My fingers were aching from the long day of sewing on buttons, hemming pants, patching holes, and fixing seams. With each pierce of the needle into a new shirt, the needle began to become a part of me, like a third limb. My daily routine is to stand by the button machine; a 2 1/2 foot pole with a machine on top. Held in place by screws drilled on the four corners of it. It is a black machine of iron and it is manual. So by sewing the buttons on I turn the wheel and the machine buttons the buttons onto the item. So to say the least, the routine of my day is pretty standard with a pattern I run along in my mind. Without the pattern I emotionally become chaotic. I am a creature of habit, of stability and when that routine is broken I adjust as I always have but I adjust painfully and uncomfortably. But for most people this is true.
And so my daily routine was running its natural course. Every two hours I would go for a break or lunch. And then I would go to the front and see what needed to be done, and if there was nothing needing work I headed to the alterations room to catch up on the mending. I was back in the room for a couple hours. The line with mending hanging beside me just grew and grew and I was unsure as to whether I would finish it all by myself. I contemplated asking my boss to help me but knew that it would disappoint me inwardly to ask her. My fears of failure a still very real insecurity inside. We all have fears and insecurity's. I guess the only difference between confidence and insecurity is how you define it. What I deem failure by definition is not failure or weakness but rather a normal part of life's difficulties. A stumbling block if you will. But not being sufficient enough or lacking in some way makes me feel inadequate and in many ways a personal definition of a failure. Maybe its the perfectionist, or over achiever in me. Or maybe its just the part of me called "the critic" she never really stops her constant berating upon my confidence.
Either way I feel the constant pressure to make someone proud. The thought of disappointing anyone causes me great distress and in many ways wounds me deeply. However, what may be a weakness for me could be something totally different for another.
So I was sewing my little heart out. Becoming quite frustrated with a pair of pants that had huge holes in the crotch. And let me just point out. As a seamstress in training I would like to say that when your clothes wear out THROW them AWAY! I don't care if they are your favorite! Because, trying to mend these clothes that are irreparable is so difficult to do. And even if we were to patch them up, they would never look brand new. They would look tacky and aged. Okay so I am off my soap box. And so the black pair of cotton pants were the enemy of my habitual day. Going against my daily routine. By taking up so much of my brain power and aching finger's sewing skills. And as I was concentrating entirely to hard on one of the holes my coworker began to open up to me. With each story she told I sensed a little more of how much she ached within. Her husband sick, her parents passed, her struggles spiritually, her struggles at work and her fears and insecurity's in life. I heard one story after another. I was transfixed by each tale.
You see this woman, is a woman of strength. There is a solid piece of steel that rides all the way down her spine. She can lead with a force of the wind but also with the breeze of gentility. And though I would not describe her as gentle by nature, I believe that she loves deeply by nature. But we are social creatures by nature and with each tale she told I could sense a deep loss within her. A loneliness that permeated her very being with mourning and sadness. Her eyes both soft but distant. She sees everything through the grand scope of life, and though she sees the little details, the greater meaning knocks on the door of her heart.
She had told me stories all day as I mended. I began to pause at my sewing machine when she spoke. As the engine still ran and the little green monster roared and shook under my hands. The wretched black pants still in my hands as I tried to swivel the stupid patched cloth under the sharp metal needle that ached to move. But I refused to push my foot upon the vibrating pedal so that I could hear what she had to say next.
As she ended another story, she said, "these are things I used to talk to my mother about." As she turned to close a window. Her shoulders were drawn down and her body was sad. You could see that life had tired her. A stirring in my spirit whirled about in my soul and a warmth of both love and sympathy permeated my heart and chest as the words filled my mind with strength and comfort. The words were, "You are not alone." And I felt a need to say the words. For a split second my insecurity's played with my mind as I thought, "don't be an idiot, she doesn't want to hear that. She is how many years older than you?!" But I new the words needed to be said.
I turned around on my red swivel chair. The engine on my green sewing machine still growling behind me. And as I clutched the aged black cotton pants in my hands, I said softly to my co-worker's back, "you are not alone" for a split second I felt so stupid. What would she think? That I was meddling? I should never have said anything! But then she turned and with tears streaming down her pale white cheeks, her unique gray blue eyes, red rimmed and saddened looked back at me with comfort and surprise at my statement. And she said, "I know, but some days it gets so hard."
Oh, how one simple statement can reach into a persons life and change them. But we do. We can be surrounded by so many people and feel so alone. Because the intimacy that we grow accustomed to with certain individuals in our daily routine or pattern of life become a constant. But when that routine changes and that person is gone, we feel such a magnitude of solitude and loneliness that it can isolate us from even the people that are still present in our lives.
If you are a person that is also struggling with this, I want you to know that you are not alone. That though you may feel isolated emotionally or geographically from the ones you love, there is love all around you.
"Don’t you be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness." -Isaiah 41:10
I know what it feels like to see hundreds of faces everyday and feel the emotional distance and isolation from them, but then you realize that many days they are feeling the same emotional isolation in you. When I lived at Gateway, it was the first time I had ever been out on my own. It was my fourth year of college but it was my first year as a single person out and about in the world. I didn't know how to just be Ashley because I defined myself through my family. Everything I was, was defined by who I was through my family. So when I moved to Florissant Missouri, I didn't know who I was without my sisters. I didn't know how to have a conversation just as me without the constant interruptions or interjections from my sisters. I had to relearn who I was and I had to figure out what I liked all over again. It was a painful lonely process. Many days I stayed in my dorm room. Reading, doing homework, sleeping or just surfing the net. When I looked at peoples faces as I walked down the hall, I saw a distance, when I sat at lunch or in a classroom I felt the isolation as I sat alone, when I traveled with my classmates; my ipod became my best friend. But when I was alone, I yearned to feel uncontrollable laughter like I used to. I wanted to scream to the air just so that I could be heard, I wanted a hug so badly and I just wanted someone to tell me that they were there. The isolation was so intense and burdened me that I became even more anti social. I only went to dinner when I knew a few people were in the cafeteria and it wouldn't be to loud. And some days if a room became to crowded my sense of hearing would spike and a laughter that rang through the air would sound shrill and send my nerves on over drive. I would instantly enter into a foul mood and have an intense desire to escape to a place that was quieter. I learned I didn't have patience for people anymore and many times it was hard for me to hold a conversation because I felt to awkward. It felt as if everything I said held no meaning or value, or it just wasn't pertinent to the conversation itself. And to be honest there are days where I still struggle with socializing and having a conversation. So I know what loneliness feels like. Its a heaviness that even sleep can't take away. But I can't imagine loneliness plaguing me when I didn't have God in my life. That kind of solitude would have been to much for me to bear.
"Be strong and courageous, don’t be afraid, nor be scared of them: for Yahweh your God, he it is who does go with you; he will not fail you, nor forsake you."
-Deuteronomy 31:6
And so these words are for you, "you are not alone" hopefully you will realize that all those faces that look distant really are faces that are just as lonely as you are. We all desire to be noticed, to be loved, and to be social. But many times we just don't know how to go about to get it. You are not alone. Find comfort in that knowledge and your daily routine will move by much smoother and gentler. And I can promise you there will come a day where God will send you someone to comfort you, and show you that you are worth loving and your unique thoughts and habits are what make you beautiful.
God sent me Bex, Meggles, Ruth, Amanda, Arica, Rafael, and my lil sis Ams to me at Gateway and it was the best year ever! God will never give you more than you can handle. Maybe he is just asking you through your solitude to draw closer to him. To desire him when you have no one else. He wants an intimacy with you, that you otherwise would never have given him if you weren't feeling lonely. But when you are feeling lonely you can always count on the fact that God will always be present and ever involved in your life.
"for he has said, “I will in no way leave you, neither will I in any way forsake you.” -Hebrews 13:5 (second half)
So you may feel like that aged pair of black cotton pants that I was stitching up. It was so old, the threads were thin and bare. Stretched to the point of tearing but here is the reality of those pants. They were a persons favorite pair. They loved that pair so much that even though huge holes had torn through the thin fabric they still desired to wear them. Maybe through your loneliness God is just asking you to draw closer to him so that he can patch up some of the holes in your life. He loves you so much that he has no desire to throw you away. He wants to make you like new again. And though those pants I am mending will never look brand new; God is the great mender of all and when you draw close to him in your loneliness those holes won't just be sewn up, you'll be brand new. He loves you that much.
