There were many times throughout my life where I read (or was told) the account of the betrayal, passion & crucifixion of Christ and felt like I could relate to Judas more than any other disciple in the narrative. I know many people would never admit to such a scandalous thing, but I can assure you that many of you have unknowingly related to him. What makes the attitude, life actions, spiritual condition, betrayal & and finally the suicide of Judas just so heartbreakingly sad?
I believe there are three reasons why Judas' story is a sad one:
1. I personally believe it is sad because Judas was a man that believed in an identity that was not truly his, even in the presence and discipleship of Christ (who desired to show him his true identity) had embraced the identity that life had given him.
2. He let his identity shape his mindsets & actions. Therefore he desired things that were not of God because his focus was not Christ-centered but self-centered. Even in the presence of Christ and His constant teachings, our hearts and will can be turned away from Him.
3. Lastly, because of the identity he adopted, and the desires he let take root in his heart, when he finally did fall to his own snare of temptation (money: Mark 14:10-11, ) & betrayed Christ he believed it was too late for him. Unlike Peter, who after his shame in denying Christ and repentance came back to Christ, Judas did not believe in Christ' redeeming grace and mercy. Taking his life seemed like the only option open to him.
You see, Judas taking his life was not a sudden thing... Believe it or not but you begin to take your own life the moment you embrace an identity that is not your own. Yes Judas had a serious problem. He was the "problem child" of the group. He was the one that always suggested ideas out of his own self interest, but so did all the other disciples. They all had issues and sins.
Many people don't think of Judas after the betrayal but I always did. There was always this deep, black shroud that covered the pages of the Word as I read of Judas hanging himself. I wondered what his thoughts where as he prepped and tied the knot of the rope that would take his life. I wondered what he felt, how hopeless and meaningless his identity and value must have seemed to him. I see tears of shame, and a soul black with years of self condemnation and loathing. Judas must have hated himself, and I just know that he thought it was too late for him. He must have felt so alone. He must have felt that he couldn't be redeemed. He must have felt that his soul (unlike all the others) was the one soul that couldn't be saved. He had it set in his mind that he was evil. Oh poor soul. (Matthew 27:3-10)
I would like to point out something that I feel must be said. Many people look on Judas as a despicable man... How could a man betray the living God?! How could he betray Jesus with so little a price and with such a violent yet silent kiss upon the cheek? How could such a man exist? For truly, he was born a despicable man. He was definitely different than all the other men that surrounded themselves with Christ. But I write these words to say that I don't believe this to be the case. I believe the other disciples were just as human as Judas. They weren't more powerful or resistent in and of themselves. It all came to who they were putting their trust and identity in. Yes Judas was to betray Christ, just as Peter was to betray Christ (John 18:25), and just as the people of Israel (all of them) where to betray God incarnate. Yet I believe the distinguishing factor between Judas and Peter was their mindset (John 13:24-30)... Judas accepted a long time before his death that he was unredeemable. Peter desired to sit at the feet of Jesus. He desired to fight for him. Judas embraced an identity outside of the identity Christ desired to give him, and Peter desired a life in Christ. We are all despicable people. With our own brands of strengths and weaknesses, but will we allow that weaknesses that overwhelm us or let God have the control?
you ask, "well then why did Peter go back to fishing?" Well good question... Peter was so broken over his betrayal that he went back to a life that he knew before Christ. He wasn't happy in that life, he didn't embrace it. No, Peter was just settling because Christ asked him of his love (John 21:15-19). But Judas, his identity had never changed. When he betrayed Christ, it was the final move. It was the icing on the cake. It was the final moment where he realized through the flawed perspective that he had that he was no good, that he would never be any good. (This section is my own assumed speculation...) :)
So what is in your life that has you embracing the Judas complex? Do you think you are unredeemable? Do you really believe that your sins have reached the maximum amount allotted to you and Christ will have you no more? Really? Well Judas, all that waits for you with that mindset is a rope and a tree. Yet a rope and a tree is not what God has in store for you! Jesus never intended for Judas' end to involve a rope and a tree either. Jesus knew that Judas would betray Him, but I truly believe that Judas' suicide was not Christ's desire for his life. We all sin. We all fall short of the mark. For all have sinned. But there is grace and mercy. If only Judas had believed in that.
So what am I saying?
I am saying that we all have a little Judas in us from time to time, but that is a part of being human. Don't wallow, don't ruminate and build a home in a place that was never meant for you as a child of God. Yes we have times where we feel worthless, purposeless and dirty sinners meant for the pits of hell. But those moments should humble us to a place that draws us closer to Christ, not further away from him.
I encourage you brother and sister in Christ that you embrace an identity in God that is so much more than death but life everlasting! You are meant to be a worker of the gospel. You are meant to be loved unconditionally and saved undeservedly! You are meant to be kept and cherished for all eternity! You are meant to worship the living God with a song of praise and thanksgiving in your heart! You are meant to embrace a life of meaning and business in the kingdom! You identity is one of value and love, not of hopelessness or shame. And when you fall as you will (being human and all), the distinguishing factor between you and Judas will be what you do with yourself after you have fallen... Will you wallow in self loathing, accept a life of hopelessness and purposelessness, will you accept your sin as a lifestyle you can't change and then drown within a life that has no meaning, love, mercy or grace or will you turn to the only one that can save you, draw you closer to Him, heal you, forgive you and love you? He already paid the price for your sin! The deed has already been done and as he breathed deeply and painfully up there on the cross, he said, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do..." Even as He breathed his last breath, His life stood testament to a life of mediation between the Fathers justice and punishment for sin and His lovingkindness and forgiveness. Oh how blessed we are!
So what can we do when we have Judas moments? Well here are a few!
1. Embrace Christ's identity for you! His identity for the church!
2. Let your actions be a reflection of that identity! You see it most in the fruits of the spirit, Christ love that flows out of you and into others around you
3. Lastly, always believe no matter how deep you may fall that there is grace and mercy at the foot of the cross! You are redeemable! You are loved! You are valuable!
I hope this blesses and encourages you! May God walk with you all the days of your life! :)
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