To Know God

I came to a revelation today. I cannot adequately express how much I have learned these past 6-8 months. Life events fraught with painful shifting of the soul, healing, detoxing from bad habits and drawing into a deeper and more intimate friendship with my Creator. But today as I swung on a tire swing and allowed the Lord to silently minister to me, a thought came to me in the silence. The sun baked my skin as I spun in circles on the playground. Its simple yet deeply profound for me. As a result I  thought I would share my thoughts with the social world.

My life is what it is. I can't change it. I can't force it to be something that it isn't. However, it definitely has beautiful potential. My desire it to know God, to draw closer to Him and to learn what it is to be more Christlike. Simply put, I want to know God. If I am seeking those beautiful things then I believe that I will be in the perfect will and care of God. When you place your life in His care, completely, everything will work out to His perfect glory. I look back on my life, as i sit here, and I see a continuous desire to know God. I see a desire to be near Him and to do His hearts desire. I found myself in the past, almost always trying to SELF-fulfill those things. Instead of just allowing God to have control. For years I ran in spiritual circles. Yet the Lord had mercy on me and showed me His truth in His timing.

But in the end, the beautiful moment came. It will sound plain and uninspired I assure you. However, its beauty in my mind is so much more vibrant than the colors this language paint it. Because it is a spiritual revelation that only the soul can fluently describe. I learned to let go & trust. I saw myself in my minds eye, sitting in the present, on a timeline. It was a long white line. This timeline moved backwards 25 1/2 years and forwards into the unknown years, days or hours. I looked back into the past and saw the handprint of my influence could not touch the past. I could not change it for it has already happened. It was an intangible thing on this timeline that I existed on. Yet I could see it (remember), feel it (deeply and unbearably at times), and experience it (reliving the past) if I so choose.

It was the future that seemed so much more liberating and limiting at the same time. I reflected on it, and as I did, I noticed that the line never ended. The beauty of its potential glowed into my warm dreams, hopes and potential decisions that I would someday make. However, I could not see who I was or what I would eventually do. This was completely different than looking into the past and seeing my memories. regardless, the warmth of my future seemed secure as the endless line rolled into something rock solid. It rolled into something more powerful than any life that has ever lived or died and that is at the foot of the cross.

The cross met my life line at every potential memory, present circumstance and potential future life event. It warmed it with mercy, grace, redemption and love. It met it with beauty and grace and heated the conviction in my heart to hold fast to what I cannot see or perceive in the present. I am on the line but I am safe and so are you. The beauty of such faith astounds the heart of an individual that had never felt such safety all her life. Yet my life and all that it is rests on the solid foundation of something that stood the test of time, changed the course of time and altered all that we were meant to be. We were meant for destruction but the cross changed that. We were meant to face death but the cross overcame it. We were meant for isolation from our God, but the cross redeemed us. We were meant to suffer for all eternity but the blood offering of Christ paid the price! We are safe and secure at the foot of the cross! So why worry? If you are discontent about who you are now, find peace with God. Realize that all that we are right now is only for the present but God's potential for us is so much greater than the sufferings and tears we may endure today! Hold fast to the truth and cling to His promises. You are safe.

It is imperative that I get this point across. There is nothing you can do to change what God has ordained to happen. If you don't know how to overcome something, rest in the arms of Christ and wait for His timing. You can't force it, you can't manipulate yourself to feel differently, you can't change time or make something better or even heal yourself. No it is only God that can do these things. Trust that He is good and that He is for you. Rest in the knowledge that you are safe at the foot of the cross and your future will seem so much brighter. Quit worrying, quit thinking of things over and over and wishing and trying to change it. You can't! Just rest and wait in Him. There is peace in this. There is joy in this. There is rest and soundness in this. But it takes courage and faith to do so.

So you see our lives are exactly what they are and as they should be. They have all the glorious potential to be so much more in Christ. Not by our strength, willpower, manipulation of the heart or deception of the mind. Because that is not truly letting go and letting God. No, only a humble and trusting heart in God has the wonderful and powerful potential of being something greater than we ourselves can create. I encourage you to place yourself into the hands of a God who is the only time keeper, time maker, and life giver and life molder. He is truly my all in all. Everything that I was, everything that I am, and everything that I will be rests in Him. There is no safer place to be.

Addicted to Control

Hello my name is Ashley and I was an addict of control. 

"That according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:16-19

I want to spend a little time expressing the beauty of time. Its beautiful because it is a wonderful tool the Lord uses to grow, mature and mold his servants into the people he would have them be. I have always heard people say things like, "well give it time," or "time will heal it." However, my mind couldn't really comprehend how that was so. Let me attempt to give you a visual image detailing what exactly an individual means when they say this.

First off I must preface that time is a powerful tool because so many things change over time. Nothing is ever truly static. In the height of our situation, it is hard for us to imagine things being different than what they are in the present. It is hard for us to imagine things changing when something seems so permanent and yet as time passes (slowly and in its due course) things truly begin to change and shift. That is the beauty of life. Even life itself on earth is seasonal and is in a constant state of change.

Now back to life. When we struggle and hurt, especially when we feel that God went on vacation or is sleeping, we find ourselves wondering if things will ever change. We find ourselves wondering if things will ever get better. In that moment things seem so very permanent. Therefore a desire to take control and immediately try to change the situation by force has its appeal.

I propose to you today that it is all about mindset. You must ask yourself one simple question, "Are you willing to be changed?"
As I began this article, I began with a statement that is pivotal to this discussion, and to the question I previously posed. So how does being an addict of control have anything to do with time & change? I have (all my life) been addicted to control. I was addicted because it gave me a false sense of security and safety from others and even from God. Though at the time I did not truly realize how control bent I was on not allowing God to have control. Why did I do this? Why did it make me feel safe? Independence, strength, willpower, determination... These are all characteristics that I deemed admirable all throughout my life. Just as I viewed laziness, a lack of dreams, complacency, and weakness as terrible attributes to behold. Maybe it was the childhood that fostered perfection, or the idea of ever disappointing my father, or the mere reality that I could not face a single person ever having the control or ability to ever hurt me again. Whatever it was that propelled me forward to an addiction to control is not as important as realizing that it was a very real addiction that I not only utilized but deeply cherished. 

Here is the moment we have all been waiting for. Control is the lack of humility. It is the lack of trust and faith that despite our ability to control a life situation, we can depend on a God that not only desires to grow us but prosper us. Only time and a willingness to change can make a difference in the life of an individual that desires to become what God has in mind for them. The reality is that it is a painful process that rewires how the spirit responds to life circumstances, how the mind translates and chooses to react to the circumstance and our humble willingness to trust despite our fear and insecurity of not knowing what will happen.

I asked the question, "Are you willing to be changed?" Because when an individual refuses to let go of control and let God, it is literally like digging your heels in and never allowing good to come into life. If it is not God making the changes that only time and healing through His ministering Spirit can make, then it is not of God. Therefore life will never be what you planned. Therefore there will never be peace. There will never be joy. There will never be a deep sense of intimacy and friendship with your Creator that you so deeply desire (even though you don't realize it).

But it is a process. That kind of change doesn't happen over night. A wonderful and beautiful friend that I hold dear to my heart said to me one night, "Ash, letting go of control is little baby steps that you release from day to day. It isn't something you let go of all at once, because you realize that you won't ever completely let go." It is the everyday decision to let go of control and let God in whatever situation you are in right now. It is all you can do, but the beauty of time, no matter how long is that God changes you. He transforms you into the servant, child, heir of His kingdom that He would have you be, if you are willing. Are you willing to let go of control and be changed? It takes bravery and courage. It is the willingness to be vulnerable and open to being unsure of the outcome. It takes the courage to trust despite what you see. It is no small thing for the weak. It truly is a challenge for the warrior of God, that Christ would have you be. But it involves letting go and letting time take its time. 

This is when things start to really get tough, because nothing happens in our timing. Its the spiritual fruit of longsuffering that is fostered and matured in time of letting go and letting God. We must cling to a hope that despite what we see and feel, our future is brighter in Him because He is the one in control of it. Never be proud of a life that is addicted to control because that life will only bring deep seeded disappointment, rebellion and unwillingness to be close to anyone worth loving you. Cling to the character of God. Remind yourself of His unchanging character; which is a character of steadfast love, faithfulness, strength, justice and mercy... Etc... These characteristics will never change. Lean on this when times seem too permanent. Because though we don't realize it now, the season is changing.

"Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stays awake in vain." Psalm127:1

The Struggle of Newness

There is something so fascinating about addictions. For people addicted to something, it doesn't seem as problematic in the midst and height of it. In fact it seems like some small thing that has barely affected any aspects of her personal life. Its not the height and breadth of an addiction that fascinates me as much as the cavernous emptiness that seems to engulf her perception when she begins to detox from it. Once an individual realizes and truly perceives the depth of the addiction and how it has indeed consumed their very life to the point of self destruction; hopefully they find it necessary to remove it from their life.

When she does begin to detox from it, the empty gaping hole it leaves is most assuredly overpowering and debilitating at times. All the individual can think about is how empty her life seems without the very thing she had so unknowingly become dependent on. All life's realities are tainted by the skewed and perverted perceptions the individual had fostered for so long. A sense of immense hopelessness can easily paint her life a sordid pallor of putrid green that seems to give no semblance of life but rather death. The addiction seems so much more appealing in these times because it was by the addiction that she had begun to paint life itself the very color of her perverted perceptions.

But in the loud clamor of this great moment, a cry of agony leaps out to God for a greater meaning of healing and wholeness. She asks the most beautiful question to her Creator in this moment. Perhaps it is the one question He has waited so long to hear. She whispers in her insecurity, in her pain, her desperation and deep seeded desire for clean change, "Lord, what exactly is a clean and holy soul?" What does this look like? Lord, I have no idea what life looks like outside this muck that has been painted across my broken and bruised soul! Oh Lord I need you. This is all I've ever known.

A new seed is thus planted in the soil of desperation. A seed that takes time to grow. Healing at times can be instantaneous, but I feel at times cannot be truly appreciated if it is. It is in the struggle, the weight and battling with the angel of God that we truly find a new identity in Christ. However, as time passes and the struggle and grappling of the addiction endeavors to drag the individual back into the black mire of destruction, a small glimpse of change seems to lighten the lens of her perception. A small space within is filled with something new. Newness, health, cleanliness seems to seep into her and slowly washes away the black muck that has taken residence within. Unsure of what it is creates a deep sense of insecurity. For truly how could a woman enjoy the presence of a father, if she had never had a father to base that experience on? But something is different. She can feel it, inside like a sprout that burst through the soil that seemed so barren for so many years previously.

Life seemed painted by black and red in the past. Rage, insecurity, lust and fear were the companions of her life and they wreaked havoc on her perceptions but as time passed the Lord shed some light into the cracked and broken vessel of her soul. She looked within and truly saw for the first time how sinful, disgusting and ugly she truly was. She turned away in anger, sadness and betrayal. It seemed so unfair! For truly life has dealt her a heavy card. She couldn't bear to look within but God continued to shine the light within the dark, and look she did. She looked and saw herself for some time...

She accepted it. She accepted her sinful nature for what it was. Her past was a portrait. She was fallen, she was broken, she was every statistic they said she would be. But right in that moment, the light became blinding... So blinding! She desired more than anything in all the world to be close to God. Her one and true desire was to know Christ. To be near Him and experience the transforming power that only He could give. The cracks within her soul could not handle the pressure within and she shattered. She shattered into a million pieces! For truly in that moment she was completely broken! Yet she had not died.

She was alive! For an old wineskin cannot hold new wine. She had to shatter. She had to break! She had to hurt and she did. She reached out with a shaking hand. Tears streaked her smudgy face and a desire for a new life drove her on. A desire to know God above all other desires drove her to this whisper, "Lord, oh Lord, please hear me!" Her shaking hand persisted and as the rubble slowly came to rest upon the earth and the dust settled into silence a hand reached out, warm and strong and pulled her up out of the destruction of what once was. She was never a victim, she was always meant to be a conqueror, a joint heir in Christ, a new creature. She was called to be justified, redeemed, holy and set apart. But she had to break first.

In that moment what seemed empty and cavernous without her addiction. Now only seemed like a suffocating fog that desired to kill her potential and bind her future. There was no longer any pleasure or beauty in its appearance. Instead life is filled with something new. She can't quite name it but it feels familiar as if it had always desired to fill her. She knew His name and she new His voice. It was familiar. Her soul was something new. She was clean, whole and pure and she had no other to thank than her savior. Her Lord, her lover, her Father and her Friend.