The Ugly

I can see the ugly within
I have unveiled my own denial
This denial that painted my heart a refreshing facade
but as time passed the paint began to chip away and I saw hints of what truly laid beneath
My own denial deceived my insecure mind into believing my beauty could have no flaw
What a lie.
But the black beneath began to move like a wave eager to come forth
It began to ooze under the surface
It like a fungus began to decay the structure of my home
The place I felt safest
But never trusted
My heart began to reveal what I had so desperately tried to hide
The ugly within had awakened
The blackness of my soul was heartbreakingly sharp in its darkness
The contrast intensely shown through like a bride who was caught in the rain
The pure white of the paint had like a dandruff on the skin turned flaky and foul as it slowly began to peal away from the surface
This dark reality was to much to bear
I was fearful for the moment I met a person more good than me
He would see into the gates of my soul and identify the fraud within
A fake that pawns herself off as rare and expensive gold
but in my purest form I have been bent and dented
I have been folded down and weathered by the elements of life
I am the darkest and blackest of silt
I rest at the bottom of the deepest most chaotic river bed
though soft and smooth to the touch
no life can be birthed from my earth
I am barren and alone and have contented myself with frivolity
The deepest of my ugliness is the lifelessness of my niche
This place that can no longer bring forth life
Like the dead weight of limbs that no longer function
this I carry as my shame
this soul is irredeemable
I am remarkably human and lacking in unique nature
This soul that is suffocating by its true nature grasps for some air
Where is beauty?
Where can I find love?
I know not a place
and just as I feared the moment came in which my crimes have been revealed
my evil mind and desires betray me
The silt of my soil is rich with forbidden acts
It spewed forth itself from the deep crevices of its hiding place
I lay awake and naked to the one person I feared the most
I lay there with the black muck all about me
I can't cover it!
Judgement is sure to come
He stands there in all his pure glory
like the sun he is captivating and bright
I close my eyes and cringe away from the light that pierced my heart
the pain is so great, I am sure to melt away
and in that instant I feel warm
Is this where I find grace?
beauty in the moment I lay most vulnerable?
Could there truly be such a thing?
He found me... Can I be saved?
Truth, Reason, Goodness . . . These things could not save me
But love. His love.
Is that the greatest beauty of all?

"For the life of a creature is in the blood, and I have given it to you to make atonement for yourselves on the altar; it is the blood that makes atonement for one’s life." -Leviticus 17:11

He is my delight

I remember a day that I had gotten off work early, and on this particular day I was extremely excited about going home and making cookies. This type of cookie is a personal favorite and delight of mine. I always enjoy making these cookies because of the texture, taste and unique nature of them. They are called chocolate delights, for they surely are a delight to make and eat! :) The ingredients include dark chocolate with nuts topped with chocolate and white chocolate dripped stripes on top. Oh it truly is a beautiful experience all around! Needless to say, i hurried to the grocery store to buy the ingredients; however, payday was a week away and I was low on cash. I knew that with baking you cannot buy cheap ingredients, but because of the lack of funds, I bought cheap ingredients regardless. I did not think long term of the consequences, and without reservation I headed home with the goods to begin what I thought would be a successful baking experience. I was so happy and peaceful. My soul was singing as the dough came out with its dark brown sheen. But then I paused, looked down on the dough and noticed a different sheen than I was used to. I mixed it around some more but still felt that the sheen and texture was off. However, I just shrugged it off, thinking that I had mixed it to much. I joyfully rolled out the lovely balls onto the cookie sheet and gently pressed them down a tad. As I put them in the oven I expected a matured cookie genius to emerge from its time in the oven. Time passed, and I waited patiently. As eleven minutes came to quickly I opened the oven door and to my horror I saw cookies that were dull, that had not risen and dead in personality! I was heartbroken! The beauty I had expected was stolen by the presence of mutated monsters!

I pulled them out and in sadness stared down onto the cookie sheet with a puzzled look on my face. I went over the directions a couple times. Step by step, I wondered where I had gone wrong, but I had followed the recipe to the T. I was mystified, and then it came to me like a gentle breeze on my mind. Did you invest and give your time to the highest quality ingredients or did you trust in the mediocre to create a masterpiece? I knew in that instant that it wasn't my abilities that had created these cookie zombies but rather the mediocre ingredients I had invested in to make them. regardless it was I who was at fault. I stood back from the oven, threw the cookies away in complete disappointment and wondered how I could correct this horrible circumstance. For I yearned to eat these cookies that I had waited all week to have, and I would not be disappointed! I knew that I would have to spend double to get the cookies I wanted, but I didn't care. I wanted these delicious delights and I would do anything to get them. And so I went back to the grocery story, bought the best ingredients possible and tried the recipe over again. 

It is the same with your spiritual walk with God. You are wondering why your life after so much time is turning into a cookie disaster. But the question I must ask is, are you investing in the best quality things in your life to make it a personal success? Or are you only investing in the mediocre, thinking that the end result will be amazing! Lately, God has been asking me to trust Him (again...) and when He asks me to do this I know He is referring to my future. Are you trusting God? Are you on the spiritual offense rather than constantly fighting on the defense? Do you have a consistent prayer life? Do you seek God, in every aspect of your personal life? When you plan the future do you put God into the whole equation, rather than just a side effect or byproduct of your plans and dreams? When you don't do these things, then you are only buying the off-brands of life expecting a master piece. The truth is that you will only look like every other grocery store bought chocolate chip cookie in Walmart. Your life will be flavorless and lack unique zest and personality. But if you invest all that you have in Christ, he will be your delight, you will be the most beautiful creation that the world has seen! Your truest and greatest investment would be when your life is in God's hands. It can be no safer, no more beautiful, no more potentially capable of greatness than when it is in His hands!  

I got back from the grocery store, after buying the new ingredients and began the journey once more. Instantly as I mixed the new ingredients with just as much love and care as before I noticed an immediate difference. The sheen of the dough was shinier, the gloss was beautiful, it was dark, and the aroma of the dough was deeper and richer. I felt like the cookies would be amazing this time! But the truth is that this time I invested in the best of the best, but I would not know its success until eleven minutes later when it came out of the oven. Many times we don't know what will happen, we don't understand why certain things do happen and we are anxious to try to understand what we can do. That is how I feel this senior year. My future seems so unclear and I feel so completely up in the air. But don't let that anxiety push you further from Christ but rather draw you closer to Him. 

I rolled out the balls of dough and yet again lovingly laid them on the cookie sheet. I was happy and nervous. I could feel the ultimate disappointment touch my soul again if these did not come out as they were meant to. I imagine, that is how God feels when He puts so much into us. The best quality ingredients, all His love and care, and best dreams and intentions He has for us and we decide to turn from Him anyway. That is how I felt about these cookies. I placed them in the oven trusting that because I had invested the best in them they would come out beautiful! I waited as eleven minutes slowly passed by. The seconds seemed like an eternity. But as the clock clinked and the alarm went off I rushed to the oven opened it with anticipation and saw the most beautiful and unique cookies I had ever seen! I was overjoyed! 

I learned the hard lesson that day. What you invest in is what you get. It is a concept that is rather simple, yet not easily understood by many. You want to be amazing in life then invest in the very best. Let me give you a hint, the very best just so happens to be Christ! ;) Your hard work will pay off, I PROMISE! Just because its not in your timing doesn't mean that the process of the change isn't happening. Just keep working to the best of your ability and it will all work out! 

Memories and an Egg Roll

I walked back into my comfort restaurant after months of being absent. It felt like walking back into the warmth of  a family and yet they only know me as a customer. However, their presence always gave me peace. The red sign of the restaurant remains the same, the building stands unchanged. But once I walked into the front door, change had surely touched this place. the tables were moved and the children of the owners had clearly grown. I sat with tears in my eyes as I watched the infant giddily walking all about the restaurant. The last time I saw her, she was in a bouncy chair. Her cute cheeks were as pink and chunky as ever. these little Chinese children were surely the most beautiful kids I had ever seen. the oldest daughter had surely grown two to three inches over the summer. Her back bent down lower as she gently held the infant up as they walked in circles about the room.

The parents as usual stood behind the counter. The father was the cook tonight, and busily readied the ingredients for my sesame chicken and rice, while the mother (after taking my money) continued to stack bags on the counter and clean up the front area. She yelled over her shoulder, "A side Egg Roll!" They were the type of family that continued to move and busy themselves no matter what time of the day it was. I believe that is the reason, I continue to eat at this restaurant. I am continually impressed by the fact that this young family came to a country across the sea to open a restaurant and raise their kids in a different culture than the one that they know. The strength and courage it takes to do something like that has to be so great! I am impressed greatly by their gumption and I see it everyday by the look in their eyes, their hard work behind the counter and the set of their jaws as they continue on, even when they are tired.

My thought process then evolves into what it would be like for me when I move out of the country to make a life for my own. Will my children appreciate my gumption just as much as I appreciate these restaurant owners? this thought sweeps across my mind as I listen to their lovely foreign language echo in the kitchen area, as their children giggle and run in circles. It is such a warm and foreign environment and I swallow every moment greedily, because I know that once my food is ready it will be time to go home.

My food is ready. She asks me if I would like soy sauce and duck sauce for the egg roll. I say yes, and ask for chopsticks. She sticks them in my paper bag with the food, nods her head slightly and says goodnight. I sadly turn with happiness in my heart as I exit. I know that the semester is starting and many visits to this rare treasure are to come in the future. May God continue to bless me with little blessings and precious moments like this for the rest of my life. They truly teach me the value of love and family, and I never want to forget.

The Wedding

It was windy outside, and the trees blew gently back and forth. Like the sway that two dancers make to a ballad, the leaves danced to the same steps. As the sun set at twilight, my red dress began to cool. The pavilion rested between the two walls of trees. There were benches with birds nest resting above in the trees and bird baths below delicately positioned in the lush green lawn. The carefully positioned white Christmas lights lined the pavilion vaulting in a lovely and poised manner. It lent the over all effect and mood for a beautiful and quaint wedding.

The bride and groom had just spoken their vows. They tearfully and joyfully traded rings while lovingly gazing into each others eyes. As the maid of honor and best friend of the bride I was exceptionally moved by the experience. As tears fell from her smiling eyes, tears also fell from mine.

While holding hands, they headed toward the unity candles on the table. As they lit the candle the deep tenor of the pastors voice filled the humid air. He conveyed that the first act that they wanted to do as a married couple was take communion. Pastor prayed over the couple and thanked the Lord for such a beautiful union and for His blessings. As the bride and groom placed the bread on their tongues a bird flew from his resting place above the rafters, and like the Holy Spirit spread its wings and disappeared into the setting sky. We all watched in wonder as the bride and groom drank of the cup. They then headed back to the cross at the front of the pavilion to face the pastor. We all knew that that moment was blessed by the wings of that bird.

The sun began to set behind the curve of the earth. It painted a pink hue in the bluish sky. They were pronounced husband and wife, and as their lips met, peoples hands joined together in a chorus of excitement and triumph. Many faces were lightened with joy. For weddings truly are a happy and joyous occasion. It was in that loud moment that time began to tick to a different beat. It was a new beginning for two lives joined on a new path in life. The seconds began to tick away, with clapping and celebrations in the background. They began a new life in that moment, not as single entities but as a duo facing this race called life. They now faced it together.

She is my little Baby Birdy

(Photographer: Tara Moore)

Her little dainty foot rested on my knee as she proudly proclaimed that she indeed had learned to tie her little pink converse. I watched with mixed emotions as she took the strings from me and proceeded to do them herself. At first I had every intention of doing them myself, because I did not know she knew how. But once the strings were out of my hands, I released control and allowed her to show me. I wanted to guide her and I watched as my hands on multiple occasions moved forward towards the strings to correct something. It felt and looked like an involuntary twitch or spasm as they would randomly move forward and then back against my chest in purposeful restraint against my own person. I watched in wonder as she showed me her expertise in the matter at hand. Her fingers moved slow with each measure but as she made the loop and tied them in a knot i was amazed and moved by her growth.  After she was done, she lifted herself and threw her hands in the air proclaiming, "See! I told you I learned how! Now I don't need mommy or daddy to help me do it!" Oh what wonderful words fell from her lips as my heart listened and heard.

I can't explain the pride I felt as she leaned down over my knee and showed me she was a big girl. There was this undeniable glow about her. Knowledge, it is the food of growth and maturity. I watched her over night become bigger in person and it was beautiful. She isn't even my daughter, for I am sure that I would have cried like a baby had it been. But I also noticed and learned a valuable lesson from that moment. I wanted to help her, I wanted to show her my way, I wanted to guide her. I wanted to do all those things for such a thing that was no longer necessary. Sometimes you have to learn to let those you love spread their wings and grow. We are more than happy for them to learn but when it comes time to take your hand off the seat of the bicycle, it is in that moment that you learn of what quality you are made of. I learned in that moment how hard it will be for me to let my daughter tie her own shoes. Teaching her would bring me much joy but ultimately allowing her the honor of tying her own shoes had been the final test of my own control.

The truth is that the control we contain stems from a beautiful and endless fountain of love. furthermore, the control we continue to exude upon our children is furthered by our need for them to be safe. That is what I felt in that moment. A need for her to be safe and right. I want to be an amazing mother. I want my daughter to respect me and to love me with her whole heart. But I also want her to know that I very much desire her to grow into what she is meant to be. Even if it means that she is ready to tie her shoes all by herself without my help, then I would try to do it. Even if that moment came before I thought I was ready to let her. Sometimes, the hardest part is knowing they are ready to fly but we aren't ready to let them step off the branch. Its the deep dip, and the immense distance and height that makes us wish that they were dependant on us always. But a deeper pride comes when you realize that they fly so expertly and so beautiful AND OF COURSE even more beautiful than all the other children. :)