Abandoned in Truth

"Preach the word! Be ready in season and out of season. Convince, rebuke, exhort, with all longsuffering and teaching. For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers; and they will turn their ears away from the truth, and be turned aside by fables. But you be watchful in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry."

-2 Timothy 4:2-5

I was a teenager at the ripe age of 13 and i was in a church that was difficult, in a home that was rough, and a side of town that was  straight up ghetto. The only godly living examples i had in my life (that i also trusted) were my mother, my assistant pastor Bro Jackson, Jodi Mcfarland, and Anthony Delarosa. These people at such a young age played a major role in why i stayed (struggled none the less) but stayed in church. However the godly living of those individuals was not enough to instill enough conviction in my own heart to live the holy life of my mother.

The problem was that i did not truly understand why the religion of my mother should be the religion of my life. I desired so deeply the experience and relationship these people had with God but beyond that i could not find that courage or knowledge within myself and i didn't have the resources at hand to figure it out. and so for many years up until i was seventeen years old i drifted in and out of church (mostly out). When i was 16 years old i was completely lost and dying within. I had ultimately given up on church and God and completely backslid into the world. Being raised in a spiritually broken family, where a mother served God, and a father that did not made living for God difficult because at a young age, you aren't sure which is the right way to live.

I remember that feeling . . . It is an empty, vacuum like feeling within your soul that you literally cannot fill with anything else. Relationships couldn't fill the emptiness, writing couldn't, art couldn't, singing couldn't and smoking and drinking couldn't. Only Christ could fill it and i didn't know how to get there. But when i did, i never desired the life of the world ever again. Because when Jesus walked into my heart, that hollow ache and emptiness literally disappeared from my life and i have never felt it ever since. so when i hear the words of todays generation, people raised in the church who confide in me and confess, "Ash i have never left the church, i don't know what it is like to live that life. All i have known is God i just want to try it once to feel what it is like. I Want To Have Fun." I looked upon these individuals with sadness and brokenness in my heart because i knew that what they desired was nothing like they romanticed it to be in their minds. I question them asking, "What is going on inside your heart and in your relationship with God that you would feel that living the life of a sinner 'just once' is okay?"

And i realized in that moment that in the 1st century all the way up to the 21st century there will always be those that have 'itching ears' for the world and will turn their hearts from 'sound doctrine' for a life of pleasure and 'fables.' There will always be those deceived by the many teachers and fables that pass from ear to ear.

"Be diligent to come to me quickly; for Demas has forsaken me, having loved this present world, and has departed for Thessalonica-Crescens for Galatia, Titus for Dalmatia. Only Luke is with me. . . At my first defense no one stood with me, but all forsook me. May it not be charged against them."

-2 Timothy 4:9-11, 16

2 Timothy 4 speaks of the struggle of solitude that living the Holy life of Christ can be. All those close to Paul deserted him for what he said was, "having loved this present world," 

I am deep in thought these past few days. Being an individual that is grounded (strongly) in my convictions i stand around as i watch people all around me give up on theirs. There is a compromise of world views that have enticed the people away from God for a life of pleasure and convenience. I am only 23 years of age in July but as young as i am, i am watching as those people that you imagined would and should be the leaders of the church are the ones that are falling to their own pleasures and unbiblical convictions. literally the many that stood with me in truth for years have now abandoned me to live a life for themselves. Now you may say, "Ash aren't you being a little melodramatic?" When I see a youth group of thirty at thirteen years of ago turn into a group of 8 to 10 people left actually living a life as a Christian i have cause to pause. Even recently watching those closest to me continually attacked by the adversary, and ultimately watching them succumb to his darts and arrows. i watch helpless on the other side as they turn from God.

I am just now learning how lonely the life of a Christian can be. For truth seems so solitary many times. But just because i don't have the crowds approval for my life as a christian doesn't mean that truth has changed. For truth hasn't changed, the people have allowed themselves to be changed. Dr Myles Munroe, In his book, 'The Spirit of Leadership: Cultivating the Attitudes that Influence Human Action, Wrote; "I believe the problem is that leadership has become a role one plays rather than a life one leads. Contemporary leaders are attempting to divorce their personal lives from their public responsibilities and their personal standards from their public lives. To many, leadership is an act, not a calling." (19-20) Just as the life of a Christian can so easily become an act rather than a calling. For the calling of a Christian is for everyone, but is rejected by so many. Where are the leaders in todays Christian church? and why do even the saints of the church feel so alone even among the crowd? For i feel abandoned in truth today. 

"But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me, so that the message might be preached fully through me, and that all the gentiles might hear. Also i was delivered out of the mouth of the lion. And the Lord will deliver me from every evil work and preserve me for His heavenly kingdom. To Him be glory forever and ever. Amen!"

-2 Timothy 4:17-18

However Paul did not end the chapter with his solitude, he ended it with an encouraging word! He said that God strengthened him, protected Him and provided for him. Though this earthly place may feel lonely, you can be assured that you are never alone in the kingdom of God. 

Now the question now asked is though i am learning the life of a Christian is a lonely road sometimes, why don't i use this to my advantage? As a leader, and as a witness, i can reach the world, and even those that have left the faith. In many ways, those that walked away where affected by dysfunctional leadership or biblical misinterpretation. Todays society thrives on a perverted and misconstrued idea of what leadership should be. As Dr. Myles Munroe Wrote, "Learning about leadership and knowing what it means to be a leader are two different things. Learning comes from education, while knowing comes from revelation. Learning is cognitive, while knowing is spiritual. You do not really change until you 'know.' Knowing changes your mind, which transforms your attitude, which, in turn, informs, directs, and regulates your behavior." (44-45) So then i propose this question, how much more would people be living in Christ if they 'knew' their potential through God's spiritual revelation. For we are all leaders of something. Some for Christ and some for themselves. I would rather be the one leading for Christ. 

The problem is that so many that  fall away are deceived by their own mindsets and even on how they perceive themselves. Feeling abandoned by God (whom they can't hear, for various reasons) feel the need to fully desert Him. Instead of taking the opportunity of the trial and adversity to grow and mature through the situation. We so easily can become dissuaded from truth, through the twisting and manipulation of language. In the very beginning, in the garden of Eden, Even Eve was deceived by Satan simply through the twisting of words. Our worst enemy is ourselves. If we cannot see ourselves as living a holy life even in a trial, or see ourselves as leaders even when we are alone then it is so easy for us to abandon 'sound doctrine' for the doctrine of pleasure. 

Leaders of Christ it is time to stand up and take claim of our minds, of our lives, and responsibility for our actions! Stop living a double life and take up the cross as Christ would have you do. we are all commissioned for His great purpose, no one is an exception. Leaving the truth does not exempt you from judgment so don't deceive yourself into thinking that you are living a life that is acceptable in His eyes. Search the word and search your heart. Only then can you become the leader God meant you to be. and maybe then i won't feel so abandoned in Truth.  

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way." -Psalm 37:23

I Am SO Blessed!

Dear Last Year,
It has been an extremely amazing and stressful year! there are so many memories that have changed, altered and impacted me. I can honestly say that i have grown and dare i say 'matured' through this year. Going to Gateway was the best experience and choice that i ever had! the professors and frens that i have had the privilege of influencing my life has made me a better person both personally and spiritually! So here is a letter to the people that have made me a better person! <3

Nanda, you are SO amazing is so many ways. I am so glad that you came into my life. You seriously saved me in so many ways. the tears that i have cried and the hysterical laughs have all been memorable and life changing. How can i put into words what you mean to me? There simply isn't enough words to portray what your friendship means to me! I love you beyond words. You are kind, understanding, loving, slow to speak and quicker to listen. You are gentle and patient. You take what i think is the end of the world and always seemed to put it into perspective. You were my get away from all the stresses of finances and work. I will never forget the late night chats, that movie that shall not be mentioned (you know where the thing ran out of batteries ;) haha! ) the beach experience and the ummm . . . well the . . . other experience at my dads where i swore over and over that i "hated you!" oh and the popcorn under your butt! lol oh my! we have so many memories! In the end, there was one thing that i know for sure! I love YOU SO MUCH! <3 Thank you for being my best friend and loving me completely and utterly for who i am good and bad.

Bex, you are so many wonderful things to me. This semester was a trial for our friendship, without Meghan we had to figure out what we meant to each other and in the end we figured out that we loved each other regardless of our faults and our strengths! You have been the gentle and logical conscience that i needed when i was getting stressed with school and finances! last year you were my reality check with boys haha! ;) How quickly we become Dependant upon people in our lives. Now that i am back home i am realizing just how special my best frens at Gateway are to me! YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE! <3 I mean it when i say you are my friend for life! i need you! And i also mean it when i say i support you. You dreams and decisions, no matter how crazy are beautiful because you dreamed them! because Bex you are beautiful! You are a strong and unshakable wave in this world and anyone you touch is changed by your love and kindness. I can promise you that i have been changed! I love you always! :)

Ruth, (and Josh) . . . (mostly Ruth lol) You guys have literally been a getaway from Gateway . . . even though your apartment is in the Gateway hallway, entering your apartment was like entering a different world of peace and quiet, of wonderful chats, (ummm unmentionable conversations ;) lol a world of wonderful things, where we could talk of anything and not be judged. I love you Ruth! i cant imagine life without you! In fact i haven't the faintest clue as to how i did so far! Your gentle spirit and iron like resolve drew me to you. You are strong willed, with opinions, convictions and no fears in speaking them and i love you for that! You have been my sanity is so many situations and i want to thank you for being that for me.
Dear Jellybean, Hi this is Aunty Ash, i love you SO much! i will be back soon to hold you, and kiss you on the forehead! don't give mommy to many back aches or morning sickness! she loves you SO much already! And i love you so much! Ruth my best memory believe it or not is when we went to the pregnancy class. It was the most amazing experience for me because i felt like i was sharing something with you that i have never shared with anyone before. You have truly honored me with you friendship! I love you always! <3

Raf, wow ur friendship seriously snuck up on me :) seriously! I did not like you in the beginning of the year and this is why: YES you are going to hear the reasons ;) firstly you are a geek!, you are dorky! loud in class, opinionated! haha! and just TOO nice! haha! but those are exactly the same reasons why our friendship is what it is today! you seriously are a blessing in my life. I don't feel so secluded in Philosophy, i am always afraid i'll be the only person speaking in a class, but this just so happens to have changed this year . . . you speak WAY MORE than me! lol I miss you tremendously! you are also a fren for life so get used to it! love you!

Meggles! I seriously miss you SO much! <3 Sometimes i just wish i could walk into your room in the middle of the night so that i can vent! You are such a blessing in my life. I wish i could have seen you more this year, but the few times i did see you seriously made my year! when me you and Bex get together it seriously feels like nothing has changed! we will always be the Trinity! I love you always! <3

Ams, You are my sister, that is even more special than a best friend but i want you to know that you really are my best friend! I love you SO much! <3 You get me! When the rest of the world doesn't understand why i cant say how i feel, or when i get to sensitive, or when i randomly start saying something random. Or especially when i say a sentence backwards from sleep deprivation, your brain doesn't even hear it backwards! our dyslexic really works in our favor :) I love you so much Sissie! i really am proud of you! you have worked so hard this year and i am the proudest big sister in the entire world. no matter where you go i want you to know that i support you and love you with all my heart! <3 I cant wait to see what God has in store for you! You sister always! ash!

And here are some memories! :)

We are crazy together! The sea really had no chance against us!

Thank You Guys For Being MY BEST FRIENDS!!!! I AM SO BLESSED!

A Giving God

He really is a giving God! What an amazing concept! :) and yet its a concept that most people 'know' and don't believe. Many people lately, with me included have brought up the  topic of how willing God is with providing for His children, or even blessing us with small things and big things such as miracles. I was reading Franklin Jentezen's book titled: "Fasting" when an interesting concept of rewards and faith are given publicly when we have a private practice of fasting.
"Matthew 6:  God delights in giving rewards. Not only that, but He says that when giving, praying, and fasting are practiced in your life, He will 'reward you openly.'" (15)

"And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly i say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face , that you fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you." - Matthew 6:16-18

Yet while i read this passage in the Bible later and also reflected on what i learned in Jentezen's book the idea of reward and building faith continued to occupy my thoughts. Why is it that we rarely 'see' miracles, or that we as a people have a hard time believing that God will not bless us?
1. We wonder why we see no miracles

Matthew 13:53-58 tells the sad story of unbelief in the town of Nazareth when He came to minister. As a result of their unbelief only a few miracles could take place. I wrote an article on miracles last year. if you want to read it here is the link: A Miracles Death. Americans so easily get comfortable in this society of food is always on the table, clothes are always on your back, public education is available, even homeless people have shelters that are available. We have gotten comfortable in a nation of lavish living, and because of that mindset of living we subconsciously do not feel any need for dependence in our creator. That was the same problem with the people of Nazareth, they felt no need or dependence for a man they 'thought they new' and as a result Jesus could not perform many miracles there.
"So they were offended at Him. But Jesus said to them, 'a prophet is not without honor except in his own country and in his own house.' (58) Now He did not do many mighty works there because of their unbelief." -Matthew 13:57-58
So you may ask what do miracles and faith have to do with fasting or even God being giving? I learned something very important about fasting. Fasting builds faith, and without faith miracles can never happen. And if a nation is more concerned with material possessions, earthly security rather than spiritual security then the fewer and far between miracles slowly seems to disappear until it literally becomes a legend or myth. For instance if you watch any health show, or medical drama (whatever the show may be) one thing that is constant is; do miracles exist? or is it the happening of extreme random chance?

and when miracles become a rarity then the question begins to form in peoples mind the second sub-point
2. A inane feeling that God is stingy is assumed (why?)

Even i, a Christian sometimes have questioned God and have asked Him if He is even "willing" to bless me. I have something written in my journal that struck me, and so i feel compelled to share it with you. Keep in mind that this was a down and low point in my spiritual walk and though it was a low point people of any nationality, race or gender would at one point ask this basic question at one point, "Sometimes digging deeper than the surface hurts to much. Because, through all the emotions; trying to define whats wrong cannot be accomplished. I know for certain that i have lost the ability to dream, in place of 'reality' where all i see are the blocks and barriers. Yes, a part of me knows that God can do anything but the other part thinks that He doesn't want to."

Have you ever felt that way? The feeling that God is completely able to create a miracle in your life (because he is God)  but deep down inside the hidden part of your heart doesn't believe that he is willing to. Why is that? Why on a certain level do we get to the point where we can no longer believe that a God that is all loving, all powerful, all gracious and merciful would not be giving? is not mercy and grace itself an act of giving. Its an act of something we most definitely do not deserve and yet we cannot believe that He is giving. . .
that brings me to my third sub point. it is a realization or a clear view into what really is happening in the spiritual world.
3. Could our blessings (already given) be held back rather than non-existent. God is wanting to release them         but. . . He is waiting on you. What is he waiting on? He is waiting for you to fast. the problem was never with God it was always with us. We are either turning from God or unwilling to listen to His voice.

I am reading multiple books these days. I strongly recommend for everyone to read them at one point. the one i am mentioning right now is titled: "The Sacred Romance: Drawing Closer to the Heart of God" Authored by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge. Now the reason i am mentioning this book is because it gives the relationship between God and Man in the view of Gods eyes. While reading this book, i become heart broken for a husband (God) that continually watches his wife commit adultery with another man.

"When we reach the prophets, we get a glimpse at what it feels like to be God. Reading the prophets, says Yancey, is like hearing a lovers' quarrel through the apartment wall. Eavesdrop on the argument and catch a glimpse of his heart: . . . I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me . . . What fault did you find in me that you strayed so far from me? You are a swift she-camel running here and there, sniffing the wind in her craving- in her heat who can restrain her? should i not punish them for this? should i not avenge myself? I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. What have i done to make you hate me so much? (From Jeremiah) . . . Return to me and i will return to you. Yet you have said harsh things about me. You have said, 'there's no pay-off in this relationship. It's not worth loving God. (From Malachai)" (79-80)

Now i don't know about you but when i read those lines i was overcome with shame. Over and over i have questioned God, "Why has this happened? why hasn't this happened?" and all along God is asking, "Why have you turned away from me? Why do you not have faith? Why do you not love me?" Can you not hear the brokenness and pain in His voice? Its a deeper loss than i can ever understand.

Another moment in my journal i was writing and just pouring out my feelings (all of it) on parchment and i felt conviction in my heart. I had a thought pop in my head, 'you say you have a hard time praying because you don't know what to say, but when i see you writing you aren't struggling at all with words." instantly i lashed out and said, "God do you want me to be lonely for the rest of my life?!" It really was a selfish thing to ask and a gentle, broken, and almost nigh uncatchable whisper washed across my soul as we said, "I just want you to love me." Oh!!! even writing this brings me to tears. That my God and Creator would be so willing to show me His desire for me is amazing. I was humbled beyond compare and still am.

Above all else God is desiring a closeness with His creation. He desires his children to want to know Him. Above all else He is controlled not by power but by love. Relationship should always come before provision. Because when you have an intimate relationship with God everything else will fall into place. How do you obtain that intimate relationship? through praying, giving, and fasting. Jentezen refers to it as the 'three fold cord' "A threefold cord is not easily broken" Ecclesiastes 4:12

I think this last quote sums up my thoughts for this article perfectly! Remember God is more than giving because He is love. He is waiting for His creation to seek Him in private before a public reward can be made. "I want you to understand that there are some 'promised lands' and some 'promises' that God has for you. In fact, we have an entire book of promises, but some of them will never be realized as long as King Stomach rules your appetite and controls your life. God had supernatural blessings to pour out on the Israelites in the wilderness, but they preferred their carnal appetites. Likewise, God wants to pour out supernatural blessings in our lives, but they will never be realized if we are not willing to seek Him in fasting and prayer." (26)

They Judge Like they are God.

Within the last twenty four hours, there has been an explosion of heated words and discussions. What i say next is not a political point of view but rather of a spiritual nature. it just so happens to involve a 'political' event. Now many of my friends have covered topics concerning the soul of Osama Bin Laden; but what i want to talk about is the condition of your heart.

lets start with the idea that every Christian holds with true conviction. The idea of grace and mercy are paramount convictions, pretty much foundations of what we believe. Salvation itself, and calvary (the first step to salvation) are based upon the idea of grace and mercy. It is the idea that one man died and rose again to bear the sins of the world and redeem us from damnation. Even, dare i say to redeem Osama's sins.

Now, what shocks me most about the general Christian public is their unrepentant hatred for a man and rejoicing judgement on this mans soul. Now this is where i usually have to install a disclaimer: I am in NO way condoning the actions of Bin Laden. In fact the terrible even heinous things that he did were inexcusable! but that is where i draw the line between politics and patriotism and scoot right into my spiritual nature. 

I am not speaking politics here. I am talking about the condition of my fellow Christians heart. It is amazing how easily the Christian communities forgot what it is to be Christian. in a way, i could say that we lost our senses. Now when i heard the news of Bin Laden's death instantly i thought, relief but immediately upon this feeling i became sad. Not for the man that he was, or even for the fact that i missed him. But because i pictured this evil man in a place that i would never wish upon anyone. Now i raise up a question for you. . . Imagine you have a son, and that son was beautiful! He used to laugh and play growing up. He really was a beautiful boy, but somewhere along the road of life something went VERY wrong. You never saw that little boy anymore. and then one day your son murdered someone, and then another, and then another. Did it make that man any less of your son? and the biggest question to ask is, did his actions make you love him any less? if you answered yes, then we have bigger issues than the topic of judgement.

God has looked at us and he used to see beautiful children. he used to walk in a garden with them and he loved watching us laugh and play. He was so proud of us, but somewhere down the short road of life something also went very wrong. Man sinned. The beauty of it is that it did not make Adam and Eve any less his children and God loved them no less either. in fact the whole bible narrative speaks of a love relationship between God and man that He is trying to bring back. But it is constantly being severed not by God but by Man! I will give examples: Moses with the law (but who broke the covenant with idolatry? you guessed it man!) Jesus Christ died on the cross on calvary (But who are the ones that refuse his forgiveness and salvation? you guessed it man!)

"This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all . . ." 

- 1 Timothy 2:3-6

Even after Christ died and a new covenant was established. A covenant where man was not bound by the law, but by the intentions of the heart man still finds a way to sin. Regardless of the condition of my heart or yours, God still desires for 'all people to be saved' what a beautiful thing. God so powerful, so mighty and strong would care so much to redeem a people that continually turn from Him. Even Christians that have found Christ and have been baptized and received the Holy Ghost has murdered in their heart, or even physically murdered, committed idolatry with their food or the cable that is never turned off, or even committed adultery with the woman or man next door. But what is most astonishing is that we who have sinned and are even sinning today would look at the news of another mans death and rejoice because he was an 'evil man' Yes he was evil but sin is sin. His sins are no greater than yours. Passing judgement on him and wishing hells fire on his soul in the end only secures a definite spot in hell for you. (Matthew 7:1)

My point is this, which one of you that so easily wishes damnation of Bin Laden's soul has looked at the condition of your own soul?

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them . . . repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. beloved never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'vengeance is mine, i will repay says the Lord.' To the contrary, 'if your enemy is hungry, feed him; is he is thirsty give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." - Romans 12:14-21

"Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgement on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. . . but because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God's righteous judgement will be revealed." Romans 2:1 and 2:5

In the end i am not asking you to feed Bin Laden or even to shelter him from the rain. All i am asking you to do is leave the judgement of his soul in the hands of the one person who really has the right to look into his heart and judge him for eternity and that is God. and lastly i am asking you to say a prayer for him. He may be dead but its never to late to pray for the eternity of a mans soul. Even for a man you dislike or even Hate (Which are other issues that should be addressed)

To be honest i would much rather be judged by God in the end than be judged by man. because the truth of the matter is that man is so fickle and we so easily turn into barbarian monsters and roman socialites that desire and crave the taste of blood by the end of the night. and sad to say but that is what we have become.