My Season for Spring

There are times in my life where it seems a fog has rested on the recesses of my mind.
it isn't a fog of confusion. it seems more of an intentional mist that numbs my emotions.
many times i cannot seem to translate the feelings within
and like a spinning top it seems to turn and turn inside me without any clear definition.
i catch myself resting my chin on my hand, leaning forward in a chair with my fogging thoughts reaching far into the deep as a glazed look covers my eyes.
What is it that i am thinking? Am i lonely? Am i searching for purpose? Am i seeking personal definition? In the grand scheme of life, your have more confidence when you know where your feet are landing
but in the fog many times you cant see the ground in which you walk. Right now the ground seems unclear and the fog in its chilly mist is cool to the skin.
I catch myself thinking random phrases like, "If you want to change, you need to make the change happen." or "Its not the intent of the heart that gives a person motivation but rather their will."
I ask myself how strong my will really is to be proactive in this life.
I get so comfortable with the fog many times that i sit on the unclear ground, where i was once walking, and with my knees crossed just deeply breath in the mist. I can feel its undefined emotion fill my lungs and i contemplate on its ambigious nature.
Why do i do that?
All around me the landscape ahead and behind me is foggy, the edges are blurry. my peripheral vision is unhelpful and i wonder where i am. in those moments i realize that without real personal purpose i drift into the fog. its a slow drifting. a sliding of the heart.
It is a complacency that makes the ground muddy with its disappointments. and i begin to trek along life with an emotionless demeanor. can the fog lift, or is it there forever?
I always forget that life is full of seasons. The winter will not always nip at my toes, just as the summer sun will not always bake my skin.
But, when you are in that season, experiencing the heat in its most intense moment, always feels like an eternity even if it is but a few seconds.
the fog of my mind is only in a season, and soon enough spring will dance in the morning light. i'll hear the baby birds in their nest, and the grasshoppers in the grass. the light will pierce the ambiguity and give clarity to the numbness.
its only a season
and seasons come and go
its the beautiful thing about life, it can always change
Spring come quickly and clear the fog
Because its my season for spring

It was Another Ashley Moment

I was sitting in my room one night. It was pretty late, considering my moment of insanity this could explain the irrational act. I was on the computer, googling teaching jobs in Korea. Some are not aware that i want to teach English as a second language in Korea after i graduate. And so to be proactive in that endeavor i was reading up on the steps you need to take to go overseas and all the paper work it involves with the country and the employer.

I was on a particular website, reading the words of a grumpy old man talking about the entrance and hiring process and how he is tough on the entrance steps. :) and my eyes wondered to the side of the screen in which i saw a korean dating site, and instantly the thought popped in my head.... REAL KOREANS! I can talk to them! and without any second thought, caution or moment of sanity i clicked on the advertisement. The emotion of excitement overcame me and in a moments haze and haste i filled out the new membership part and loaded a pic of myself. It wasn't until twenty minutes later after my profile was set up, my page was beautiful and i took the personality servey that i paused. My fingers froze over the keyboard, i sucked in a deep breath, and looked to my age old Gateway ceiling and said out loud, "Ash! What are you doing?!"

It hit me in that moment that I had joined a Korean singles site, and im not even Korean. eh.... I realized in that moment as I saw my mothers face in my head. No wonder, nothing her children does, surprises her anymore. We do some pretty crazy and random things and for the most part dont even realize it! My poor mother

I began to look back on my track record of stupid things i have done that made sense in the moment.
1. Going to a priest for confession
2. Playing Soccer to play with my African man fren ;)
3. Going on a 'spy mission' to sneak up on a dungeons and dragons (those kind of people) costume party. haha!
4. Going through all of a walmart asking every man how tall he was, and if i could stand next to him if he was 5'6''

These are but a few of what i can think of. However, i feel as if my point has been made. Do these examples make me seem strange :) most likely. I think, on the surface what seems at first strange when explained the intentions give clarity. In all of these examples i had a reason as to why i did something. However, i realize that in those moments rationality for an inside need for answers were more paramount to me. I have come to call these beautiful moments as Ashley moments. because these are Ashley moments in which only i could have come up with.

I havent deleted my Korean profile :) haha! not yet. Because there are some cute Koreans on that website. But the questions begs to be asked, "What have i learned from this experience?" and the beautiful thing about my Ashley moments, is that i always ask myself this question afterwards. Why did i do it? and what did i learn from it?

This is what i learned. I learned that in times like that moment, you just gotta let life be slow. Don't try to rush the future. because in many cases (if not all) it can't be done. Sometimes i am to eager for the future to get here that i forget the beauty of the moment in which i breath. I am so excited about getting my TESOL certification and graduating. I am so excited about going to Korea and teaching English. I am SO excited about taking in the people, culture, music, and FOOD :) I am just excited! that i realize i can get carried away. If i would just lift my eyes and look out the window i could see a majestically unique landscape that God has blessed me to experience. I can see friends that God has put in my life and i can hold and love unconditionally family that has always  been there for me in this moment. I learned to just live life for the now and wait for the future to meet me here.

and as a disclaimer: I sincerely, did NOT join the website to find my 'true love.' The thought did not even cross my mind until after the profile had been made and i realized on what website i was on. I just wanted to talk to a Korean lol . . . I know it sounds silly. And it is. :) but that is just the beauty of being Ashley. Sometimes i do silly things without thinking.

THE END.