Because I, this poor one,
love beautiful Natasha,
snow falls thickly tonight.
As for loving Natasha, I do,
and as for the snow, it falls thickly as
I sit sadly alone drinking soju.
As I drink, I think-
Natasha and I,
in the evening as snow piles up deeply, we will ride on a
white donkey.
into the mountain. Let’s live in a grass hut deep in the
mountain village where
the echoes murmur.
Snow falls thickly, and
I think of Natasha-
no way she won’t be coming.
She has already come quietly and talks to me inside.
Going to the mountain is not surrendering to the world,
but
leaving it and all its filth.
Snow falls thickly,
the beautiful Natasha loves me,
and somewhere a white donkey may cry for joy of this
night.
-Baek Seok (North Korean Poet)
This poem is so beautifully melancholy yet equally balanced with committed love and devotion. the longing for his lover is so apparent. I can feel the desire and pull through his words! how beautiful!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
At the Park
With a chilled green iced tea from Starbucks, black wayfarer shades, pen and paper, my handy dandy computer, my rainbow polka dotted backpack and my homework spread out about me. With all those things I successfully feel like a college student as I sit at a little round table outside Starbucks. K-pop music plays in my earbuds as i read my online homework about "Ethics in Leadership"
I catch myself lifting my head every few minutes pondering the little things in life. I ponder things such as laughter, happiness, life, time, purpose. I wonder why I think of these things at such a young age. Is it ok to think of these things before my retirement? I don't know, but I do. I wonder what destiny holds, or what life holds concerning purpose. I wonder why certain things happen to people, why there is pain in the world. Why tears exist and how unfair life can be.
These are strange thoughts that pass through my mind. This goes to show how distracted I can get when reading case studies on organizational leadership. :) blech.
I have been pretty grumpy these days. I get grumpy when I am disturbed in my soul. That's when I know something deep within me is stirring and in pain. And there is most definitely a stirring.
Here is the truth of the matter. My motivation for actions in my life (no matter what it is) is driven by convenience, the path with least resistance and confrontation. Because, the thought of feeling anything that hurts many times is to much for me to bear. An example for the present would be my iced tea. My fingers are chilled at the tips from my iced tea and I am uncomfortable, but the slight discomfort in the end is worth the sweet taste of the tea.
I remember the most intense pain I have ever felt, it was when I was young and I was swinging in the park. I used to love to swing as fast and hard as I could. I would swing with all my might until it felt that the swing would flip me over the bar. It was exciting and exhilarating to feel as though I was flying. But as I began to grow overly ambitious I felt confident enough to lift my feet straight up in the air when I swung forward. I did this over and over! it was so fun to see the sand on the ground as i lifted my feet as straight and as high into the air as I could. My brown hair would sweep the sandy ground as I flew by, with each swing, and the warm breeze ministered to my young heart. I was carefree. but I began to get to confident and as a result I cared less about safety. With each swing I grew more careless and before I knew it i had landed roughly and firmly on my back and all the air was knocked out of my lungs. I had hit the ground so hard, that for seconds, if not a couple minutes I could not move. Breathing seemed impossible, and my chest seemed to have lost the ability to capture anything worth saving me and my very bones screamed out in protest from the impact. I laid on the ground immobile and writhing within. The most heartbreaking truth of this story was that no one was there to save me. I was in pain alone. The pain was so intense. I remember thinking, "Oh the pain! Stop the pain." and later (at such a young age) I pondered the measures it would take to never feel that pain ever again. The few moments of pain for me wasn't worth the endless hours of fun I gained on that carefree day at the park. I learned through the years to be careful, and in some ways to never take chances, because if I did, I could end up hurt.
Now I am perfectly content with swinging ever so slightly on the swing. I enjoy watching my feet sway back and forth across the dirt as the creak of the chains sing a song to me. I especially enjoy those quite swings at night when I can look up to the sky and see the innumerable amount of stars twinkle down on me. That is when I feel lovely peace. But how much of that enjoyment comes from precaution. Have I just conditioned myself over the years to enjoy a few moments of swaying my feet, when I could enjoy the full potential of flying into the sky? Am I holding myself back simply because I fear feeling pain again? I ask myself this question in true wonderment.
yes my iced tea has watered down, and the sky has darkened. The breeze has picked up and my homework still lies unfinished. But this question still troubles me. With recent death all around me, I have revisited this question out of concern for myself. Ashley maybe it is time to swing with all your might. Maybe, it's time for you to take a chance and throw your feet straight into the air. Don't fear the consequences because the swing can only take you so high, just as the fall can only take you so low. there is a limit to both. It's time to swing with free abandon. It's time to set yourself free.
I catch myself lifting my head every few minutes pondering the little things in life. I ponder things such as laughter, happiness, life, time, purpose. I wonder why I think of these things at such a young age. Is it ok to think of these things before my retirement? I don't know, but I do. I wonder what destiny holds, or what life holds concerning purpose. I wonder why certain things happen to people, why there is pain in the world. Why tears exist and how unfair life can be.
These are strange thoughts that pass through my mind. This goes to show how distracted I can get when reading case studies on organizational leadership. :) blech.
I have been pretty grumpy these days. I get grumpy when I am disturbed in my soul. That's when I know something deep within me is stirring and in pain. And there is most definitely a stirring.
Here is the truth of the matter. My motivation for actions in my life (no matter what it is) is driven by convenience, the path with least resistance and confrontation. Because, the thought of feeling anything that hurts many times is to much for me to bear. An example for the present would be my iced tea. My fingers are chilled at the tips from my iced tea and I am uncomfortable, but the slight discomfort in the end is worth the sweet taste of the tea.
I remember the most intense pain I have ever felt, it was when I was young and I was swinging in the park. I used to love to swing as fast and hard as I could. I would swing with all my might until it felt that the swing would flip me over the bar. It was exciting and exhilarating to feel as though I was flying. But as I began to grow overly ambitious I felt confident enough to lift my feet straight up in the air when I swung forward. I did this over and over! it was so fun to see the sand on the ground as i lifted my feet as straight and as high into the air as I could. My brown hair would sweep the sandy ground as I flew by, with each swing, and the warm breeze ministered to my young heart. I was carefree. but I began to get to confident and as a result I cared less about safety. With each swing I grew more careless and before I knew it i had landed roughly and firmly on my back and all the air was knocked out of my lungs. I had hit the ground so hard, that for seconds, if not a couple minutes I could not move. Breathing seemed impossible, and my chest seemed to have lost the ability to capture anything worth saving me and my very bones screamed out in protest from the impact. I laid on the ground immobile and writhing within. The most heartbreaking truth of this story was that no one was there to save me. I was in pain alone. The pain was so intense. I remember thinking, "Oh the pain! Stop the pain." and later (at such a young age) I pondered the measures it would take to never feel that pain ever again. The few moments of pain for me wasn't worth the endless hours of fun I gained on that carefree day at the park. I learned through the years to be careful, and in some ways to never take chances, because if I did, I could end up hurt.
Now I am perfectly content with swinging ever so slightly on the swing. I enjoy watching my feet sway back and forth across the dirt as the creak of the chains sing a song to me. I especially enjoy those quite swings at night when I can look up to the sky and see the innumerable amount of stars twinkle down on me. That is when I feel lovely peace. But how much of that enjoyment comes from precaution. Have I just conditioned myself over the years to enjoy a few moments of swaying my feet, when I could enjoy the full potential of flying into the sky? Am I holding myself back simply because I fear feeling pain again? I ask myself this question in true wonderment.
yes my iced tea has watered down, and the sky has darkened. The breeze has picked up and my homework still lies unfinished. But this question still troubles me. With recent death all around me, I have revisited this question out of concern for myself. Ashley maybe it is time to swing with all your might. Maybe, it's time for you to take a chance and throw your feet straight into the air. Don't fear the consequences because the swing can only take you so high, just as the fall can only take you so low. there is a limit to both. It's time to swing with free abandon. It's time to set yourself free.
Monday, May 21, 2012
An Apology to The Cliche
How do you begin an apology? How do they all sound to the ear? empty? half truths? White lies? Or sometimes can they really be deemed as sincere and full of remorse? I have been pondering life lately, and i believe i need to apologize to myself. I believed when i had written "Goodbye to the Cliche" that it was in all unbiased sincerity the only way to survive the past by forgetting it. but i learned that just because the cliche could not be real in the past doesn't mean the future doesn't have the potential for it.
Many times i catch myself looking at my life from a mirrored lens that has already aged and withered. But if that were the case, my skin would be wasted away already, and years of disappointments would have left its mark on me much deeper than it does now. I forget many times that in the now, in the present i hold the power to make the beautiful cliche a reality.
I can have the porch swing. I can have a husband that kisses me before work, and have a ranch home that looks out across half an acre of land :) I can make as much iced tea i want and sit with my children and listen to them laugh. I can buy the baby clothes and do my daughter's hair. I can have the cliche! It's up to me to believe that all that can come true. If i don't want a husband that yells at me and doesn't respect me then i won't marry a loser. i will marry a wonderful man of God that serves him with all his heart and has a heart to hear me and respect me enough. I can have reading hour, and cook him dinner (not around a tv, but at the table) I can have all that. I don't have to give up the cliche simply because I have never had it before!
and so i apologize to myself for believing that those beautiful things can't come true. I apologize for setting limits on myself. I apologize for being the pessimistic me :)
I FEEL BETTER! :)
Many times i catch myself looking at my life from a mirrored lens that has already aged and withered. But if that were the case, my skin would be wasted away already, and years of disappointments would have left its mark on me much deeper than it does now. I forget many times that in the now, in the present i hold the power to make the beautiful cliche a reality.
I can have the porch swing. I can have a husband that kisses me before work, and have a ranch home that looks out across half an acre of land :) I can make as much iced tea i want and sit with my children and listen to them laugh. I can buy the baby clothes and do my daughter's hair. I can have the cliche! It's up to me to believe that all that can come true. If i don't want a husband that yells at me and doesn't respect me then i won't marry a loser. i will marry a wonderful man of God that serves him with all his heart and has a heart to hear me and respect me enough. I can have reading hour, and cook him dinner (not around a tv, but at the table) I can have all that. I don't have to give up the cliche simply because I have never had it before!
and so i apologize to myself for believing that those beautiful things can't come true. I apologize for setting limits on myself. I apologize for being the pessimistic me :)
I FEEL BETTER! :)
The Grey Door Called Death
Sometimes when I think of death, I think of a grey door that is cracked open. One side of the door is dark and shadowed while inside streaming from the crack is light that is radiant and bright. But i stand at such a distance that I cannot see the mystery of where that light comes from. Many times I have wondered what it would be like to finally turn the door knob and open the door wider. I wonder what it would be like to have that white radiant light warming my cheeks as it touches my face. But there is a mystery of death that no living soul can fully understand. There are certain aspects we can grasp but as a whole we cannot touch the door, nor enter it because we are living.
Tonight I lost my Papaw and last week my dear friend lost her husband. But i didn't find out about his death until tonight. And as a result it turned into a double blow. I know they are both in better places but my heart aches and i wonder about that door.
I wonder why when I think of death I see a door. something that is so final yet full of potential. It is simply a door. A way of passage from one side to another but in passing through, you experience two different and completely unique settings. I miss my Papaw, but most of all I wish my mommy wasn't crying. I wish, she didn't have to experience the pain of 'losing someone.' Just as I wish I could heal the pain of Linda losing her precious soulmate. Through their pain and loss i ache just as deeply and I find myself once again contemplating the grey door called death.
The problem with this special door is that for the most part, once you step through you cannot come back. And a person's soul that once inhabited flesh now just becomes flesh. Empty, soulless, and quiet. I think that is the most perplexing aspect to me. Not death itself but rather the emptiness of the person once they are gone. That i think is the most painful part. Knowing that though that body may look like your loved one, may still feel or smell like him or her, it isn't them anymore. Yes I think that is the most painful part of all.
And I wish many times humanity didn't have to experience that kind of disconnect. And so i resolve to continue to see the grey door, cracked open, and I still wonder what lies on the other side. But as usual I sit here broken and mystified.
Tonight I lost my Papaw and last week my dear friend lost her husband. But i didn't find out about his death until tonight. And as a result it turned into a double blow. I know they are both in better places but my heart aches and i wonder about that door.
I wonder why when I think of death I see a door. something that is so final yet full of potential. It is simply a door. A way of passage from one side to another but in passing through, you experience two different and completely unique settings. I miss my Papaw, but most of all I wish my mommy wasn't crying. I wish, she didn't have to experience the pain of 'losing someone.' Just as I wish I could heal the pain of Linda losing her precious soulmate. Through their pain and loss i ache just as deeply and I find myself once again contemplating the grey door called death.
The problem with this special door is that for the most part, once you step through you cannot come back. And a person's soul that once inhabited flesh now just becomes flesh. Empty, soulless, and quiet. I think that is the most perplexing aspect to me. Not death itself but rather the emptiness of the person once they are gone. That i think is the most painful part. Knowing that though that body may look like your loved one, may still feel or smell like him or her, it isn't them anymore. Yes I think that is the most painful part of all.
And I wish many times humanity didn't have to experience that kind of disconnect. And so i resolve to continue to see the grey door, cracked open, and I still wonder what lies on the other side. But as usual I sit here broken and mystified.
Monday, May 7, 2012
In the Life of A College Student
The library smells of seasoned books.
Parchment like wine, aging at its finest
as i take in a deep breath and allow the dust and ink smells to fill my lungs
i feel motivated enough to cross to the other end of the building to search keywords on the decrepit old sand man computer for my final exam
its a take home exam in which i need to answer 3 questions and answer a fourth one for extra credit
with books spilled all about me on a flat desk with no foot rest i set out to write my final exam
hours pass as i have my nose in book after book
i sit with my back arched forward in a red patterned desk chair that i am sure my grandparents used for house decorations
I continued looking up references, quotes and pertinent information for my four topics
I yawn every couple hours, and rub my itchy eyes and continue on
with my earphones in i smile every once in a while as a good tune sings to my soul
friends will randomly laugh at me as i realize i am humming a tune out loud while bobbing my head to the beat
it is in that moment that i realize that i am humming and bobbing that i turn a rosy cheeked blush and laugh embarrassingly
i then proceed to apologize for getting carried away and continue with my studies.
with my nose yet again in a book
i grab a chocolate bar from Christmas that i tear open and enjoy as i read about the Godhead and youth ministries
another couple hours pass and i have ashamedly eaten 3 bars of chocolate and listened to at least 20 to 30 Kpop songs on my itunes.
3 questions for my final are complete and i wonder if it would be worth it to do the extra credit
i battle within feeling a deep sense of natural and genetic laziness and lack of motivation
as i battle within with my sense of responsibility and my natural tendencies to do as little as possible
my responsibility wins over and i grab another stack of books and trudges forward with continued fortitude
the kpop continues and the humming of my voice like a lilt plays on
i feel more and more drawn to distractions such as my email and youtube but I temper the temptations and conclude the final question.
i then stare at my final feeling extremely insecure, wondering if it will be enough
i want to feel confident
and as i tie up all the last points and go to turn it in i feel a deep sense of panic
i take a deep breath and hear Rafael say that i did a good job
i smile and press the send button in the final exam drop box
I go to eat dinner feel scared for my life
i go to the gym to let out some steam, run a mile, walk half of another mile, bicycle four a half miles and run up the stairs for a few minutes
i then head home
hours have passed and then a reply comes
i fearfully let out a little girly squeak
i squelch the desire to scream and press the open button
Once it is downloaded i open the page and scroll down scared of what i will see
taking my time to read each note in which as usual i find him to be extremely critical and difficult as most professors are
and then i have reached the end of the paper and i see my grade
THANK GOD i did the extra credit i got an 81!!!
i feel such a let down
all that hard work! for what?
well anyway that is my story.
such is the life of a college student
Friday, May 4, 2012
The Yellow Umbrella
(Painting by: Ken Valastro)
Personally i see rejection as painful, and in many cases there really is no true survival of it, because in many ways a piece of the heart dies from it.
But the deepest rejection is not the kind that falls from his lovers lips and it's not even the shove or push away in a bout of anger or pain.
No i believe that the most painful rejection is the kind that life gives. Because it is the circumstances of life that play a part in whether your love will flourish or your love will die.
In one moment all the earth will be blooming with spring in congratulatory celebration of your new found love.
The sun would shine bright and even the rain sounded soft and peaceful in its melody as it fell to the earth in sweet surrender.
The smell of earth overtook your senses as it wafted through the grass and dirt into the breezy sky
You don't notice the lightning or even hear the thunder because it was such a beautiful spring
the birds were out and you were joyously happy
For the first time, this new found love could not be contained and as a couple you were truly happy.
But then in a blink of an eye life decided to change its mood. its desire was to tear you apart. and so the storms really bore down and circumstance decided to play its cruel intentions and manipulations upon the loving duo.
and like a disease, it set things into motion.
the love though not dead had surely been torn asunder
what can you do when life itself rejects your happiness?
All you can truly do is get angry, but in the end that anger is no justification for your being wronged.
through it you can never truly find retribution.
No, that kind of rejection leaves you feeling empty and barren
Because what was once a garden flourishing with color and vibrancy
Through the years has slowly turned into a forsaken graveyard of memories.
They are cherished deeply but still to painful to keep up and so on the wayside of your mind it remains
and on the wayside they slowly began to fade
years passed and her presence was missed.
regrets no longer steal his peace in the night, yet insomnia still remains his friend
she whom he loved still gone, separated by time and space
He slowly comes back to reality and away from his far away state
After being still in one position for so long
with his aged back, he rises stiffly
suppressing the long and aching memories of the past from his mind by taking a deep breath of air into his raspy lungs
stashing them away in his heart he headed for the door with his briefcase in his hand and an umbrella ready
and just as he expected the millions of springs from the past poured down on him as the drizzling shower started to come down on his yellow umbrella
with a heavy heart he headed home
this spring was no different... just like every spring since his love he continually remembered her.
The weather was perfect for their melancholy mood, with the grey backdrop and drizzling rain
The city was slow and the cars were constant
He headed for the crosswalk to cross the street
unknowingly she walked in his direction parallel to where he walked
within seconds they would meet at the crossroads
and as the light turned green they would cross the crosswalk and head directly into each other
moments passed as the cosmos allowed another reunion,
the faint steps of their shoes hitting cement meant nothing to them as they continued on
Because it had been so long, their bodies were no longer young
they did not recognize each other
yellow umbrella faced yellow umbrella
like strangers in both heart and body they pass without knowing each other
even the grazing contact of their shoulders in passing was not enough to awaken what once was
1 second, 2 seconds, 3 seconds pass and a memory blooms out of the ever decayed and forsaken moments kept deep and away in his mind
was it her scent? Her eyes? her smile? the way she walked? or simply the reality of what once was intermingling with the present reality with factors of circumstance?
Is he ever able to forget her? Is he even allowed to?
The skin may age but the heart has no limit on time when concerning its love for another
His punishment in life is holding her only in his memory and keeping it alive forever.
Without the warm touch the memory may turn cold and what warmth can come from "What if's?" or "What may have been's?"
But regardless of his punishment, he knew her
Turning quickly to catch another glance
the rain poured down with heavy abandon and in dismal solitude he searched for her yellow umbrella only to find a moment in life forever gone
and with the rain all hope of seeing her washed away as he slowly made his way home
Love
Can love and happy endings truly be worth cherishing if it was only for a time?
was that love in vain?
He asks himself this question everyday
and yet deep within his soul he still holds her dear to his heart
loving and cherishing her memory until the day he passes from this life
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
What Is Love
This song transcended language and spoke to me. I didn't know the lyrics yet and i knew it was a love letter. Now that i have looked it up, i was right :) Enjoy.
Exo-k - what is love english translation lyrics
Girl, i can't explain what i feel. Oh baby my baby, baby, baby, baby.. Yeah.
Making a day feel like a minute
with you, i’m the main character of a movie
as if i’m about to film an action scene to come see you, as if i’ve become a hero
You’re perfect to me, i imagined
how would it be if we were together? If only you say okay, everything is perfect, oh baby
*i lost my mind, the moment i saw you
except you, everything get in slow montion
tell me, if this is love
sharing and learning countless emotions everyday with you
fighting, crying and hugging
tell me, if this is love
All the guys in the world are jealous of me
they must be jealous to death of me, for having you
even after the sun goes down and moon goes down, it will never change
you will find out that i’m a guy whom you can trust
I don’t know why, this unconditional emotion
did i ever imagine? Next to me, you shine more brightly as i become a better guy
*repeat
If you wish and wish earnestly
will it come true, like the fairytales? A never-ending happy ending, happily ever after
i will trust you, protect you and comfort you
i will be on your side
i will never leave your side
*repeat
All the guys in the world are jealous of me
they must be jealous to death of me, for having you
my babe, baby babe, baby baby
i can tell, this is love
i will make you smile often like a child
i will make you feel the most comfortable, like a friend
my babe, baby babe, baby baby
tell me, what is love
Exo-k - what is love english translation lyrics
Girl, i can't explain what i feel. Oh baby my baby, baby, baby, baby.. Yeah.
Making a day feel like a minute
with you, i’m the main character of a movie
as if i’m about to film an action scene to come see you, as if i’ve become a hero
You’re perfect to me, i imagined
how would it be if we were together? If only you say okay, everything is perfect, oh baby
*i lost my mind, the moment i saw you
except you, everything get in slow montion
tell me, if this is love
sharing and learning countless emotions everyday with you
fighting, crying and hugging
tell me, if this is love
All the guys in the world are jealous of me
they must be jealous to death of me, for having you
even after the sun goes down and moon goes down, it will never change
you will find out that i’m a guy whom you can trust
I don’t know why, this unconditional emotion
did i ever imagine? Next to me, you shine more brightly as i become a better guy
*repeat
If you wish and wish earnestly
will it come true, like the fairytales? A never-ending happy ending, happily ever after
i will trust you, protect you and comfort you
i will be on your side
i will never leave your side
*repeat
All the guys in the world are jealous of me
they must be jealous to death of me, for having you
my babe, baby babe, baby baby
i can tell, this is love
i will make you smile often like a child
i will make you feel the most comfortable, like a friend
my babe, baby babe, baby baby
tell me, what is love
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