry in the local church. This, for many women, can be quite the kill joy. I have been blessed with a church that affirms my call and allows me to minister in avenues that I find God has given to me as gifts. I work with children and children's ministries and I help with missions.  

This past month, a book that has changed my complete perspective on marriage, relationships, and divorce is a book by David P. Gushee, entitled, "Getting Marriage Right: Realistic Counsel For Saving & Strengthening Relationships." Many at my church find it amusing that I read books on marriage, yet am myself unmarried. However, as a child that comes from a broken family, I believe that is what stems my fascination with marriage & relationships. I didn't know what a happy marriage looked like. Or at least I am learning a little more as I have opened my heart to it. A year and a half ago, I could honestly say I knew nothing of a functional marriage but God has slowly, through people and resources, revealed to me what Godly marriage is meant to look like. I believe that due to this revelation of biblical marriage my once romanticized view on love and marriage has been squashed in the dirt and pulverized into dust. I still am at heart romantic, but my view on love has changed from unrealistic expectations to true & biblical expectations.

Gushee, in his book covered on the topic of modern "romance" and the belief of secular views on "soulmates." There is a quote that absolutely crushed any semblance of "modern romance" that I had left, when he wrote, "And yet the concept still resonates with us (concept of soulmates). We want to find someone who is a true match for us, a partner for the journey, a companion for the soul. If so, I suggest that we redeem the concept in this way. The true soulmate should be understood as a person who serves and worships the same God as you do, who yokes her life together with yours in a shared mission, who walks by your side in a companionship of labor and love designed by the Creator, and whose covenant commitment to your marriage cannot be shaken despite seasons of conflict and sorrow. Blessed is the one who finds such a partner" (Gushee, 125). I read this passage over and over and let it sweep over my dramatized and overly eccentric idealizations concerning romance and I realized that I was looking at the wrong things. I was waiting for all the gushy and warm feelings. I was waiting for all the outstanding displays of affection and romantic inclinations. I was waiting for it to be a constant high that never died, at least not until the average statistic of time (2 years) when marital bliss has reached summation.

Furthermore, I think the greatest realization that resulted from reading this passage was the line, "who yokes her life together with yours in a shared mission." This line rolled on and on in my head and it hit me that I can never truly feel absolutely confident about a relationship if I am not confident with my identity in Christ & with my life and purpose. Perhaps many have gotten by, or accidentally fallen in love with an individual that happened to seek the same life goals. Or the cold reality is that too many people simply came to a point where they didn't care and settled. I look at myself and I see a woman that knows the things she enjoys but can't quite define what her mission is. This didn't upset me. I am fine with not knowing, but it did draw from within me a desire to not seek someone else to love, but rather a desire to know who I am. I don't mean go on a spirit walk and discover myself, or endeavor to come to a place where I genuinely love myself. All those things are beside the point. I need to discover who I am in God. My mission in the kingdom involves me knowing who I am in Christ, recognizing the gifts & passions that he has given me, and knowing God on a deep and intimate level. No, no one is perfect when they get married but if you can find someone one that loves the same God, has the same mission as you do, who is selfless and a hard worker, and who is deeply committed to the relationship, then those are things that you yourself must know as well. The street goes both ways. Don't expect things from others that you aren't willing to do yourself.

This of course is easier said than done. But I pray that God gives me the strength to seek Him and truly listen to the only voice that can guide me. I have a mission. I have a purpose. I just have to be brave enough to recognize it and ultimately seek it.

A Sound Mind in a Raging Sea

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness, and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." 

James 1:2-8

We all have lived distinct and unique lives. Born to different mothers and raised in different environments. Despite the differences in upbringing and social settings; there are similarities in struggles, desires, and worldviews that are all encompassing. The link is that despite our gender, ethnicity, and socio-economic status, we are all wonderfully human and flawed. Some strengths are some people's struggles, and one struggle in particular is a disciplined mind. 

The Gospels spends a significant portion of their writings on something that the 21st century church struggles with and it is personal disciplines and self-control. Throughout time, self-control has always clashed with the mindset's of the secular world. Pagan religions revelled in pleasurable acts religiously, and socially. Therefore, self-control has always been at odds with humans tendency to do as they wish and please in the moment. Today's society is no different. As a people that profess Christianity, many times our worldviews can mix between a Christian worldview and the secular worldview that society in which we live teaches. Culture outside of Christiandom and within mix and mingle. This is not a purposeful thing that Christians do. It simply comes down to how our minds process and evaluate data from the culture that we thrive in within and without the church. 

This past week, I feel that God has been impressing me to spend time on how lacking self-disciplines are in my life. Many of the books that I read have touched on the topic. In a deeper level it has left an impression on my soul, as to why certain struggles I face keep appearing over and over again. These next couple articles that I will be writing will be touching on the different aspects of self-control that the word of God teaches and asks of Christians. The first article will touch on how imperative self-control is in our personal walk with Christ and how it affects our ability to be ministered to and receive the Holy Spirit's moving in our life. The second article will touch base on how Self-disciplines affects our habits, desires and our ability to withstand the wiles of the devil or temptations (Eph. 6). The third article will be based solely on how important it is for ministers and leaders to be above reproach in their personal and public lives and how personal disciplines affects that lifestyle, and the last article will solely be dedicated to the Battle of the mind. How does discipline of the mind affect every single article listed above?

If you are a brother or sister in Christ that is hurting, dealing with a pain from the past that you can't seem to overcome. If you are a brother or sister in Christ that feels stuck or in a rut, these articles may be for you! Does your mind seem to betray you? Do you constantly doubt and fear your present circumstances and life situations? These things are not the lifestyle of a sound mind. Yet as Christians, God promises that we can have peace, joy and a sound mind.  Why do so many Christians not have peace?

As vital as self-control and disciplines are mentioned in the New Testament and taught by the great apostles and Christ himself, our generation is sorely lacking in self control. We don't even know how to begin! It is okay! I am learning right along with you! I believe that the church can do mighty things for the Kingdom, but I don't believe we will be able to until we are able to say no to ourselves and yes to our Savior. I can't wait to begin this adventure and I pray it is a blessing to you as well!

Many Blessings! 

To Know God

I came to a revelation today. I cannot adequately express how much I have learned these past 6-8 months. Life events fraught with painful shifting of the soul, healing, detoxing from bad habits and drawing into a deeper and more intimate friendship with my Creator. But today as I swung on a tire swing and allowed the Lord to silently minister to me, a thought came to me in the silence. The sun baked my skin as I spun in circles on the playground. Its simple yet deeply profound for me. As a result I  thought I would share my thoughts with the social world.

My life is what it is. I can't change it. I can't force it to be something that it isn't. However, it definitely has beautiful potential. My desire it to know God, to draw closer to Him and to learn what it is to be more Christlike. Simply put, I want to know God. If I am seeking those beautiful things then I believe that I will be in the perfect will and care of God. When you place your life in His care, completely, everything will work out to His perfect glory. I look back on my life, as i sit here, and I see a continuous desire to know God. I see a desire to be near Him and to do His hearts desire. I found myself in the past, almost always trying to SELF-fulfill those things. Instead of just allowing God to have control. For years I ran in spiritual circles. Yet the Lord had mercy on me and showed me His truth in His timing.

But in the end, the beautiful moment came. It will sound plain and uninspired I assure you. However, its beauty in my mind is so much more vibrant than the colors this language paint it. Because it is a spiritual revelation that only the soul can fluently describe. I learned to let go & trust. I saw myself in my minds eye, sitting in the present, on a timeline. It was a long white line. This timeline moved backwards 25 1/2 years and forwards into the unknown years, days or hours. I looked back into the past and saw the handprint of my influence could not touch the past. I could not change it for it has already happened. It was an intangible thing on this timeline that I existed on. Yet I could see it (remember), feel it (deeply and unbearably at times), and experience it (reliving the past) if I so choose.

It was the future that seemed so much more liberating and limiting at the same time. I reflected on it, and as I did, I noticed that the line never ended. The beauty of its potential glowed into my warm dreams, hopes and potential decisions that I would someday make. However, I could not see who I was or what I would eventually do. This was completely different than looking into the past and seeing my memories. regardless, the warmth of my future seemed secure as the endless line rolled into something rock solid. It rolled into something more powerful than any life that has ever lived or died and that is at the foot of the cross.

The cross met my life line at every potential memory, present circumstance and potential future life event. It warmed it with mercy, grace, redemption and love. It met it with beauty and grace and heated the conviction in my heart to hold fast to what I cannot see or perceive in the present. I am on the line but I am safe and so are you. The beauty of such faith astounds the heart of an individual that had never felt such safety all her life. Yet my life and all that it is rests on the solid foundation of something that stood the test of time, changed the course of time and altered all that we were meant to be. We were meant for destruction but the cross changed that. We were meant to face death but the cross overcame it. We were meant for isolation from our God, but the cross redeemed us. We were meant to suffer for all eternity but the blood offering of Christ paid the price! We are safe and secure at the foot of the cross! So why worry? If you are discontent about who you are now, find peace with God. Realize that all that we are right now is only for the present but God's potential for us is so much greater than the sufferings and tears we may endure today! Hold fast to the truth and cling to His promises. You are safe.

It is imperative that I get this point across. There is nothing you can do to change what God has ordained to happen. If you don't know how to overcome something, rest in the arms of Christ and wait for His timing. You can't force it, you can't manipulate yourself to feel differently, you can't change time or make something better or even heal yourself. No it is only God that can do these things. Trust that He is good and that He is for you. Rest in the knowledge that you are safe at the foot of the cross and your future will seem so much brighter. Quit worrying, quit thinking of things over and over and wishing and trying to change it. You can't! Just rest and wait in Him. There is peace in this. There is joy in this. There is rest and soundness in this. But it takes courage and faith to do so.

So you see our lives are exactly what they are and as they should be. They have all the glorious potential to be so much more in Christ. Not by our strength, willpower, manipulation of the heart or deception of the mind. Because that is not truly letting go and letting God. No, only a humble and trusting heart in God has the wonderful and powerful potential of being something greater than we ourselves can create. I encourage you to place yourself into the hands of a God who is the only time keeper, time maker, and life giver and life molder. He is truly my all in all. Everything that I was, everything that I am, and everything that I will be rests in Him. There is no safer place to be.

Addicted to Control

Hello my name is Ashley and I was an addict of control. 

"That according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:16-19

I want to spend a little time expressing the beauty of time. Its beautiful because it is a wonderful tool the Lord uses to grow, mature and mold his servants into the people he would have them be. I have always heard people say things like, "well give it time," or "time will heal it." However, my mind couldn't really comprehend how that was so. Let me attempt to give you a visual image detailing what exactly an individual means when they say this.

First off I must preface that time is a powerful tool because so many things change over time. Nothing is ever truly static. In the height of our situation, it is hard for us to imagine things being different than what they are in the present. It is hard for us to imagine things changing when something seems so permanent and yet as time passes (slowly and in its due course) things truly begin to change and shift. That is the beauty of life. Even life itself on earth is seasonal and is in a constant state of change.

Now back to life. When we struggle and hurt, especially when we feel that God went on vacation or is sleeping, we find ourselves wondering if things will ever change. We find ourselves wondering if things will ever get better. In that moment things seem so very permanent. Therefore a desire to take control and immediately try to change the situation by force has its appeal.

I propose to you today that it is all about mindset. You must ask yourself one simple question, "Are you willing to be changed?"
As I began this article, I began with a statement that is pivotal to this discussion, and to the question I previously posed. So how does being an addict of control have anything to do with time & change? I have (all my life) been addicted to control. I was addicted because it gave me a false sense of security and safety from others and even from God. Though at the time I did not truly realize how control bent I was on not allowing God to have control. Why did I do this? Why did it make me feel safe? Independence, strength, willpower, determination... These are all characteristics that I deemed admirable all throughout my life. Just as I viewed laziness, a lack of dreams, complacency, and weakness as terrible attributes to behold. Maybe it was the childhood that fostered perfection, or the idea of ever disappointing my father, or the mere reality that I could not face a single person ever having the control or ability to ever hurt me again. Whatever it was that propelled me forward to an addiction to control is not as important as realizing that it was a very real addiction that I not only utilized but deeply cherished. 

Here is the moment we have all been waiting for. Control is the lack of humility. It is the lack of trust and faith that despite our ability to control a life situation, we can depend on a God that not only desires to grow us but prosper us. Only time and a willingness to change can make a difference in the life of an individual that desires to become what God has in mind for them. The reality is that it is a painful process that rewires how the spirit responds to life circumstances, how the mind translates and chooses to react to the circumstance and our humble willingness to trust despite our fear and insecurity of not knowing what will happen.

I asked the question, "Are you willing to be changed?" Because when an individual refuses to let go of control and let God, it is literally like digging your heels in and never allowing good to come into life. If it is not God making the changes that only time and healing through His ministering Spirit can make, then it is not of God. Therefore life will never be what you planned. Therefore there will never be peace. There will never be joy. There will never be a deep sense of intimacy and friendship with your Creator that you so deeply desire (even though you don't realize it).

But it is a process. That kind of change doesn't happen over night. A wonderful and beautiful friend that I hold dear to my heart said to me one night, "Ash, letting go of control is little baby steps that you release from day to day. It isn't something you let go of all at once, because you realize that you won't ever completely let go." It is the everyday decision to let go of control and let God in whatever situation you are in right now. It is all you can do, but the beauty of time, no matter how long is that God changes you. He transforms you into the servant, child, heir of His kingdom that He would have you be, if you are willing. Are you willing to let go of control and be changed? It takes bravery and courage. It is the willingness to be vulnerable and open to being unsure of the outcome. It takes the courage to trust despite what you see. It is no small thing for the weak. It truly is a challenge for the warrior of God, that Christ would have you be. But it involves letting go and letting time take its time. 

This is when things start to really get tough, because nothing happens in our timing. Its the spiritual fruit of longsuffering that is fostered and matured in time of letting go and letting God. We must cling to a hope that despite what we see and feel, our future is brighter in Him because He is the one in control of it. Never be proud of a life that is addicted to control because that life will only bring deep seeded disappointment, rebellion and unwillingness to be close to anyone worth loving you. Cling to the character of God. Remind yourself of His unchanging character; which is a character of steadfast love, faithfulness, strength, justice and mercy... Etc... These characteristics will never change. Lean on this when times seem too permanent. Because though we don't realize it now, the season is changing.

"Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stays awake in vain." Psalm127:1

The Struggle of Newness

There is something so fascinating about addictions. For people addicted to something, it doesn't seem as problematic in the midst and height of it. In fact it seems like some small thing that has barely affected any aspects of her personal life. Its not the height and breadth of an addiction that fascinates me as much as the cavernous emptiness that seems to engulf her perception when she begins to detox from it. Once an individual realizes and truly perceives the depth of the addiction and how it has indeed consumed their very life to the point of self destruction; hopefully they find it necessary to remove it from their life.

When she does begin to detox from it, the empty gaping hole it leaves is most assuredly overpowering and debilitating at times. All the individual can think about is how empty her life seems without the very thing she had so unknowingly become dependent on. All life's realities are tainted by the skewed and perverted perceptions the individual had fostered for so long. A sense of immense hopelessness can easily paint her life a sordid pallor of putrid green that seems to give no semblance of life but rather death. The addiction seems so much more appealing in these times because it was by the addiction that she had begun to paint life itself the very color of her perverted perceptions.

But in the loud clamor of this great moment, a cry of agony leaps out to God for a greater meaning of healing and wholeness. She asks the most beautiful question to her Creator in this moment. Perhaps it is the one question He has waited so long to hear. She whispers in her insecurity, in her pain, her desperation and deep seeded desire for clean change, "Lord, what exactly is a clean and holy soul?" What does this look like? Lord, I have no idea what life looks like outside this muck that has been painted across my broken and bruised soul! Oh Lord I need you. This is all I've ever known.

A new seed is thus planted in the soil of desperation. A seed that takes time to grow. Healing at times can be instantaneous, but I feel at times cannot be truly appreciated if it is. It is in the struggle, the weight and battling with the angel of God that we truly find a new identity in Christ. However, as time passes and the struggle and grappling of the addiction endeavors to drag the individual back into the black mire of destruction, a small glimpse of change seems to lighten the lens of her perception. A small space within is filled with something new. Newness, health, cleanliness seems to seep into her and slowly washes away the black muck that has taken residence within. Unsure of what it is creates a deep sense of insecurity. For truly how could a woman enjoy the presence of a father, if she had never had a father to base that experience on? But something is different. She can feel it, inside like a sprout that burst through the soil that seemed so barren for so many years previously.

Life seemed painted by black and red in the past. Rage, insecurity, lust and fear were the companions of her life and they wreaked havoc on her perceptions but as time passed the Lord shed some light into the cracked and broken vessel of her soul. She looked within and truly saw for the first time how sinful, disgusting and ugly she truly was. She turned away in anger, sadness and betrayal. It seemed so unfair! For truly life has dealt her a heavy card. She couldn't bear to look within but God continued to shine the light within the dark, and look she did. She looked and saw herself for some time...

She accepted it. She accepted her sinful nature for what it was. Her past was a portrait. She was fallen, she was broken, she was every statistic they said she would be. But right in that moment, the light became blinding... So blinding! She desired more than anything in all the world to be close to God. Her one and true desire was to know Christ. To be near Him and experience the transforming power that only He could give. The cracks within her soul could not handle the pressure within and she shattered. She shattered into a million pieces! For truly in that moment she was completely broken! Yet she had not died.

She was alive! For an old wineskin cannot hold new wine. She had to shatter. She had to break! She had to hurt and she did. She reached out with a shaking hand. Tears streaked her smudgy face and a desire for a new life drove her on. A desire to know God above all other desires drove her to this whisper, "Lord, oh Lord, please hear me!" Her shaking hand persisted and as the rubble slowly came to rest upon the earth and the dust settled into silence a hand reached out, warm and strong and pulled her up out of the destruction of what once was. She was never a victim, she was always meant to be a conqueror, a joint heir in Christ, a new creature. She was called to be justified, redeemed, holy and set apart. But she had to break first.

In that moment what seemed empty and cavernous without her addiction. Now only seemed like a suffocating fog that desired to kill her potential and bind her future. There was no longer any pleasure or beauty in its appearance. Instead life is filled with something new. She can't quite name it but it feels familiar as if it had always desired to fill her. She knew His name and she new His voice. It was familiar. Her soul was something new. She was clean, whole and pure and she had no other to thank than her savior. Her Lord, her lover, her Father and her Friend.

Words

So many times I get stuck inside of my head about things i have done. This sometimes helps me move through all the doubts and pains that roll around in there. :) I thought I would share. There is no way to change the past. It happened. My friend Anthony Ferrell said once, "It is done. You can't change it. It happened exactly the way it was supposed to happen." He is right, and I try to remember that when I get stuck in my head again.

.

Judas & His Rope - An Identity Complex

There were many times throughout my life where I read (or was told) the account of the betrayal, passion & crucifixion of Christ and felt like I could relate to Judas more than any other disciple in the narrative. I know many people would never admit to such a scandalous thing, but I can assure you that many of you have unknowingly related to him. What makes the attitude, life actions, spiritual condition, betrayal & and finally the suicide of Judas just so heartbreakingly sad? 

I believe there are three reasons why Judas' story is a sad one:

1. I personally believe it is sad because Judas was a man that believed in an identity that was not truly his, even in the presence and discipleship of Christ (who desired to show him his true identity) had embraced the identity that life had given him.

2. He let his identity shape his mindsets & actions. Therefore he desired things that were not of God because his focus was not Christ-centered but self-centered. Even in the presence of Christ and His constant teachings, our hearts and will can be turned away from Him.

3. Lastly, because of the identity he adopted, and the desires he let take root in his heart, when he finally did fall to his own snare of temptation (money: Mark 14:10-11, ) & betrayed Christ he believed it was too late for him. Unlike Peter, who after his shame in denying Christ and repentance came back to Christ, Judas did not believe in Christ' redeeming grace and mercy. Taking his life seemed like the only option open to him.

You see, Judas taking his life was not a sudden thing... Believe it or not but you begin to take your own life the moment you embrace an identity that is not your own. Yes Judas had a serious problem. He was the "problem child" of the group. He was the one that always suggested ideas out of his own self interest, but so did all the other disciples. They all had issues and sins.

Many people don't think of Judas after the betrayal but I always did. There was always this deep, black shroud that covered the pages of the Word as I read of Judas hanging himself. I wondered what his thoughts where as he prepped and tied the knot of the rope that would take his life. I wondered what he felt, how hopeless and meaningless his identity and value must have seemed to him. I see tears of shame, and a soul black with years of self condemnation and loathing. Judas must have hated himself, and I just know that he thought it was too late for him. He must have felt so alone. He must have felt that he couldn't be redeemed. He must have felt that his soul (unlike all the others) was the one soul that couldn't be saved. He had it set in his mind that he was evil. Oh poor soul. (Matthew 27:3-10)

I would like to point out something that I feel must be said. Many people look on Judas as a despicable man... How could a man betray the living God?! How could he betray Jesus with so little a price and with such a violent yet silent kiss upon the cheek? How could such a man exist? For truly, he was born a despicable man. He was definitely different than all the other men that surrounded themselves with Christ. But I write these words to say that I don't believe this to be the case. I believe the other disciples were just as human as Judas. They weren't more powerful or resistent in and of themselves. It all came to who they were putting their trust and identity in. Yes Judas was to betray Christ, just as Peter was to betray Christ (John 18:25), and just as the people of Israel (all of them) where to betray God incarnate. Yet I believe the distinguishing factor between Judas and Peter was their mindset (John 13:24-30)... Judas accepted a long time before his death that he was unredeemable. Peter desired to sit at the feet of Jesus. He desired to fight for him. Judas embraced an identity outside of the identity Christ desired to give him, and Peter desired a life in Christ. We are all despicable people. With our own brands of strengths and weaknesses, but will we allow that weaknesses that overwhelm us or let God have the control?

you ask, "well then why did Peter go back to fishing?" Well good question... Peter was so broken over his betrayal that he went back to a life that he knew before Christ. He wasn't happy in that life, he didn't embrace it. No, Peter was just settling because Christ asked him of his love (John 21:15-19). But Judas, his identity had never changed. When he betrayed Christ, it was the final move. It was the icing on the cake. It was the final moment where he realized through the flawed perspective that he had that he was no good, that he would never be any good. (This section is my own assumed speculation...) :)

So what is in your life that has you embracing the Judas complex? Do you think you are unredeemable? Do you really believe that your sins have reached the maximum amount allotted to you and Christ will have you no more? Really? Well Judas, all that waits for you with that mindset is a rope and a tree. Yet a rope and a tree is not what God has in store for you! Jesus never intended for Judas' end to involve a rope and a tree either. Jesus knew that Judas would betray Him, but I truly believe that Judas' suicide was not Christ's desire for his life. We all sin. We all fall short of the mark. For all have sinned. But there is grace and mercy. If only Judas had believed in that.

So what am I saying?
I am saying that we all have a little Judas in us from time to time, but that is a part of being human. Don't wallow, don't ruminate and build a home in a place that was never meant for you as a child of God. Yes we have times where we feel worthless, purposeless and dirty sinners meant for the pits of hell. But those moments should humble us to a place that draws us closer to Christ, not further away from him.

I encourage you brother and sister in Christ that you embrace an identity in God that is so much more than death but life everlasting! You are meant to be a worker of the gospel. You are meant to be loved unconditionally and saved undeservedly! You are meant to be kept and cherished for all eternity! You are meant to worship the living God with a song of praise and thanksgiving in your heart! You are meant to embrace a life of meaning and business in the kingdom! You identity is one of value and love, not of hopelessness or shame. And when you fall as you will (being human and all), the distinguishing factor between you and Judas will be what you do with yourself after you have fallen... Will you wallow in self loathing, accept a life of hopelessness and purposelessness, will you accept your sin as a lifestyle you can't change and then drown within a life that has no meaning, love, mercy or grace or will you turn to the only one that can save you, draw you closer to Him, heal you, forgive you and love you? He already paid the price for your sin! The deed has already been done and as he breathed deeply and painfully up there on the cross, he said, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do..." Even as He breathed his last breath, His life stood testament to a life of mediation between the Fathers justice and punishment for sin and His lovingkindness and forgiveness. Oh how blessed we are!

So what can we do when we have Judas moments? Well here are a few!

1. Embrace Christ's identity for you! His identity for the church!
2. Let your actions be a reflection of that identity! You see it most in the fruits of the spirit,  Christ love that flows out of you and into others around you
3. Lastly, always believe no matter how deep you may fall that there is grace and mercy at the foot of the cross! You are redeemable! You are loved! You are valuable!

I hope this blesses and encourages you! May God walk with you all the days of your life! :)

Embracing the Wilderness Experience

I walked into Starbucks with the sun setting, after a successful and warm nap, on this Sunday afternoon. I grabbed my iced coffee with half & half and vanilla, walked to the table i wanted to set up and sat down. It was there that I met a 34 year old mother married to a Indian Christian who is also in the military. She is going to Bible college here in Colorado and has been working on her degree since 1996. Wow! I am so proud of her. But she said something that immediately brought tears to my eyes, when reflecting on how she met her husband. . . who feels a burden for his people back in India. He said, when they met, "Life is about running the race towards Christ. No matter what happens in life, you just keep running the race with all your might. You will at times look to the left and look to the right, but no one will be there. It does not matter just keep on running! But as time passes, one day you will look over and you will see someone running in the same direction you are, and that is the person you should keep by your side for the rest of your life." I was so moved by those words! It really is true!

I am in a place in my life where God is teaching me so much about myself. I work in a daycare and I take care of one year old's all day. They are the sweetest little munchkins that you will ever meet. <3 In this time of transition, I have faced moments where I had to learn new things about myself and realize that loneliness is something that should not be feared. I am coming to a realization that loneliness is a door that brings you closer to the reality of who you are. It is in the moments of extreme loneliness where a person is faced with two very stark and brutal realities; (1) we are in deep need (more than we ever imagined) of God. This includes his love but most of all, a thriving and intimate relationship that up to that point is made clear is lacking, (2) we come to realize that we do not know who we are. It is in this moment of loneliness that we come face to face with the deepest aspects of ourselves that are usually craftily hidden behind facades and daily denials. Many times we will not like what we see. We will for the first time, see how deeply flawed we really are.

Many people in this world, when faced with these two realities, are incapable of facing them let alone getting to a point of accepting them. I think the hardest part for me as I walk through this process is accepting the reality that I am incapable of fixing any of these realities. I obsess terribly over the flaws I so starkly see stain my soul and mourn for the fact that I am flawed, but this was not God's intention for me EVER! Yet, the perfectionist in me clings to a need to be perfect, a need to fix it, a need to be correct! It removes a semblance of humility in my spirit, and holds me captive to a life that continually mourns in a constant state of melancholy. I mourn for my soul that God could so easily heal and bring closer to Himself if I allowed Him to and released control. I ask myself, "Why can't I do it?" I sit here in Starbucks (my comfort zone); surrounded with my coffee, my bible, my books and my thoughts and I ponder this question. I come to the conclusion that the Lord is still teaching me so much. He is teaching me to realize that I need Him, He is teaching me to trust Him, He is teaching me to believe in Him and His healing power, but most of all He is teaching me to find peace and comfort in the fact that I am alone and living solely in Him!

Disclaimer: This article is not a feministic piece of women's liberation from social norms and such... No! This is an article that a man can just as easily read and come to the conclusion that in times of loneliness, God is asking you, drawing you, enticing you into a deeper level with Him. Embrace the loneliness!

I am not ashamed to admit that I am lonely. I have been completely removed from my comfort zone. I have graduated college with my bachelors degree, after six years of college, I have moved back home with my mother (away from people that have grown to be family), I have hit a wall of self identity and indeed feel encapsulated in a life of repetition. I have began to question what I want to do with my life. What is my purpose? Doubts fill my head. However, as I write these words, I realize that I hold a certain level of responsibility. I am an individual that holds (to a certain extent) a level of control over how mediocre and repetitious my life is.

With the new year, I decided to read the Bible in 90 days. After a few days of reading, I came upon Numbers 14. It is about the people of Israel rebelling against God after scouting out the promised land in the previous chapter. The first thing to be pointed out is that the people's rebellion is stemmed from four things that was re-occurring throughout their wilderness travels; (1) Firstly, they continually griped and complained about the place they were in. No matter the miracles and continual provision that they were given by YHWH it was never enough, (2) The people of Israel questioned, mocked and tried to usurp the spiritual authority in their life because of pride and covetousness of "power." (3) The people did not foster a spiritual environment in their lives of faith. They were filled with unbelief in God and even before entering the promised land, were flirting with idolatry to other god's that met the needs that they thought that they needed. (4) lastly, their final rebellion was the climax of all the attitudes and actions stated above that culminated into the final state of fear that overtook their hearts.

I cannot get the words that the Lord spoke out of my head. As He heard his chosen people make plans to RETURN TO EGYPT, He says, "How long will this people despise me? And how long will they not believe in me, in spite of all the signs that I have done among them?" Can you imagine the heartbreak in God's words as He ponders how a people can be so utterly stubborn? These people cried out in anguish and oppression in Egypt. It was their cries of pain and toil that caught YHWH's heart as they were in slavery that motivated God to send Moses to save them (Exodus 2:23) Yet as they are at the precipice of the promised land. As they stand at the door of their promise. At the door of land, peace, eternal relationship with God, and many other wonderful gifts (that are undeserved); the fear of the "giants" in the land, culminated with their prolonged rebellion and unbelief caused such great fear in their hearts that they ran from the very promise and gifts of God! Yes, they had to work for their promise, yes they had to walk in faith, but they were promised to never face those challenges alone or without YHWH! They ran anyway! They ran in such fear in the opposite direction that YHWH said, "As I live (I am real, despite your unbelief) declares the Lord, what you have said in my hearing I will do to you: your dead bodies shall fall in this wilderness, and of all your number, listed in the census from twenty years old and upwards, who have grumbled against me, not one shall come into the land where I swore that I would make you dwell... And your children shall be shepherds in the wilderness forty years and shall suffer for your faithlessness, until the last of your dead bodies lies in the wilderness." (Numbers 14:28-34).

Yes, we are lonely. But I must ask you brother & sister in Christ, how much of our fear of loneliness has kept us from our promised land? We can never go back to Egypt. Never think for a moment that the world and all its oppression, bondage and abuse has more appeal than the promise of relationship, provision and miracles from Christ can give, in the place of security. In Egypt there was security in the fact that nothing would change, that they were fed, that they had a place to lay their head, but did they thrive? No... neither can we thrive in Egypt. God has asked us to trust Him to take us into a wilderness experience. He is testing, He is molding and making us into the person He would have us be when we are ready to enter the promised land. We must realize that it was the people's mindsets that held them back.

I encourage you to do five things while you wonder through the wilderness.

1. Speak positive things to life, not negativity
2. Believe that God is providing, and recognize His miracles of provision in your life.
3. Realize that there are spiritual leaders in your life that are there for your good. God placed them in your life to move you forward and encourage you. Do not covet, do not disrespect, and do not tear down the place God has put them in over your life as Christ walks with you.
4. Propagate a consistent walk of faith! The people of Israel lacked such faith and it fostered a bad attitude of rebellion and stubborness. as a result of this, they forsook YHWH and sought other god's that made them feel good. What false god's have you placed in your heart, simply because you are uncomfortable with where you are right now?
5. When you reach the door of your promise, do not run in fear but courageously believe and take a step of faith that God will continue to be with you and that though you have much work to do to attain your inheritance, God will fight for you and be with you. You must simply lift your voice in a war cry, praise the Lord most high and believe that your inheritance will fall into your hands.

If you do these things.

You will hear the words of Moses ring through your soul, "And when the LORD your God brings you into the land that he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give you—with great and good cities that you did not build,  and houses full of all good things that you did not fill, and cisterns that you did not dig, and vineyards and olive trees that you did not plant..." Deuteronomy 6:10-11

There will be blessings in your life that you did not work for! Miracles that God provided for without your prayers for them, and provision that you can never imagine. But the reality is that we must walk through the wilderness. We must draw close to the heart of God. We must desire a life that is completely and utterly dependent on Christ. We must come to a place where we trust and realize that all that God does is for our good. He is our greatest fan and He has all the power in the world to make His plans for us a reality. Embrace the wilderness experience. Learn to enjoy the quiet moments of solitude, trust that the pitfalls are character builders, that the dreams we forgot will one day rise again. Remember that pain in our sufferings are moments where God is stretching us into the person he sees us becoming later, though we cannot see it now. believe that God's promises are true. That He will never leave nor forsake us, and let us pray that through the wilderness experience we do not get to the point that we turn from the one (the only one) that desires to give us the promises and future that we desire. I am NOT preaching prosperity doctrine, I am preaching the reality that God knows the desires of our hearts, though we may not. The future is as clear as mud to us, but to Him clear as day. We must trust, despite what we see, that He has great things in store for us. Things we never expected. Do not live in fear, but expectation!

I encourage you to go and read psalm and refresh your mind on the promises of the Lord. He desires all that is good for you and in you. Take the time to remember this truth! Blessings to all!