There is something so fascinating about addictions. For people addicted to something, it doesn't seem as problematic in the midst and height of it. In fact it seems like some small thing that has barely affected any aspects of her personal life. Its not the height and breadth of an addiction that fascinates me as much as the cavernous emptiness that seems to engulf her perception when she begins to detox from it. Once an individual realizes and truly perceives the depth of the addiction and how it has indeed consumed their very life to the point of self destruction; hopefully they find it necessary to remove it from their life.
When she does begin to detox from it, the empty gaping hole it leaves is most assuredly overpowering and debilitating at times. All the individual can think about is how empty her life seems without the very thing she had so unknowingly become dependent on. All life's realities are tainted by the skewed and perverted perceptions the individual had fostered for so long. A sense of immense hopelessness can easily paint her life a sordid pallor of putrid green that seems to give no semblance of life but rather death. The addiction seems so much more appealing in these times because it was by the addiction that she had begun to paint life itself the very color of her perverted perceptions.
But in the loud clamor of this great moment, a cry of agony leaps out to God for a greater meaning of healing and wholeness. She asks the most beautiful question to her Creator in this moment. Perhaps it is the one question He has waited so long to hear. She whispers in her insecurity, in her pain, her desperation and deep seeded desire for clean change, "Lord, what exactly is a clean and holy soul?" What does this look like? Lord, I have no idea what life looks like outside this muck that has been painted across my broken and bruised soul! Oh Lord I need you. This is all I've ever known.
A new seed is thus planted in the soil of desperation. A seed that takes time to grow. Healing at times can be instantaneous, but I feel at times cannot be truly appreciated if it is. It is in the struggle, the weight and battling with the angel of God that we truly find a new identity in Christ. However, as time passes and the struggle and grappling of the addiction endeavors to drag the individual back into the black mire of destruction, a small glimpse of change seems to lighten the lens of her perception. A small space within is filled with something new. Newness, health, cleanliness seems to seep into her and slowly washes away the black muck that has taken residence within. Unsure of what it is creates a deep sense of insecurity. For truly how could a woman enjoy the presence of a father, if she had never had a father to base that experience on? But something is different. She can feel it, inside like a sprout that burst through the soil that seemed so barren for so many years previously.
Life seemed painted by black and red in the past. Rage, insecurity, lust and fear were the companions of her life and they wreaked havoc on her perceptions but as time passed the Lord shed some light into the cracked and broken vessel of her soul. She looked within and truly saw for the first time how sinful, disgusting and ugly she truly was. She turned away in anger, sadness and betrayal. It seemed so unfair! For truly life has dealt her a heavy card. She couldn't bear to look within but God continued to shine the light within the dark, and look she did. She looked and saw herself for some time...
She accepted it. She accepted her sinful nature for what it was. Her past was a portrait. She was fallen, she was broken, she was every statistic they said she would be. But right in that moment, the light became blinding... So blinding! She desired more than anything in all the world to be close to God. Her one and true desire was to know Christ. To be near Him and experience the transforming power that only He could give. The cracks within her soul could not handle the pressure within and she shattered. She shattered into a million pieces! For truly in that moment she was completely broken! Yet she had not died.
She was alive! For an old wineskin cannot hold new wine. She had to shatter. She had to break! She had to hurt and she did. She reached out with a shaking hand. Tears streaked her smudgy face and a desire for a new life drove her on. A desire to know God above all other desires drove her to this whisper, "Lord, oh Lord, please hear me!" Her shaking hand persisted and as the rubble slowly came to rest upon the earth and the dust settled into silence a hand reached out, warm and strong and pulled her up out of the destruction of what once was. She was never a victim, she was always meant to be a conqueror, a joint heir in Christ, a new creature. She was called to be justified, redeemed, holy and set apart. But she had to break first.
In that moment what seemed empty and cavernous without her addiction. Now only seemed like a suffocating fog that desired to kill her potential and bind her future. There was no longer any pleasure or beauty in its appearance. Instead life is filled with something new. She can't quite name it but it feels familiar as if it had always desired to fill her. She knew His name and she new His voice. It was familiar. Her soul was something new. She was clean, whole and pure and she had no other to thank than her savior. Her Lord, her lover, her Father and her Friend.
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