What is your God given gift?

I am so grateful that God gifted me with the gift of writing. There are times in life when my writing reminded me of past experiences, mindsets or spiritual lessons. I remember a time when I was reading over my old works and I came across one of my articles that I had written as a freshman in college. I read over the words that I felt so deeply to write and just began to cry. God had used me to write an article that I had written at 19 years of age, so that it would be waiting for me as a 25 year old that was struggling with that very topic. I have often said that if no one in the world ever reads my writing, I know that God has used this ministry to teach me through my own writing. I remember sitting there on my laptop, in my jammies, not fully grasping spiritually what I was writing but knowing that it was from God. No I didn't know what it was to struggle with that topic or to battle the things I was writing but I knew that it was true and that God was prodding me to write it. As I read it years later, I identified with the words so deeply and was so immensely impacted by the conviction that I knew I felt in those words.

I have always endeavored to be as transparent with my writing as I possibly can. I have always felt a special place in my heart for the broken. For some reason, it is the broken that my heart reaches out to. Their silent suffering, their trials that seem never ending and their helplessness draws me to a place where I feel compelled to be a practical help in their life situations.

This is where transparency comes into play. I am a leader. I have a deep passion for the broken. I have a deep passion for ministry and my relationship with my Creator. But, I too have faced deep brokenness. I have faced emotionally and spiritually cripalling experiences that have bruised me deep within the soul. In these moments, it was not easy to bounce back from the pain and flounder off into the distance as a joyful, happy and peaceful minister of the Gospel. I laid there shell shocked and motionless. All I could do was lay there. Does this news of brokenness somehow exempt me from ministering to the broken? No, in fact it draws me to a place of appreciation for those that are still suffering. It draws me to a place of deep empathy and conviction that though they may be shell shocked and motionless now, if they keep holding on, they will make it. There is hope in this statement. There is faith in holding on and hoping.

Dan B. Allender, wrote two books entitled, "Leading With A Limp," & "To Be Told." In my transparency, I revealed a brokenness that I am just now recovering from. However, recovering from brokenness does not somehow exempt us from the work of the Kingdom. I think that many times we place ourselves on sabbatical. I will say, however, that there are times where due to positions, certain situations and the gravity of its influence, a minister should remove themselves from certain position to allow proper healing and to work towards conflict resolution. However, if it is not a struggle that morally conflicts with a position of leadership then the real struggle is to lead and battle at the same time. So many people have the privilege of battling without the leadership aspect. It is so easy for so many people to put themselves into a spiritual timeout. They just shut down and take a break to conserve all their energy on self. Even when I have placed myself purposely out of a role of leadership, I could not escape the call. The Lord always finds you when He knows He has a plan for you. And you ALWAYS seem to find yourself back in leadership. Don't fight it, just accept what God is preparing for you. Fighting only makes it worse... Ask Jonah. At the end of the ride he still ended up in Nineveh. God has always reminded me of this truth through my writing. If all other ministries in my life were to conclude I know that my writing ministry would not.

I pray that my writings can be an encouragement to those that wonder, question and hurt. Those silent sufferers that know that they are meant for more than they have allowed themselves to live. God has more faith in us that we do in ourselves. He prepares us in strange and unique ways. Each of us is loved and dealt with uniquely by God. Though I am grateful that God has given me the gift of writing. The older I get I recognize that my writing has also been a ministry to me. God has spoken to me over and over through works I had completed years prior. I want these words to be that kind of encouragement to others when they themselves have life crises, feel a call from God but aren't sure how to proceed, or just feel comforted in the fact that we are living daily and many times ordinary human experiences while also searching for meaning in an all powerful and mighty creator! No matter the situation, I pray that people are blessed by the ministry the Lord has given me and also feel inspired to discover the ministry God has blessed them with as well.

Are you a future writer, Sunday school teacher, bible teacher, preacher, theological educator or missionary? Whatever the call may be, it is unique and beautiful because it is a gift and a talent that was blessed by God and given especially for you! Discover your gift and start to use your wings. You never know how high you can fly until you actually try.

Please be blessed!

It Is Okay To Be Desperate

Yesterday night, my church had its monthly leadership meeting and pastor showed an impacting video about suffering and its correlation with our relationship with God and our dependence on Him. The root of the message was not suffering, or leadership, or success... No the root of the message was tied to man's need of God and our trust in Him.

The woman in the video has been paraplegic for 45 years. I'm not paraplegic, but just as everyone has their struggles, I do as well. She described a time of intense suffering. A time of which life seemed so dark and all questions seemed to be left unanswered. Nothing made sense. Life had no meaning and death seemed so much more appealing. She talked of a time when she professed to be Christian but admitted that she didn't truly know Christ personally.

I cannot express how much of an encouragement it is to know that I am not alone. The number one tool of the enemy is emotional and physical isolation. If the enemy can get you to believe that you are the only one feeling this way, struggling in this way, suffering in this way then you are more likely to pull away in pain, discomfort and anger. Loneliness is a painful experience that if channeled right and responded to correctly can draw you closer to God. However, the majority of time, it propels people towards sin, bitterness and isolation.

No matter the life situation. It is OK to be desperate for God. In fact i would encourage it! It is better to be desperate for God than to wholeheartedly pursue coping mechanism and addictions as a means to appease the pain within. Yes we have our mountain moments and other times we have our valley moments. In the mountain moments we aren't as desperate for a touch of God. We aren't as desperate in our need of His love or relationship. Our daily devotion and gratefulness isn't always the first fruits of our day. But in the valley it is.

This woman has been paraplegic for 45 years! After 45 years she still has many mornings where she cannot bring herself to smile, enjoy life or get up in the morning. She has a friend brush her teeth and dress her everyday. That is a daily, humbling, human experience. It is no wonder that she doesn't want to face the day. I am an individual that struggles with depression and overcoming my childhood abuse and trauma. Mine is little in comparison to the struggle she faces everyday. But the truth is that there are mornings that I find it hard to get up in the morning. I find it hard at times to smile and see the brightness and potential in life when everything within me seems so gray. It is hard for me to feel good about living when I wake up and relive a flashback that washes over me and spreads like fear over my skin. No it isn't easy.

However, it is OK. In our desperation. In our pain. In our daily trials of just making it through, it helps us do one thing and that is depend on God with all we have. She is right. I can't lift myself up out of a painful flashback from the past, from the pain that seers through me like a soul killing knife, just as she can't lift herself out of bed by her own strength. But there is one who can and that is our God. We need God whether we realize it or not. In the mountaintop experience it is harder for us to recognize it, but in the valley our dependence in our Creator is absolutely essential.

In the midst of unanswered questions and pain that seers through you day by day, trust God. Know that the pain will not always go away when you tell it to, but accept that in the midst of pain that endures for what seems like forever is meant to draw you to God. I think the hardest part for me to learn was realizing that just because I know what is wrong and why I am in pain, doesn't mean that I will feel better that instant. There will be times a flashback will wash over me and I will be miserable, but crying, praying and resting doesn't mean I will instantly empty of the bad feelings and instantly fill with amazing feelings.

I will find a confidence to rest in God through the pain. What it does mean is that in my pain, as I cry and pray, I consciously make the decision to trust that God knows what he is doing and that it is for my good. Just as the lady in the video will not be instantly healed and able to walk just because she trusts God and has worked through the painful memories of breaking her neck in a swimming accident. We must be willing to let life work its heal process in us over the course of time. We cannot rush the work of God.

God loves those that are humble and in need of Him constantly! Those that wholly depend on Him have the greatest joy and peace than those that live in their own strengths. I think that the story of Gideon (Judges 7) is a prime example of how God uses human weakness to showcase his greatness and might through a super natural victory. If we allow Him to work in us by trusting Him, resting in Him, we too can watch the greatest victories take place in our lives simply by allowing God's glory and might to work through us. Human strength. My strength. Your strength is too limited, but Gods strength can move mountains. Wipe out enemies by the thousands with a single breath and create the universe with a single word. Don't box your God but allow Him to shine in your life.

Read Judges 7 and let it be an encouragement to you in your struggle! Many blessings!

Little Epiphanies & Love

This past year has been a life journey for me. I find myself on occasion reflecting on the different places that God has brought me. In many ways I am so grateful that I have learned so much and in other ways I am still within the thick of a struggle. I will be 26 years of age in about a month and a half. This of course is strange to me. I'm not quite sure how I feel to be in the latter end of my twenties. However, time cannot still or stop; so I suppose I will have to get over it. However, as a female, with ministry aspirations, with a bachelors in theology, and unmarried. There has, in the past, been a stigma for Pentecostal women that remain unmarried. This of course weighed heavy upon me when I hit 23... I'm not quite sure why it was that year that it did.

However, three years will soon have passed since that fateful melancholy day when it struck me that I was an old hag. needless to say, I look back and I realize that my perspective on my marital demise was rather dramatic. The simple truth is that if I had been married at 23 I would not have been ready. If I had been married last year I would not have been ready either. Yet, I had rationalized in my mind that the only door to ministry would be through my husband. I kept waiting to find the "perfect" husband that would define for me what my future ministry would be. I would like to preface by saying that I didn't conscientiously think this, but on some level I kept waiting. I think that many women do this very thing. We know that God has given us a passion to serve in His kingdom.We know that the personal call He has given is very real. But we are not certain of how it will all play out, especially, considering that many doors are not quite open to women in ministry in the local church. This, for many women, can be quite the kill joy. I have been blessed with a church that affirms my call and allows me to minister in avenues that I find God has given to me as gifts. I work with children and children's ministries and I help with missions.  

This past month, a book that has changed my complete perspective on marriage, relationships, and divorce is a book by David P. Gushee, entitled, "Getting Marriage Right: Realistic Counsel For Saving & Strengthening Relationships." Many at my church find it amusing that I read books on marriage, yet am myself unmarried. However, as a child that comes from a broken family, I believe that is what stems my fascination with marriage & relationships. I didn't know what a happy marriage looked like. Or at least I am learning a little more as I have opened my heart to it. A year and a half ago, I could honestly say I knew nothing of a functional marriage but God has slowly, through people and resources, revealed to me what Godly marriage is meant to look like. I believe that due to this revelation of biblical marriage my once romanticized view on love and marriage has been squashed in the dirt and pulverized into dust. I still am at heart romantic, but my view on love has changed from unrealistic expectations to true & biblical expectations.

Gushee, in his book covered on the topic of modern "romance" and the belief of secular views on "soulmates." There is a quote that absolutely crushed any semblance of "modern romance" that I had left, when he wrote, "And yet the concept still resonates with us (concept of soulmates). We want to find someone who is a true match for us, a partner for the journey, a companion for the soul. If so, I suggest that we redeem the concept in this way. The true soulmate should be understood as a person who serves and worships the same God as you do, who yokes her life together with yours in a shared mission, who walks by your side in a companionship of labor and love designed by the Creator, and whose covenant commitment to your marriage cannot be shaken despite seasons of conflict and sorrow. Blessed is the one who finds such a partner" (Gushee, 125). I read this passage over and over and let it sweep over my dramatized and overly eccentric idealizations concerning romance and I realized that I was looking at the wrong things. I was waiting for all the gushy and warm feelings. I was waiting for all the outstanding displays of affection and romantic inclinations. I was waiting for it to be a constant high that never died, at least not until the average statistic of time (2 years) when marital bliss has reached summation.

Furthermore, I think the greatest realization that resulted from reading this passage was the line, "who yokes her life together with yours in a shared mission." This line rolled on and on in my head and it hit me that I can never truly feel absolutely confident about a relationship if I am not confident with my identity in Christ & with my life and purpose. Perhaps many have gotten by, or accidentally fallen in love with an individual that happened to seek the same life goals. Or the cold reality is that too many people simply came to a point where they didn't care and settled. I look at myself and I see a woman that knows the things she enjoys but can't quite define what her mission is. This didn't upset me. I am fine with not knowing, but it did draw from within me a desire to not seek someone else to love, but rather a desire to know who I am. I don't mean go on a spirit walk and discover myself, or endeavor to come to a place where I genuinely love myself. All those things are beside the point. I need to discover who I am in God. My mission in the kingdom involves me knowing who I am in Christ, recognizing the gifts & passions that he has given me, and knowing God on a deep and intimate level. No, no one is perfect when they get married but if you can find someone one that loves the same God, has the same mission as you do, who is selfless and a hard worker, and who is deeply committed to the relationship, then those are things that you yourself must know as well. The street goes both ways. Don't expect things from others that you aren't willing to do yourself.

This of course is easier said than done. But I pray that God gives me the strength to seek Him and truly listen to the only voice that can guide me. I have a mission. I have a purpose. I just have to be brave enough to recognize it and ultimately seek it.