Judas & His Rope - An Identity Complex

There were many times throughout my life where I read (or was told) the account of the betrayal, passion & crucifixion of Christ and felt like I could relate to Judas more than any other disciple in the narrative. I know many people would never admit to such a scandalous thing, but I can assure you that many of you have unknowingly related to him. What makes the attitude, life actions, spiritual condition, betrayal & and finally the suicide of Judas just so heartbreakingly sad? 

I believe there are three reasons why Judas' story is a sad one:

1. I personally believe it is sad because Judas was a man that believed in an identity that was not truly his, even in the presence and discipleship of Christ (who desired to show him his true identity) had embraced the identity that life had given him.

2. He let his identity shape his mindsets & actions. Therefore he desired things that were not of God because his focus was not Christ-centered but self-centered. Even in the presence of Christ and His constant teachings, our hearts and will can be turned away from Him.

3. Lastly, because of the identity he adopted, and the desires he let take root in his heart, when he finally did fall to his own snare of temptation (money: Mark 14:10-11, ) & betrayed Christ he believed it was too late for him. Unlike Peter, who after his shame in denying Christ and repentance came back to Christ, Judas did not believe in Christ' redeeming grace and mercy. Taking his life seemed like the only option open to him.

You see, Judas taking his life was not a sudden thing... Believe it or not but you begin to take your own life the moment you embrace an identity that is not your own. Yes Judas had a serious problem. He was the "problem child" of the group. He was the one that always suggested ideas out of his own self interest, but so did all the other disciples. They all had issues and sins.

Many people don't think of Judas after the betrayal but I always did. There was always this deep, black shroud that covered the pages of the Word as I read of Judas hanging himself. I wondered what his thoughts where as he prepped and tied the knot of the rope that would take his life. I wondered what he felt, how hopeless and meaningless his identity and value must have seemed to him. I see tears of shame, and a soul black with years of self condemnation and loathing. Judas must have hated himself, and I just know that he thought it was too late for him. He must have felt so alone. He must have felt that he couldn't be redeemed. He must have felt that his soul (unlike all the others) was the one soul that couldn't be saved. He had it set in his mind that he was evil. Oh poor soul. (Matthew 27:3-10)

I would like to point out something that I feel must be said. Many people look on Judas as a despicable man... How could a man betray the living God?! How could he betray Jesus with so little a price and with such a violent yet silent kiss upon the cheek? How could such a man exist? For truly, he was born a despicable man. He was definitely different than all the other men that surrounded themselves with Christ. But I write these words to say that I don't believe this to be the case. I believe the other disciples were just as human as Judas. They weren't more powerful or resistent in and of themselves. It all came to who they were putting their trust and identity in. Yes Judas was to betray Christ, just as Peter was to betray Christ (John 18:25), and just as the people of Israel (all of them) where to betray God incarnate. Yet I believe the distinguishing factor between Judas and Peter was their mindset (John 13:24-30)... Judas accepted a long time before his death that he was unredeemable. Peter desired to sit at the feet of Jesus. He desired to fight for him. Judas embraced an identity outside of the identity Christ desired to give him, and Peter desired a life in Christ. We are all despicable people. With our own brands of strengths and weaknesses, but will we allow that weaknesses that overwhelm us or let God have the control?

you ask, "well then why did Peter go back to fishing?" Well good question... Peter was so broken over his betrayal that he went back to a life that he knew before Christ. He wasn't happy in that life, he didn't embrace it. No, Peter was just settling because Christ asked him of his love (John 21:15-19). But Judas, his identity had never changed. When he betrayed Christ, it was the final move. It was the icing on the cake. It was the final moment where he realized through the flawed perspective that he had that he was no good, that he would never be any good. (This section is my own assumed speculation...) :)

So what is in your life that has you embracing the Judas complex? Do you think you are unredeemable? Do you really believe that your sins have reached the maximum amount allotted to you and Christ will have you no more? Really? Well Judas, all that waits for you with that mindset is a rope and a tree. Yet a rope and a tree is not what God has in store for you! Jesus never intended for Judas' end to involve a rope and a tree either. Jesus knew that Judas would betray Him, but I truly believe that Judas' suicide was not Christ's desire for his life. We all sin. We all fall short of the mark. For all have sinned. But there is grace and mercy. If only Judas had believed in that.

So what am I saying?
I am saying that we all have a little Judas in us from time to time, but that is a part of being human. Don't wallow, don't ruminate and build a home in a place that was never meant for you as a child of God. Yes we have times where we feel worthless, purposeless and dirty sinners meant for the pits of hell. But those moments should humble us to a place that draws us closer to Christ, not further away from him.

I encourage you brother and sister in Christ that you embrace an identity in God that is so much more than death but life everlasting! You are meant to be a worker of the gospel. You are meant to be loved unconditionally and saved undeservedly! You are meant to be kept and cherished for all eternity! You are meant to worship the living God with a song of praise and thanksgiving in your heart! You are meant to embrace a life of meaning and business in the kingdom! You identity is one of value and love, not of hopelessness or shame. And when you fall as you will (being human and all), the distinguishing factor between you and Judas will be what you do with yourself after you have fallen... Will you wallow in self loathing, accept a life of hopelessness and purposelessness, will you accept your sin as a lifestyle you can't change and then drown within a life that has no meaning, love, mercy or grace or will you turn to the only one that can save you, draw you closer to Him, heal you, forgive you and love you? He already paid the price for your sin! The deed has already been done and as he breathed deeply and painfully up there on the cross, he said, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do..." Even as He breathed his last breath, His life stood testament to a life of mediation between the Fathers justice and punishment for sin and His lovingkindness and forgiveness. Oh how blessed we are!

So what can we do when we have Judas moments? Well here are a few!

1. Embrace Christ's identity for you! His identity for the church!
2. Let your actions be a reflection of that identity! You see it most in the fruits of the spirit,  Christ love that flows out of you and into others around you
3. Lastly, always believe no matter how deep you may fall that there is grace and mercy at the foot of the cross! You are redeemable! You are loved! You are valuable!

I hope this blesses and encourages you! May God walk with you all the days of your life! :)

Embracing the Wilderness Experience

I walked into Starbucks with the sun setting, after a successful and warm nap, on this Sunday afternoon. I grabbed my iced coffee with half & half and vanilla, walked to the table i wanted to set up and sat down. It was there that I met a 34 year old mother married to a Indian Christian who is also in the military. She is going to Bible college here in Colorado and has been working on her degree since 1996. Wow! I am so proud of her. But she said something that immediately brought tears to my eyes, when reflecting on how she met her husband. . . who feels a burden for his people back in India. He said, when they met, "Life is about running the race towards Christ. No matter what happens in life, you just keep running the race with all your might. You will at times look to the left and look to the right, but no one will be there. It does not matter just keep on running! But as time passes, one day you will look over and you will see someone running in the same direction you are, and that is the person you should keep by your side for the rest of your life." I was so moved by those words! It really is true!

I am in a place in my life where God is teaching me so much about myself. I work in a daycare and I take care of one year old's all day. They are the sweetest little munchkins that you will ever meet. <3 In this time of transition, I have faced moments where I had to learn new things about myself and realize that loneliness is something that should not be feared. I am coming to a realization that loneliness is a door that brings you closer to the reality of who you are. It is in the moments of extreme loneliness where a person is faced with two very stark and brutal realities; (1) we are in deep need (more than we ever imagined) of God. This includes his love but most of all, a thriving and intimate relationship that up to that point is made clear is lacking, (2) we come to realize that we do not know who we are. It is in this moment of loneliness that we come face to face with the deepest aspects of ourselves that are usually craftily hidden behind facades and daily denials. Many times we will not like what we see. We will for the first time, see how deeply flawed we really are.

Many people in this world, when faced with these two realities, are incapable of facing them let alone getting to a point of accepting them. I think the hardest part for me as I walk through this process is accepting the reality that I am incapable of fixing any of these realities. I obsess terribly over the flaws I so starkly see stain my soul and mourn for the fact that I am flawed, but this was not God's intention for me EVER! Yet, the perfectionist in me clings to a need to be perfect, a need to fix it, a need to be correct! It removes a semblance of humility in my spirit, and holds me captive to a life that continually mourns in a constant state of melancholy. I mourn for my soul that God could so easily heal and bring closer to Himself if I allowed Him to and released control. I ask myself, "Why can't I do it?" I sit here in Starbucks (my comfort zone); surrounded with my coffee, my bible, my books and my thoughts and I ponder this question. I come to the conclusion that the Lord is still teaching me so much. He is teaching me to realize that I need Him, He is teaching me to trust Him, He is teaching me to believe in Him and His healing power, but most of all He is teaching me to find peace and comfort in the fact that I am alone and living solely in Him!

Disclaimer: This article is not a feministic piece of women's liberation from social norms and such... No! This is an article that a man can just as easily read and come to the conclusion that in times of loneliness, God is asking you, drawing you, enticing you into a deeper level with Him. Embrace the loneliness!

I am not ashamed to admit that I am lonely. I have been completely removed from my comfort zone. I have graduated college with my bachelors degree, after six years of college, I have moved back home with my mother (away from people that have grown to be family), I have hit a wall of self identity and indeed feel encapsulated in a life of repetition. I have began to question what I want to do with my life. What is my purpose? Doubts fill my head. However, as I write these words, I realize that I hold a certain level of responsibility. I am an individual that holds (to a certain extent) a level of control over how mediocre and repetitious my life is.

With the new year, I decided to read the Bible in 90 days. After a few days of reading, I came upon Numbers 14. It is about the people of Israel rebelling against God after scouting out the promised land in the previous chapter. The first thing to be pointed out is that the people's rebellion is stemmed from four things that was re-occurring throughout their wilderness travels; (1) Firstly, they continually griped and complained about the place they were in. No matter the miracles and continual provision that they were given by YHWH it was never enough, (2) The people of Israel questioned, mocked and tried to usurp the spiritual authority in their life because of pride and covetousness of "power." (3) The people did not foster a spiritual environment in their lives of faith. They were filled with unbelief in God and even before entering the promised land, were flirting with idolatry to other god's that met the needs that they thought that they needed. (4) lastly, their final rebellion was the climax of all the attitudes and actions stated above that culminated into the final state of fear that overtook their hearts.

I cannot get the words that the Lord spoke out of my head. As He heard his chosen people make plans to RETURN TO EGYPT, He says, "How long will this people despise me? And how long will they not believe in me, in spite of all the signs that I have done among them?" Can you imagine the heartbreak in God's words as He ponders how a people can be so utterly stubborn? These people cried out in anguish and oppression in Egypt. It was their cries of pain and toil that caught YHWH's heart as they were in slavery that motivated God to send Moses to save them (Exodus 2:23) Yet as they are at the precipice of the promised land. As they stand at the door of their promise. At the door of land, peace, eternal relationship with God, and many other wonderful gifts (that are undeserved); the fear of the "giants" in the land, culminated with their prolonged rebellion and unbelief caused such great fear in their hearts that they ran from the very promise and gifts of God! Yes, they had to work for their promise, yes they had to walk in faith, but they were promised to never face those challenges alone or without YHWH! They ran anyway! They ran in such fear in the opposite direction that YHWH said, "As I live (I am real, despite your unbelief) declares the Lord, what you have said in my hearing I will do to you: your dead bodies shall fall in this wilderness, and of all your number, listed in the census from twenty years old and upwards, who have grumbled against me, not one shall come into the land where I swore that I would make you dwell... And your children shall be shepherds in the wilderness forty years and shall suffer for your faithlessness, until the last of your dead bodies lies in the wilderness." (Numbers 14:28-34).

Yes, we are lonely. But I must ask you brother & sister in Christ, how much of our fear of loneliness has kept us from our promised land? We can never go back to Egypt. Never think for a moment that the world and all its oppression, bondage and abuse has more appeal than the promise of relationship, provision and miracles from Christ can give, in the place of security. In Egypt there was security in the fact that nothing would change, that they were fed, that they had a place to lay their head, but did they thrive? No... neither can we thrive in Egypt. God has asked us to trust Him to take us into a wilderness experience. He is testing, He is molding and making us into the person He would have us be when we are ready to enter the promised land. We must realize that it was the people's mindsets that held them back.

I encourage you to do five things while you wonder through the wilderness.

1. Speak positive things to life, not negativity
2. Believe that God is providing, and recognize His miracles of provision in your life.
3. Realize that there are spiritual leaders in your life that are there for your good. God placed them in your life to move you forward and encourage you. Do not covet, do not disrespect, and do not tear down the place God has put them in over your life as Christ walks with you.
4. Propagate a consistent walk of faith! The people of Israel lacked such faith and it fostered a bad attitude of rebellion and stubborness. as a result of this, they forsook YHWH and sought other god's that made them feel good. What false god's have you placed in your heart, simply because you are uncomfortable with where you are right now?
5. When you reach the door of your promise, do not run in fear but courageously believe and take a step of faith that God will continue to be with you and that though you have much work to do to attain your inheritance, God will fight for you and be with you. You must simply lift your voice in a war cry, praise the Lord most high and believe that your inheritance will fall into your hands.

If you do these things.

You will hear the words of Moses ring through your soul, "And when the LORD your God brings you into the land that he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give you—with great and good cities that you did not build,  and houses full of all good things that you did not fill, and cisterns that you did not dig, and vineyards and olive trees that you did not plant..." Deuteronomy 6:10-11

There will be blessings in your life that you did not work for! Miracles that God provided for without your prayers for them, and provision that you can never imagine. But the reality is that we must walk through the wilderness. We must draw close to the heart of God. We must desire a life that is completely and utterly dependent on Christ. We must come to a place where we trust and realize that all that God does is for our good. He is our greatest fan and He has all the power in the world to make His plans for us a reality. Embrace the wilderness experience. Learn to enjoy the quiet moments of solitude, trust that the pitfalls are character builders, that the dreams we forgot will one day rise again. Remember that pain in our sufferings are moments where God is stretching us into the person he sees us becoming later, though we cannot see it now. believe that God's promises are true. That He will never leave nor forsake us, and let us pray that through the wilderness experience we do not get to the point that we turn from the one (the only one) that desires to give us the promises and future that we desire. I am NOT preaching prosperity doctrine, I am preaching the reality that God knows the desires of our hearts, though we may not. The future is as clear as mud to us, but to Him clear as day. We must trust, despite what we see, that He has great things in store for us. Things we never expected. Do not live in fear, but expectation!

I encourage you to go and read psalm and refresh your mind on the promises of the Lord. He desires all that is good for you and in you. Take the time to remember this truth! Blessings to all!