An open Letter to my Father

Dear Lord,

Can I be real for a moment? Can I tell you how I feel?
Your word says you know my every thought (Job 42:2)
You know my every need before I ask it. (Matt. 6:8)
So I pray a letter to tell you how I feel, praying that your comfort
will begin to overwhelm. Because the truth is,

I feel like crying most days, and sometimes I feel hopelessly lost.
People tell me I am strong but the truth is that they are wrong (Psalm 38:9-10)
I have nightmares, and anxiety and I worry about what I can't control
But your word says worry for nothing, because we have Your perfect love.
I get insecure and feel down when the world takes its full toll
But your word says that trials will fall on the unjust and the just! (Matt 5:45)

Sometimes, I cry and sometimes I get mad (Psalm 69:3)
When the day is over, for hours I will just lay in my bed (Psalm 6:6)
I Wonder about life and if tomorrow I will grow weary just the same.
But your word promises strength to those who lean upon your wonderful name! (Isaiah 40:30-31)
but then I get up in the morning and decide that it is worth it
You never promised a perfect life, but You promised your perfect peace. (Psalm 29:11)

Lord sometimes I lose my faith and question your every move
But I know that in your word, faith is when I can't see those things of which I hope (Heb. 11:1)
I ask you why I feel such pain and I why I work so hard for pennies (Luke 12:28)
For weeks you may be quiet and all I will have is your Word to guide me (Psalm 119:105)
But I will be so busy and i feel week from the lack of your light.

Jesus, I know you are with me always
but many days I feel like I have failed (Psalm 38:3)
and though I try to behave my spirit gets rebellious and runs away
I tell myself that I am just human but I know its because I haven't sought you lately.

Jesus my God, you sought me from the beginning
If only I took the time to just sit and rest in your presence (Psalm 23:2)
I know I would have better days where I am lead in righteousness. (Psalm 23:3)

i look into your bible and realize that you promise me provision! (Matthew 6:25-34)
It isn't even an issue for you to supply  my every need.
here I am worrying if tomorrow I will have gas (Php 4:19)
Worrying if the bills will get paid a whole year in advance . . .

Lord, you are the Maker, you gave breath to my lungs
Clearly I need to re-evaluate the power of your strong arm! (Isaiah 40:10)
that I so blatantly cannot perceive when I let my spirit grow glum.

Lord, you are the maker, the heavens is your throne (Isaiah 66:1)
here on earth, on the footstool of the universe I pray you will continue to bless my home
Lord, my God, Creator of all the known and unknown (Genesis 2:4)
I pray you give me strength & faith to Worship and follow you for the rest of my days! (Psalm 29:2)

Make me whole by making me holy! (Romans 5:19)
Let all I desire be in your will!
For your names sake I pray I can proclaim, the gospel you've given on that precious day
Christ, my redeemer, who redeemed me from my sin (Galations 3:13)
Through your blood, His wrath was satisfied and I am made righteous in His eyes! (Romans 3:25)
Glory to the Father who sits on High, may I always remember I'm His child
and through Him I have eternal life!

By the Moor

How do I know that I know what I know?

This knowledge that I cherish without any factual flow.

It was all in the heart with each moment that has passed.

This knowing I hold even when I doubt it to the last.

It's the knowledge, the logic without the emotional inconsistency.

I ask myself and see myself responding to its continuous elasticity.

I know it to be true because even away from you I knew.

I know it to be true because when I am with you I can see it too.

All the stars, the galaxies, the suns both near and far;

and even close to home, I float in ecstasy on the moon by the moor.

I know it to be true because so many irrational insecurities take flight.

Like flocks of birds, my very body fought it out of habit but my soul was made right.

From the first time that you smiled, the knowing was truly there.

But not all suns where first breathed into existence in mid air.

They come and go at their own pace and my knowing came the same.

It came without a single trace of tangibility or flame.

I know it like I know myself which isn't very well.

But inside all your loving acts I see the wonderfully curving trail.

With each twist & turn, I see every aspect and my heart falls for it day by day

Like a flower bursting through the ground;

once only having just been a seed.

I know because the seed that burst, like new birth in the dark

became a thing of glorious beauty when it lifted high up to the stars.

Love. This love. This love I can't deny.

It is a knowing in itself; a love I could never say goodbye to

This love is deep and fulfilling and through our God is made complete.

This knowing is more than just us two, it involves the greatest love we see,

or sometimes don't see, but undeniably believe.

Love so deep and wide and thick that oceans could never hide it.

With one sigh by our Creator all truth would be laid bare before it.

This truth that I know without a doubt that leaves my heart secure.

I know, what I know and I don't know how.

But knowing is enough to keep me going somehow.

I pray everyday for blessings that have blossomed.

Blossomed with vibrant passion and poignant shy abandon.

I know this to be true because my heart warms like the younger suns.

The sun that is hot with youth as it radiates its love.

It is love like the Creator who created all that is seen.

Creating all the knowing that I know inside me.

I know, I know, I dare you to try to know.

This knowing isn't for the faint of heart it demands that you grow!

It challenges your life to go to the extreme and change yourself for the better.

Even if the better is a greater & painful pursuit of a life captivated by truth.

It changes your expectations, and sometimes your misinterpretations;

that then are placed on a shelf . . . yes a shelf, a dusty & old shelf.

This shelf of life that is on hold, not forever but for a better of your home.

We know that life is the yes & the no's but we want all the yes's without the no's.

But the no's are what strengthen you for the knowing in your soul.

This is a battle of the heart, the mind and the soul that hangs open like a gaping hole.

you kept it locked up for so long without change,

and still it waited to be hated, to be loved, and then to be hated again.

It has been used and abused. Yes, used and abused.

But in end when the stars are still there; the moon is by the moor.

It leaves your soul out to bare, and begging for more.

Your pride is hanging on a thread from the fishhook in the sky.

The knowing is still present and that knowing will never hide.

It will give you strength on the morrow to face another sun that

is shining so bright in its youth, your knowing you won't deny! 

And his advances of love, blushingly make you shy. 

I Need A Savior

Please don't pull away!
I beg you please!
It's me that is broken, not you my darling!

How could I say this?
You aren't my lover?!
You are only a reflection of the inward monster . . .

The inward monster?
Does it mean to destroy?
Does it mean to tear a part all the things that give you joy?

Yes! Yes!
It does, I can feel it!
Save me from myself,
I can hardly, I can hardly handle it.

But is the damage done?
Is there hope that can be found?
Or has the monster rampaged
and already torn apart your would be home?

No, there is hope.
She is safe in the distance.
I dare not speak of where she is preciously hidden.

Hidden you say?
Like a jewel, like a precious stone?

Yes, yes, the metal is precious in itself by her home.

Bring her to me, she is safe in my arms.
the mountains are strong, but my darling I am your God.

I dare not come out!
Don't make me reveal!
These rags are dirty and my heart I cannot feel.

I hear them whisper.
They whisper their nasty thoughts!
I promise it is not my own.
I dread them and wish them to be gone!

Heal me, Heal me!
I beg you please.
Take away this brokenness that constantly hurts me.

Peace be still.
Peace is kind.
As I whisper love into your life.
Hear the gentle sound of a loving and content mind.

Quiet. Quiet.
All is well.
I whisper in the wind
My divine will.

Everything is quieter
and love you can finally comprehend.
Bring her to me
and I promise you will be whole again.

Paper & Pen

Please save me words; my thoughts.

Confusion. confusion. confusion...

It's out of control. I have lost all sense of up and down, 

and sickly I spin round and round.

Please save me pen; on this paper you fall.

Like dread on a gavel as it confesses the law.

I wait for the sound when wood meets wood

but inside I already know the verdict as I should.

I'm broken in shreds and torn from within.

Like paper mache the pieces glued in rends.

But pieces they remain to be used and beaten.

These insides of mine have slowly been eaten.

With the acid I feel dread in my limbs.

It is playing its music through the strings of my veins.

Every aspect of my body can feel the force of it

as the answer I know runs its course within it.

Baby you ask what this thing is that I feel?

The fear in my heart that doesn't seem quite real

You ask me to tell the truth but its me I can't handle.

I lie to myself with the seconds that follow.

Meet me here, where I am, lying in my sin.

I am lying in the shame of life that kept me warm within.

The blanket has been torn back and naked is all I see.

White flesh pale in the stars

and the moon stands silent in angry freeze.

The truth? The Truth?! 

You beg me for the truth?!

Please don't make me utter what I fear I see in you!

The truth? The truth?!

The bitter ends truth?!

Don't ask me to sputter what I don't dare say to you!

I begged. I begged!

I begged on my knees. . . 

They scraped, fell raw and in pain I lay wondering.

I dare not get up, I don't deserve the honor.

But here I am in a bed of petals, lace and flowers.

warm sunlight. Sun rays are on my skin.

A soothing passion in the air, its forgiving and quite unfair.

This life that we live. . . 

This life that we breathe. . . 

We only have one chance

but if I die and fate asks me;

I'll say I wasn't given a chance to meet the sunrise

and life silently ended me before I given my sight.