This past year has been a life journey for me. I find myself on occasion reflecting on the different places that God has brought me. In many ways I am so grateful that I have learned so much and in other ways I am still within the thick of a struggle. I will be 26 years of age in about a month and a half. This of course is strange to me. I'm not quite sure how I feel to be in the latter end of my twenties. However, time cannot still or stop; so I suppose I will have to get over it. However, as a female, with ministry aspirations, with a bachelors in theology, and unmarried. There has, in the past, been a stigma for Pentecostal women that remain unmarried. This of course weighed heavy upon me when I hit 23... I'm not quite sure why it was that year that it did.
However, three years will soon have passed since that fateful melancholy day when it struck me that I was an old hag. needless to say, I look back and I realize that my perspective on my marital demise was rather dramatic. The simple truth is that if I had been married at 23 I would not have been ready. If I had been married last year I would not have been ready either. Yet, I had rationalized in my mind that the only door to ministry would be through my husband. I kept waiting to find the "perfect" husband that would define for me what my future ministry would be. I would like to preface by saying that I didn't conscientiously think this, but on some level I kept waiting. I think that many women do this very thing. We know that God has given us a passion to serve in His kingdom.We know that the personal call He has given is very real. But we are not certain of how it will all play out, especially, considering that many doors are not quite open to women in ministry in the local church. This, for many women, can be quite the kill joy. I have been blessed with a church that affirms my call and allows me to minister in avenues that I find God has given to me as gifts. I work with children and children's ministries and I help with missions.
This past month, a book that has changed my complete perspective on marriage, relationships, and divorce is a book by David P. Gushee, entitled, "Getting Marriage Right: Realistic Counsel For Saving & Strengthening Relationships." Many at my church find it amusing that I read books on marriage, yet am myself unmarried. However, as a child that comes from a broken family, I believe that is what stems my fascination with marriage & relationships. I didn't know what a happy marriage looked like. Or at least I am learning a little more as I have opened my heart to it. A year and a half ago, I could honestly say I knew nothing of a functional marriage but God has slowly, through people and resources, revealed to me what Godly marriage is meant to look like. I believe that due to this revelation of biblical marriage my once romanticized view on love and marriage has been squashed in the dirt and pulverized into dust. I still am at heart romantic, but my view on love has changed from unrealistic expectations to true & biblical expectations.
Gushee, in his book covered on the topic of modern "romance" and the belief of secular views on "soulmates." There is a quote that absolutely crushed any semblance of "modern romance" that I had left, when he wrote, "And yet the concept still resonates with us (concept of soulmates). We want to find someone who is a true match for us, a partner for the journey, a companion for the soul. If so, I suggest that we redeem the concept in this way. The true soulmate should be understood as a person who serves and worships the same God as you do, who yokes her life together with yours in a shared mission, who walks by your side in a companionship of labor and love designed by the Creator, and whose covenant commitment to your marriage cannot be shaken despite seasons of conflict and sorrow. Blessed is the one who finds such a partner" (Gushee, 125). I read this passage over and over and let it sweep over my dramatized and overly eccentric idealizations concerning romance and I realized that I was looking at the wrong things. I was waiting for all the gushy and warm feelings. I was waiting for all the outstanding displays of affection and romantic inclinations. I was waiting for it to be a constant high that never died, at least not until the average statistic of time (2 years) when marital bliss has reached summation.
Furthermore, I think the greatest realization that resulted from reading this passage was the line, "who yokes her life together with yours in a shared mission." This line rolled on and on in my head and it hit me that I can never truly feel absolutely confident about a relationship if I am not confident with my identity in Christ & with my life and purpose. Perhaps many have gotten by, or accidentally fallen in love with an individual that happened to seek the same life goals. Or the cold reality is that too many people simply came to a point where they didn't care and settled. I look at myself and I see a woman that knows the things she enjoys but can't quite define what her mission is. This didn't upset me. I am fine with not knowing, but it did draw from within me a desire to not seek someone else to love, but rather a desire to know who I am. I don't mean go on a spirit walk and discover myself, or endeavor to come to a place where I genuinely love myself. All those things are beside the point. I need to discover who I am in God. My mission in the kingdom involves me knowing who I am in Christ, recognizing the gifts & passions that he has given me, and knowing God on a deep and intimate level. No, no one is perfect when they get married but if you can find someone one that loves the same God, has the same mission as you do, who is selfless and a hard worker, and who is deeply committed to the relationship, then those are things that you yourself must know as well. The street goes both ways. Don't expect things from others that you aren't willing to do yourself.
This of course is easier said than done. But I pray that God gives me the strength to seek Him and truly listen to the only voice that can guide me. I have a mission. I have a purpose. I just have to be brave enough to recognize it and ultimately seek it.
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